Thursday, November 16, 2017

The Silence

Gosh I have been so busy I feel like I am missing everyone. Being busy is a great thing though and I am making great strides at work which makes me feel accomplished. The holidays are fast approaching again and that always brings mixed feelings of sadness and joy. I am beginning to battle insomnia a bit again which I think I can directly relate to my feelings regarding the above. At night I generally wake up between 3-4 which is the exact same time I used to wake up with Jude. Sometimes I wake up thinking I hear Jude's oxygen pump whistling, his feeding monitor blaring, or his blood/ox alarm beeping. Mostly though I just hear silence so I run my bathroom fan to drown out how loud the silence is. It's amazing how deafening it can be to hear absolutely nothing. 

Yes it's still sad and yes we still miss Jude very much. However I can say we are starting to find laughter again and are making great strides to get back out and do things. I think work is helping us heal and being involved in the community is helping as well. I have to drag Mike with me but he does go and seems to enjoy himself. 

I am anxious for Emily to get home so we can put up the holiday and remember how much Jude loved the Christmas lights. Last year as people put up the trees they would post pictures on social media and tag them #IdiditforJude. If you think of him I think that would be nice again. 

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone. Be grateful for all you have because you never know when your have could turn into have not. 



Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Happy Halloween

It's Halloween and we know that's a hard day for us but one I can also look back on with love and smiles. We always had the Emily's Smile Box haunted graveyard, Jude was always dressed up, and a nurse would always stay late to help us so we could work the charity event. I miss those times. I just really miss Jude and his nurses. 

Our lives are getting a bit better and more easier to manage. We are venturing out more than we used to and trying to make an effort to participate in life itself. My work is so busy that I barely have time for many other ventures but that's a good thing. We have multiple charity events and other gala's I get to attend now and that keeps us busy. I still have terrible anxiety especially when I have to go anywhere on the highway in DFW. If you invite me somewhere and it requires us to drive across the metroplex I will be a RAGING mess by the time I get there. SO don't get offended if I say no. We tend to invite people over to our house so I feel more comfortable and in my safe zone. Hopefully people understand. We still pop in the cemetery to tell Jude hi and we notice everyone's little items they still leave on his grave and it's very thoughtful. 

So life is moving on and we are keeping up for a change. I am not sure what all lies in wait for us but taking life a step at a time is working for now. 

Hope everyone is well. 


Wednesday, October 18, 2017

A Mid Week Update

I haven't written a lot lately. I guess that's because I am doing okay. I have hard Jude days still but mostly my memories are good ones of him. I had someone describe the loss of a child recently and I thought it was a good description. She had lost a limb and said when she first lost her leg she always felt pain even though her leg wasn't there anymore. She would reach for it, try to touch it, and try to rub the pain away but there was nothing physical for her to relate to anymore. She said it was the worst pain she had ever experienced until she lost of a child. She mentioned how she could correlate of the loss of a limb with the loss of a child because physically they just are not there anymore. 

So I basically have a new job. My agent that I worked for has retired and our office was taken over by a new agent out of Colleyville. I really like him and I think our agency will grow rapidly. So if you have any quotes you need on home, auto, life, commercial, or other insurance agencies please let me know. 

We are trying to go through a refinance on our home so a few prayers would be great. As usual something always pops up. Taxes in Texas are just becoming outrageous so this refi would help. 

Emily is doing very well. I am working on getting her home for Thanksgiving. It will be nice to see her! I miss seeing her bright smile everyday when I get home. 

All the snimals on the farm are well and we are taking it step by step each day. Well short and sweet but that's the quick update. 


Monday, October 2, 2017

Update

It has been awhile since I posted and that's only because I wasn't sure how to phrase my post. I work at an insurance agency that was taken over by a new agent and the new agent is amazing. I have again been blessed!!! My ten year wedding anniversary is coming up and despite what we have been through my loving husband and I are still together. Emily is thriving at Alabama but she is a little homesick.

However for some reason I feel more alone than I ever have. Jude is still gone and I am still sad. Life is still marching toward as well it should but it marches without my Jude. I still need my friends and I feel like a huge burden and from what I have read this is a normal everyday feeling so I am just chalking this up to hypersensitivity and my own issues after Jude's loss. I imagine after a job change, the loss of a child, and major catastrophic storm that anyone would have some stress.

I think what happened in Vegas is bothering me. So many parents lost their children last night and they're just starting this horrible journey!!


Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Tears and Floods

I have taken on some new roles with the work I do and I am so busy that people aren't hearing from me much. Just know I am still here and love you all! Because I have been so busy Mike took me to dinner last night. While at our table there was the most adorable little girl sitting next to us. She had big beautiful brown eyes and the cutest bob haircut. She was with her grandparents and kept playing with her grandmother laughing out loud. At first I smiled because she was so infectiously adorable. Then the tears that generate out of no where just fell like Niagra Falls and I could not stop them. Mike joked that we couldn't get the waitress to pay for our bill. I said, "well hell no she's back there thinking I am NOT going to that table." And then we both laughed which is all you can do. 

Many of you know I am in Texas just merely four hours away from the devastating floods affecting the great state I live in. I've seen such horrible devastation and Mike and I both have family and friends affected. We ask that you pray and donate to those in need. This catastrophe will take years to recover from and we don't need to forget about those in need!  

I am currently watching the movie, "John Q" and man I can so relate! I would not go to those extremes but having a medically fragile child and trying to get medical help with insurance can be that frustrating. 

We are leaving for our short trip to celebrate Jude's life and his birthday on Friday. I am leaving our animal sitter with all our bad babies and I have informed him they're much worse than Marley on Marley and me lol. 

Have a good night! I am blogging on my phone so forgive my grammar.





Friday, August 25, 2017

The Circle Theory.

What does Graham Allen say?, "Watch out America because this one's going to sting!" It stung me but I learned from it. 

I have taken on a new position at work so I don't have much time to blog anymore. However I decided to take a mini lunch break today to check my Facebook and update my blog. 

About a year ago I posted a blog with the link to an article about the circle theory. Basically it works like this. If a person is affected by a tragedy or major situation then you place that person and their immediate family (spouse and children) in the inner most part of the circle. Then you draw additional circles around the middle which associates to the next closest people. So a circle for family, then friends, then co workers, etc, etc. You cannot dump anything negative into the inner circles and you need to refrain from getting involved more than you have been asked to with the inner circles. Even though last year we were the inner most part of the theory I decided to adopt this way of thinking in my regular life and I can report a year later it's been amazing! I figured this circle theory could apply to more than just tragedies and personal struggles. 

In other words I withdrew myself as much as possible from any negativity, drama, or tragic situations that I should not be personally involved in. If I have a friend or family member that has a situation going on then I let them know I am here if they need me and I step back until I am asked for help. I have realized people's personal tragedies and circumstances are not my own personal drama's. So if there is a divorce, a drug situation, a death, problems in a marriage, school issues, a separation, a child drop out of school, or other issues I realize it's not my personal drama.  Nor is my opinion needed or requested unless it's been personally asked for. My friends and my family know I am there if they need me but me sitting around participating in dramatic conversations that only lead to further frustrations doesn't help. Me sitting around being worried and stressed over a situation out of my control, does not help. So I take care of what I can in my own immediate family's life, I realize before I judge that my mirror is dirty too, and I let those I love know I am there is they want and need me there. 

I am not saying I won't speak up if someone is being abused or mistreated because I will. However eliminating situations out of my life that my opinion and decisions have no bearing on has had a significant difference in my personal stress level. I for one really like the circle theory! 


Monday, August 21, 2017

The Seconds

When I first lost Jude I heard parents who had lost children say that the second year is the hardest. I personally thought they were insane and disregarded their comments. I can now admit that the parents that told me this information were very well versed in grief and were spot on.  I think you spend so much of your life right after losing someone very close in deep shock and you don't truly FEEL anything. I personally ran from the situation and immersed myself into work, traveling, or having multiple glasses of wine. Now that I have a reign on my grieving process I feel very very alone. I'm not lost but I do feel alone and almost a bother to those around me. Simple tasks seem like MT Everest to me and require a lot of patience from others.

It's mostly all based on my own hang ups but I do see many other grieving parents struggle with the same feelings I do. The "seconds"'seem to far exceed the "firsts" in emotional turmoil. The second birthday is fast approaching and even though we are getting away it's still extremely sad. I realize that the tiny baby face I remember so vividly in my mind never really stood a shot at life as we know it. I also realize I am older and cannot have anymore children and I am not sure I want to adopt so I'm conflicted. While I watch everyone drop their children at the first day of school this week I realize Jude would be 9! He would be in the fourth grade and probably amazingly smart like Mike. This week of back to school has been a hard but one I share in joy and sadness with those around me. I watch your children with a smile while I try to cover my true pain but still smile in admiration at you're triumphs.

Some might think it's because of Emily is gone but it's not because I am so incredibly proud of Em! She rushed Delta Gamma this week (story for another day) and she's called me multiple times. Even though today's call was to find her laundry detergent, lol. I do miss Emily and seeing her beautiful smile each night on my couch but I know she will do so well.

I think in the second year I have also become more aware that we all have personal tragedies going on and I realize that even though I need people sometimes they just don't have anything to give and vice versa. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I have left in me but then I email or text a friend late at night and someone is always there with a smile.

So what's been the hardest part of the second year?
1. Not knowing where Jude went
2. The anger! Ugh I'm so mad sometimes especially at what I perceive as stupid pointless arguments in the world. So forgive me if I get wound up
3. I can't sleep... ever. I am still just tired
4. The doctors just say "this is normal"
5. Saying the words, "this isn't any easier" even though I thought it would be.
6. Eliminating those that just continue to drag me down
7. Realizing my life is just to much for others at times and respecting that
8. Realizing what's important to me may not be as important as I perceive it to be

So thank you to those that continued to understand. That knew I was fragile and didn't expect anything in return. I may be sad at times but you are appreciated.