Friday, May 9, 2008

D Day ~ This ones emotional people be prepared

So today is the big dctr appt and I am at work patiently (not) waiting on 2pm to roll around. Which means the appt is at 2pm, but we will get in about 3pm. Have I mentioned how I hate doctors that make you wait? So I am wondering which would have been better working today or sitting at home? They both sound terrible. So I am trying to keep myself occupied. I have done some work this morning, and now it's time to blog. Prior to blogging I checked my myspace and saw some inspirational messages of hope from people. I also saw a bulletin from a mother on one of my forums about how late abortion is a horrible thing. Sigh, I know she didn't think about it, but come on..........that's the worst thing I could have seen this morning! That's what termination is, and it's awful to even be in the position that you might have to consider something like that. You could tell there are probably pics on there too in between the text, but luckily I didn't see them. The text alone was horrible. I had to stop at the baby feels pain.....ARGH! I agree that aborting a healthy pregnancy 6 months along (like the lady she posted about) is probably the worst thing a human being could do. Although, until your in the position of deciding about a very unhealthy pregnancy, or termination you just don't understand. I PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I will NOT have to make that decision. I have even gone so far to pray to God that if Jude will suffer or have no quality of life to please take him now so I don't have to decide that. Until it's in your hands to wonder if it's fair that your child might never walk, talk, see, eat, feel, love, or have any emotion you don't understand. Until you have to wonder if he is in pain, but cannot tell you then you cannot understand. Until you realize it's a possibility your child will never take his first steps to you, see his first butterfly, or taste his first Popsicle YOU will NEVER understand! Until you have to deal with the fact that the baby you feel moving inside of you might not move on the outside YOU will never understand!!!!!! People feel certain ways about political statements until they are faced with the situation. Now don't get me wrong I understand the bulletin was about a different situation, but it still really got under my skin this morning. Mike and I both talked about if the horrible decision is made because Jude has severe and I mean severe brain damage then what if there are people picketing or something? I think Mike might really hurt them so let's hope that's not the case. I am not thinking that way though........well I try not to. I am human so to not let the thought even cross my mind is impossible. I still wonder why hospitals think it's ok to tell women that have unhealthy pregnancies they have to go to a clinic?!?! That may be something yours truly with the big mouth, and political backing may be fighting in the future. My emotions are very up and down today so just bear with me. I keep hearing the prayer going over and over in my head. "Dear Lord please let Jude's brain have healed, or at least show positive progress. If not please take him now and spare us anymore heartache.". I never thought I would pray for such a thing. Half of that horrible thought is if Jude should pass I could have him at the hospital and actually get to hold him before saying goodbye. Seems a lot more fair to me. I have hope though I really really DO!!! We went last Thursday and his head had increase some and his ventricles had stayed the same! So I am hoping for the same. I am hoping that is the case and then I am cutting these sonograms off because Jude is meant to be! I will enjoy the remaining 3 months and we will deal with whatever happens just happens. It's strange going through something like this. Your mind is split between medical reality and faith. You question science and you question religion. You question what is fair and life and why babies would even have issues. Is it just random chaos as Mike says? Is it natural selection? Is it the Devil? I have friends very close friends that most of my other friends have NO CLUE have lost a child. At least 4 close ones that I can name off (but wouldn't) that didn't just have miscarriages........they lost babies at 28-37 weeks. They had to go through the pain of labor knowing they were going to deliver a baby that had passed away. Why does this happen? Two of these cases there were no explanations. The baby was perfectly healthy and it was just a fluke. One had placenta abruption, and one she terminated due to a very unhealthy heart. So why? They were all good women who would have provided wonderful homes for children. They weren't drug dealers who would have ignored their baby to shoot up. I guess this is just the way the world works. It is this way with animals and I guess that includes us. I kinda need Mike today, but I know he is hurting too. I just want Dr Doom to turn into Dr Sunshine.
Jude is currently listening to Brandi Carlile. He seems to like her.......or hates her depending on what the kicks mean. I will post later this evening. Surely if we all pull together with positive thoughts and prayer there is a chance.

1 comment:

ShannonD said...

Jennifer hang in there! Remember the power of positive thinking and that God will never give you more than you can handle! I believe in miracle babies and I believe Jude will be a miracle baby!

Your family will be in our prayers!