Monday, April 24, 2017

A Pity Party

I am not sure where I am going to go with this blog but it will be raw and honest as usual. On Friday we received some news that will impact us financially. Rather than weighing out the options all I could think of was the amount was half our mortgage and began to panic. My mind wasn't working rationally. If it had been working correctly I would have realized we could find extra work or find some way to make it up. I felt a little........insane Friday. Like I was going to finally just lose my damn mind. It wasn't the news it was just an abundance of everything. On Friday I felt like since I was 7 years old life has just continuously smacked me down. I had one big huge nasty freaking pity party and I do mean nasty. I thank my husband for sitting down with me that night and talking to me. I told him I am sure I needed to listen to others and realize things could be worse. He said, "like what?" and he looked at me completely serious, it shocked me because I expected him to get on to me and tell me to lighten up. He said "out of all the horrific things you have been through in your life what could be worse then losing Jude? What could be worse than losing a child"..........then he paused.........."Nothing. You have a right to be upset." 

However it's a little beyond upset. I am NOT well mentally at all and I am very well aware of that. I could see a counselor but lack health insurance however from reading my loss forums I have learned this is normal. It's just hard. That's really the only way to explain it losing someone is just hard. I think of Jude every single day and wish I could have just one more hour with him. I would give everything for him to have a normal healthy life and be here with us. I miss his nurses and our way of life even though it was difficult. Looking back this weekend was the Miss Dallas pageant and that's where we went to immediately following Jude's death to find Emily. I am sure that's what my trigger was. However it was still good to see friends and get out of the house for a bit. The house seems to be my safe haven and if anyone were to ask me what would truly help me I think I would say to be at home and just rest. Work kills me and I know I should be grateful I have a good job but I am so very tired. I just want time to properly grieve and to heal but I feel like commuting, working, and commuting back has kept me from doing that. So do I pray to have my house paid off miraculously? No. I just pray for peace and pray for those around me then I still thank God for all I have and all my blessings. 

Some days are harder than others and some days I grieve okay. Now I am just hoping that going forward we don't have anymore hail, major disasters, and that we keep everyone healthy, I would be eternally grateful. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A Picture and More

Last night was not a good night. I sat in my bath tub and sipped on wine, listened to music, and cried my eyes out for Jude. It have good days and bad days. Suddenly I felt like something was surrounding me and I felt compelled to snap a picture. Forgive the nature that this was snapped from my bath tub but this is what my photo showed. There are ZERO filters applied to this picture and I have the original time stamped photo. 

Two minutes later the bathroom was back to normal. 

I felt a little better so I tucked the piggy in and went to bed. 

I want to thank all of you for continuing to follow our story and for putting up with my social media posts regarding life in general and my business ventures. My therapy seems to be social media and those that have stuck with me will always be appreciated. 

Also I received this picture today!! My car has been fixed from the hail. I am so happy and cannot wait to get her back. Thanks Express Auto Hail Repair. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Heart Wrenching But Spot On!

I don't know how you do it. 

I never could handle my child being so sick. 

You are super woman. 

I don't know how you cope. 

I just cannot imagine. 

These are all expressions I have heard and although I understand the statements it's not always accurate. Sometimes parents of sick children fall apart. Sometimes we cry, we scream, and we feel very lost. The video below made me do the ugly cry at work. I have done every single one of these acts and once you get yourself together you wipe your tears and keep walking. You do it because your child needs you and they deserve the best possible care. I have cried learning about the feeding tube just like the mom below, I have crumbled in the shower bawling, I have screamed in the car asking why Jude, and I have cried in an elevator while people were around. So could handle it but sometimes it breaks you. Then if you lose that child the glue that held you together is no longer there so you have to find a new formula to keep moving forward.   

Thursday, April 13, 2017

My first Vlog - Suicide Prevention

Welcome to my first VLOG! I didn't feel I could properly write my feelings regarding this subject. So if you feel compelled to watch my video about suicide prevention and the show 1:3 Reasons Why," then please tune in. This is a very personal subject for me and I remind you I am not a therapist I am simply a person that lived through a tragic suicide loss. NWISD lost another child this week and I needed to say these words. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

One Year

We made it through Jude's one year mark and we now keep walking the path ahead of us. I used the description today that I have before that grief feels like you have lost a limb and you learn to live your life without that major component. On Sunday we went to visit Jude and took him a few things to decorate his headstone even more than it already is. I think Jude may have the most festive place of rest there is. We put a large pinwheel up that fascinated children as I walked through the store when I purchased it so I am sure Jude would have liked it too. We also put out a basket of rocks for people to place on top of his marker to indicate they were there and said a prayer for Jude. 

It's hard for me to put into words my exact feelings a year later so I will share with you my husband raw feelings that he posted on Facebook. I relate to them completely. 

"Even after taking the worst blows of my life I have managed to survive a year. Have you ever seen the pictures of houses after a horrible tornado or hurricane? A single stoic house still standing in midst of total destruction. Although the house is standing and appears to be unscathed, what you don't see is that the house is just an empty shell of itself. What the photo doesn't show is the devastation caused in the inside and like those other houses around it that house too will soon be demolished. I sometimes wonder if my fate is the same. 
I wish I could tell you everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I've gotten good at lying everyday. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I just don't want to be here. It's just not the same without You.
I have succumbed to the fact that this unbearable pain will always be my cross to bear. They say time lessens the pain but for that to be possible my love for You would have to lessen as well.
So like the year-passed I will forge through. I will try to live my life not like the man I'd thought I'd should be but more like the man You taught me to be.
Over the years I had told several people that I prepared for your passing as much as I could by mourning you every single day. The idea was that I wouldn't end up with a large payment of grief after you passed. Yeah, well that was another futile attempt on my part to control the uncontrollable.
It wasn't till You were born that I finally understood what I was looking for this whole time. I always new you were special but it wasn't till you were gone that I knew how blessed I was.
Now that You are gone I am left confused and unsure. Unsure what Life has in store for me. Confused about how people even manage to overcome tragedies. I used to say it is just random chaos and things just happen. I'm not so sure now. I'm having a hard time finding a purpose in life. Nothing seems as important as taking care of You.
You will always be my Son. I will always love You immensely. I ask You to keep sending me those signs. I still need those little crumbs to lead me down the right path. Until we laugh again Jude."

I have started yet another adventure but one I have always dreamed up. My hope is to someday expand and have a store front. Please do me a favor and go like this page. Also if you know someone shopping for prom or pageant dresses I would appreciate the referral.

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Hard Night and 13 Reasons Review

I didn't sleep well last night. It was a year ago today that there were two entries made in my blog. The later one said, "Jude has taken a rapid decline," before I sped home to see his little face. I will never forget that drive home and holding him in my arms. It's a sad but precious memory. I was up way to late, I didn't sleep well when I did lay down, and I don't want to be at work today so please have patience with me. We know it's just a weekend we have to get through. 

On a different note, I have been watching the Netflix series 13 Reasons. It's no secret that this show is based on a girl who committed suicide in high school and gives 13 reasons why she performed the act. I have been rather mesmerized with this series and honestly wish it had been available when I was in high school. The acting is superb and the direction of a regular TV show mixed with an outstanding play performance look is resonating. This is the first show that I have seen that exposes every aspect of the challenges facing teens today. From bullying, sexual assault, drugs, poor home lives, selfishness, self discovery, sexual preferences, loneliness, depression, athletic performance, and the stress of grades. It's also the first show I believe that doesn't glorify the suicide because they tell you how it really is. It's death and it's final and you are basically thrown in a body bag. I know it sounds like a depressing show and it's challenging to watch but if you have young children that will be moving into teens or a teen I highly recommend watching it to remember how difficult it is to navigate through that age. Emily is currently watching it and I am glad because I wish I had seen it at that age.  I could see myself feeling like I wasn't alone and realizing that although life is hard people around you DO care. That you do get through high school and your situation DOES and WILL change. 

I appreciate the little things people have done for our family this week. I notice the texts, the little gifts, and everyone changing their profiles to the remembrance candle on Facebook. It's strange because the efforts make me feel comforted but there is a part of me that just doesn't want to remember so I don't say much. Just know you are appreciated. I am going to turn my phone off Sunday so if I don't answer you know why. I also dropped the freaking thing in the bath last night because that's how life rolls lately and I can only hear you on speaker if you call me. You know you giggled. I mean it sucks but it's so my luck, lol. So I have no idea when someone is calling or texting until I actually look. 

Thank you for caring. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Sadness In The World

Yesterday friends on Facebook were posting pictures of the devastation from the tragedy in Syria. I looked as little boys bodies lay strewn around with looks of shock still displayed on their faces and Jude just flashed in my mind. It broke my heart. I thought to myself how horribly cruel this world can be sometimes. I choose not to look at the photo's any further but that doesn't mean the devastation isn't there. Regardless of whatever political affiliation you lean towards everyone can admit people losing their lives by chemical warfare is terrible. I question what we can truly do to make the world a better place and to stop all the cruelty. I wonder if world peace will ever be a possibility. 

The other night I was taking my evening walk and I took in the serenity lacing the air in the warm spring breeze. For a fleeting moment I was overcome with excitement regarding the moment my life would be over. That sounds like a terrible thought but it was actually a very peaceful one. For the first time I realized I truly would get to see Jude again and if I make it through my life as a good and decent person that would really come to pass. I felt relief and hope and realized I no longer questioned an afterlife. 

I sometimes wonder why the world has to have so much loss, grief, and sadness. We all have our own religious thoughts or scientific based evidence but that still doesn't answer or fulfill my curiosity. I figure that the only thing I can do is try to find the beauty hidden in each day that I am here on Earth. I guess if we spread beauty and positivity then that in itself is a way to make a difference.