Tuesday, May 6, 2008


In addition to what I wrote below I had to add something. Regardless of anyone's religious beliefs reading this blog there are factors you have to take into consideration when have a child with special needs. I am sure people read this and let their own person beliefs take over. We live in a two story home (not wheelchair accessible), I work full time, and money would be a serious issue. As horrible as that sounds it's true. I would have to quit, we would have to move, and we may not be able to afford all he would need. Plus, you have to factor in quality of life. I have a DNR because I don't want to live as a vegetable my whole life. If I wouldn't want to then why would I be selfish enough to make my child? Then again as stated before this isn't a simple case. The doctors have FLAT out said by the time they know for sure it's to late. DR Twickler is painting a very bleak picture, but that is her job to be honest about what she knows. Then again the neurosurgeon stated this could just be a case of late brain development. Listen to it all though.....I mean listen. Cut the hope crap and listen........ "There is evidence of a prior brain bleed and fluid on the brain. There is also cortical thinning with a small cerebellum, and a small corpus callosum. All evidence of a brain not forming vs hydrocephalus keeping the brain from forming". Sounds terrible doesn't it? Also, a brain bleed could mean a prior stroke. Then again there is that lil thought in the back of your mind that the brain does amazing things isn't there? That the spirituality people have faith in can do amazing things right? Trust me I know because all these thoughts go through my head. Is it a blessing that we know there is an issue or a curse? I would have had NO idea about this with Emily............NONE! I had a 12 week, 16 week, and 20 week sonograms with her and all of Jude's have looked normal on the ob offices screen. In fact on the ob screen he still looks normal! In addition to that we have a normal amnio in hand! So with Em we would have had her and not realized something was wrong until she was born or until she wasn't reaching milestones (assuming there was an issue). I told my cousin I feel like I must be giving birth to the anti Christ, or maybe it's the person that will save the world?? Because something is working against me! So if we have him we have to think worse possible scenario and plan for it. If we terminate we also have to think I may never be able to have kids again. It's also a risky procedure for me personally. This is the biggest roller coaster I have ever been on and trust me people I have been on some doozie's. It's hard to describe how I feel especially to people that don't have children. I do know some people that are very close to their animals though. So when they say they just cannot comprehend I give them a horrible scenario. Imagine your dog is very very ill and suffering but the vet cannot put it down. Could you? Could you take it out back and kill it? Awful thought isn't it and awful comparison but it's how I feel. Sure if something happened to Mike or Em I would devout my life to taking care of them, but this situation is a bit different. Just confused. Oh and getting REALLY angry!!! How come a neurosurgeon who is in SURGERY at the moment had his assistant call me back already but the perinatal offices nurse can't yet? I mean come on!

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