Thursday, May 29, 2008

Another post

I am down today, and I am not sure why so you will have to bear with me. I am not feeling that great physically which could be the underlying cause to my sudden mystery sadness. I have been rather nauseated all day, and have an overall feeling of being run down. I also realize that I am not very talkative with my hubby on the phone lately, or really with anyone. Maybe it's just normal pregnancy hormones? Maybe it's because I am just tired. Like I said before the waiting and uncertainty is taking a toll on me. The bargaining, praying, and educating myself regarding Jude can be overwhelming. You might wonder why I am down after receiving positive news yesterday. Maybe it's because I am so afraid of being let down again? I have educated myself so much that I probably grasp within my mind a lot more than some people who read this blog. I am not saying anyone isn't educated I am just saying that I have done a mass amount of research regarding possible negative prenatal diagnoses. I know what the positives are, and I know what possible negatives there are in front of us. I am thankful there is so much information regarding medical issues available to us. I have learned a lot and honestly wish I would have pursued a career in the medical field.
Even though I choose to rely on the positive I am ever the realist too. Actually... I say I am a realist, but when you reflect on that word during a situation that requires only faith you question the definition of reality. I am also so frustrated with the medical community, and at the same time understand them. They don't have all the answers, and help us as much as they can. Then again sometimes I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel, and am not sure when I will get off. One doctor isn't sure what the other one said, and each has their own opinion. So around and around the Ferris wheel goes and where it stops nobody knows. Also, I have realized it is truly unfair to call Dr Doom well Dr Doom. He is a nice, educated man, that deals with hysterical women everyday. After 5000 cases he must be a bit tired, and he deserves my respect.
I truly want to believe that Jude is going to be OK. The decrease in the brain vents is such a positive sign that I question how it could this not be a miracle. Granted that was not from a level 2 sonogram, but still the measurements should be very close. I have just gotten my hopes up and believed so much only to have them shot down that I am a bit hesitant. When everyone else goes on with their everyday living......the person living through the situation is still there. I am not complaining because I know this experience will have an education to it. Maybe I am being taught to have more patience?
While writing this blog my friend Sarah told me about another persons circumstance of dealing with a negative prenatal diagnosis. Unfortunately, hers was a much worse situation. She knew the baby would not survive, but chose to bring her into the world anyway. She relied solely on faith and in my opinion she has a lot of strength. In her blogs she is also so bright and so full of love. I am afraid I lack her courage, and abundant resilience. I am a bit tired myself and I realize I get rather bitter in some of my blogs. I admire her for being thankful for her pregnancy because it seems so unfair for a mother to carry a child only to have the child pass away. To go through giving birth only to never hold them in your arms again. I read about how she felt the baby move, kick, hiccup, etc. Again, why would we as mothers be subjected to feel our child in the "fluid motion" only to watch them deteriorate right after birth. Yes, if you did not know the amniotic fluid is a different environment all together. What happens inside may not happen outside. She seems so strong because I think I would be very angry.
I am so thankful that Jude's vents have decreased though. I also have a different "feeling" about the whole pregnancy. Before when we would go to the doctor to get a repeat sonogram I had an ill feeling that loomed over me. It was like I knew before the doctor spoke what the outcome was going to be. Yesterday, I had a positive feeling, and I just knew Jude was getting better. I watched his legs extend out as far as he could stretch them. I also watched him breathe the amniotic fluid in and out knowing that was a good sign. You could even see his tiny tongue on the sonogram flickering in the fluid (not sure if I mentioned that yesterday). In the end I know that no matter the outcome it will be a blessing to hold Jude in my arms. I want to see his tiny feet and kiss them lightly because I have such an affinity for baby feet. I only hope to watch him grow like his sister has. I also hope he will be as wonderful, caring, sensitive, and sweet as she is. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. I appreciate your warm thoughts, wishes, and prayers.

1 comment:

Kel said...

It is entirely normal to be down after positive news! That's the worst part of the uncertainty - you're afraid to be happy because you don't want to be proven wrong. I struggle with that every day with my son. I'm thinking of you often, though, and hope all of the worry is for naught!