SATC

I am on a support forum with some other women. It seems one of the ladies that was due in August had a placental abruption yesterday and delivered her baby. She was just standing in line at Taco Bell, and started bleeding badly. Poor thing! Mike swears someone is putting something horrible in the water. Anyway her son is in the NICU, but seems to be doing very well. I am thrilled to hear that he is thriving! He was over three pounds and she even included some pictures. She is in my prayers today.
I am doing better today than yesterday. Jude was so active last night that you could see my stomach rolling. I made Mike feel him and he looked at me shocked and said "Wow, it's like fireworks in your tummy!". That's a pretty accurate description. Mike and I have a date night tonight, and we need it. We are going to dinner, and then to see Sex and the City (hooray!!). I have already lined up my tickets to make sure there movie isn't sold out before we get there. Also, even though money is tight I need to go get Em some clothes. Children's place always has great deals so we ware swinging by there too.
Mike made me feel great this morning. I called him and he said he was just thinking about me. Since you feel oh so sexy when you are pregnant that made me feel wonderful. I am hoping to finish Jude's room soon. I am still hunting items to put on the wall, and I need some shelves to put up. Luckily I have a pretty handy husband who is going to make some shelves for me. I wanted them rather rustic looking since the room is in a barnyard theme. It is coming along though and I think it's pretty cute! It is very important to me to treat Jude and this pregnancy normal. I feel it is only fair to him, and that in the end my faith in him will prove it is normal. I hope everyone has a good weekend. I will update Monday after I see the level 2 specialist. We will know where Jude's brain vents are for sure after that appointment.

update

After I wrote all that below Mike called to tell me my aunt sent me a package. I asked him to open it up and see what was inside. He said it was a ST Jude's necklace for me to wear. She also sent a little one for Emily. She said she was getting them for everyone to wear to support Jude. Even though I am not Catholic (Mike is) St Jude is very inspirational. Anyway, it made my day and made me very teary. I am going to get home to see them and give her a call.

Another post

I am down today, and I am not sure why so you will have to bear with me. I am not feeling that great physically which could be the underlying cause to my sudden mystery sadness. I have been rather nauseated all day, and have an overall feeling of being run down. I also realize that I am not very talkative with my hubby on the phone lately, or really with anyone. Maybe it's just normal pregnancy hormones? Maybe it's because I am just tired. Like I said before the waiting and uncertainty is taking a toll on me. The bargaining, praying, and educating myself regarding Jude can be overwhelming. You might wonder why I am down after receiving positive news yesterday. Maybe it's because I am so afraid of being let down again? I have educated myself so much that I probably grasp within my mind a lot more than some people who read this blog. I am not saying anyone isn't educated I am just saying that I have done a mass amount of research regarding possible negative prenatal diagnoses. I know what the positives are, and I know what possible negatives there are in front of us. I am thankful there is so much information regarding medical issues available to us. I have learned a lot and honestly wish I would have pursued a career in the medical field.
Even though I choose to rely on the positive I am ever the realist too. Actually... I say I am a realist, but when you reflect on that word during a situation that requires only faith you question the definition of reality. I am also so frustrated with the medical community, and at the same time understand them. They don't have all the answers, and help us as much as they can. Then again sometimes I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel, and am not sure when I will get off. One doctor isn't sure what the other one said, and each has their own opinion. So around and around the Ferris wheel goes and where it stops nobody knows. Also, I have realized it is truly unfair to call Dr Doom well Dr Doom. He is a nice, educated man, that deals with hysterical women everyday. After 5000 cases he must be a bit tired, and he deserves my respect.
I truly want to believe that Jude is going to be OK. The decrease in the brain vents is such a positive sign that I question how it could this not be a miracle. Granted that was not from a level 2 sonogram, but still the measurements should be very close. I have just gotten my hopes up and believed so much only to have them shot down that I am a bit hesitant. When everyone else goes on with their everyday living......the person living through the situation is still there. I am not complaining because I know this experience will have an education to it. Maybe I am being taught to have more patience?
While writing this blog my friend Sarah told me about another persons circumstance of dealing with a negative prenatal diagnosis. Unfortunately, hers was a much worse situation. She knew the baby would not survive, but chose to bring her into the world anyway. She relied solely on faith and in my opinion she has a lot of strength. In her blogs she is also so bright and so full of love. I am afraid I lack her courage, and abundant resilience. I am a bit tired myself and I realize I get rather bitter in some of my blogs. I admire her for being thankful for her pregnancy because it seems so unfair for a mother to carry a child only to have the child pass away. To go through giving birth only to never hold them in your arms again. I read about how she felt the baby move, kick, hiccup, etc. Again, why would we as mothers be subjected to feel our child in the "fluid motion" only to watch them deteriorate right after birth. Yes, if you did not know the amniotic fluid is a different environment all together. What happens inside may not happen outside. She seems so strong because I think I would be very angry.
I am so thankful that Jude's vents have decreased though. I also have a different "feeling" about the whole pregnancy. Before when we would go to the doctor to get a repeat sonogram I had an ill feeling that loomed over me. It was like I knew before the doctor spoke what the outcome was going to be. Yesterday, I had a positive feeling, and I just knew Jude was getting better. I watched his legs extend out as far as he could stretch them. I also watched him breathe the amniotic fluid in and out knowing that was a good sign. You could even see his tiny tongue on the sonogram flickering in the fluid (not sure if I mentioned that yesterday). In the end I know that no matter the outcome it will be a blessing to hold Jude in my arms. I want to see his tiny feet and kiss them lightly because I have such an affinity for baby feet. I only hope to watch him grow like his sister has. I also hope he will be as wonderful, caring, sensitive, and sweet as she is. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. I appreciate your warm thoughts, wishes, and prayers.

Thursday

It's almost the weekend and I am salivating over the thought of being able to sleep in! To top that off it's almost summer and Emily will be out of school. Which means I don't have to rush out the door, but increased daycare costs loom overhead. It's a win lose type of thing. Anyway, as happy as I am to have received good news about Jude I am a bit reflective today of past news. I am afraid to get my hopes up that the situation may actually be resolving itself. So therefore, I have resolved to stay complacent for now. I also went ahead and scheduled an appointment for Monday with Dr. Doom...sigh! I guess there is a part of me that feels if he says things are improving they really truly are. I would also like to know why I am measuring larger in fundal height. Dr moser said there was a lot of amniotic fluid and if she doesn't seem worried then I won't be. Although, I do know an excess of amniotic fluid can be caused if the baby has a neuro problem and isn't swallowing as much as the baby should. I highly doubt that is the issue though, and if it was he is making up for it now. Also another cause is a twin that dissolved which I have mentioned is listed as a cause of the brain issues we are experiencing. Really makes me wonder!! I really think all of this maybe just delays due to the prior brain bleed. The point is I am still wrestling with unknown. When presented with a less than desirable situation I guess thoughts occupy your mind. Regardless of whether you get on with normal life it still take a toll on you emotionally and physically. The waiting is now getting unbearable and I still have 13 weeks to go. I have noticed I get on happy highs when I hear promising news or read promising stories. Then I plummet a bit thinking of "what could be". I know that if his corpus callosum stays thin and there is any additional thinning he could be paralyzed among other issues. Then again if the ventricles are decreasing in size it would only be logical to realize there is brain tissue filling in those spots. So I go Monday to Dr Doom and I will post what he says. As I finished typing Jude seemed to be changing positions and getting comfortable again. He moves more often now. I still play him my ipod and I am convinced that helps his brain. Em goes to her dads this weekend, and I will miss her as usual. Although, maybe I can talk my hubby into taking me to see Sex and the City.....maybe.

Ob appointment

I actually heard some encouraging news today.......yes I said encouraging! I went to my OB and after wiggling my way out of why I haven't gone to see Dr Doom I received my sonogram. She measured Jude's ventricles and stated that the left side was measuring 9.2 and the right side 7.8. That means they are DOWN!!!! woo hoo! I was watching her measure the ventricles and when I saw the scan across I said "Does that really say 7.8???"
She also said the corpus callosum is there on both sides. It's a little thin still, but that could be caused by the pressure on the brain from the fluid. In addition to that she sees additional brain tissue! That was wonderful to hear! Granted she is not the level 2 sono, but still her measurements before were 10.4 the same as his! The only concerning things were there was fluid in 2 spots on the left side. Also, that the head was measuring 22 weeks 4 days. That was alarming to me since we are watching for microcephaly. Although, she stated she really thinks she could have been off on the measurement and that the circumference is measuring normal. She said she will re-scan in 2 weeks and if at that time it is still measuring small then she will be concerned. His sonogram was pretty cute. He had the hiccups at one point, was yawning, and then would just open and close his mouth. I enjoyed watching this one.
I have also been feeling so big lately. She told me I have a lot of extra amniotic fluid and that's why I am measuring larger. I still swear there are two babies in there. lol! Anyway, so hopefully Dr Doom won't deflate my balloon because this sounded very encouraging. I did agree to go see him around the end of June. Also, it looks like Jude will be born 9/2. Please say some prayers that the head increases in size and the ventricles keep decreasing! 7.8 is a normal size! Maybe he really will be our miracle baby!
I know the possible reality of this situation. I also know we love this baby very much, and regardless of what lies ahead we will give him the best life possible. He will have a beautiful big sister that already talks to him, a dad who adores him, and a mom who has faith in him. Thank you everyone for all your support so far. It truly means the world!

Heart dctr

So I went to the cardiologist that Dr moser wanted me to see. I sat there for an hour before I got taken back to the room. I then sat there for another 30 mins waiting on the doctor to come see me. I have serious issues with this and most people know where I stand on it. Don't get me wrong I understand that a doctor holds an important position. Although, I don't think we should ever ASSUME we have to wait that long to see someone. I am just as important in my role at work as she is in hers, and seeing how it is after a holiday weekend we are extremely busy. So therefore, I was out for extra time today on a doctor appointment where I never even SAW the doctor! Yep I didn't see her. Why? Because I left. Because I got up and told them that unfortunately I could not wait any longer. I had to get back to work, and that if they could find a spot where I could actually be seen then to let me know. Of course, I was very professional and cordial about it, but I was livid. I understand that sometimes doctors run behind in their line of work. I know the doctor was there so she didn't run out on an emergency. In my profession if I was running that late I would have someone come explain that to me, or make some sort of an effort. I was very offended! It makes patients feel like they are not important. I understand you have a higher education than I do, but that doesn't mean I am any less important. Why is it the medical profession is the only job where you can make someone wait an hour and a half and it should be acceptable? If I made someone wait for an hour and a half at my office they would fire me as their agent. So therefore, we should be able to fire our doctors for not treating us with respect. In the course of writing this blog they just called me and stated they "spoke" with the doctor and she states she won't have anything else until 6/16. I just bluntly told the nurse I don't have an hour and a half to wait on her.
Anyway, off my high horse. The funny of the day is I was just charged by a squirrel. Yes, a squirrel! I guess I scared the little bugger when I walked out of my office and he was not very happy about it! He made some high pitched screeching noise and rushed me like a bull. I fully expected to find tiny bull horns on his head. I am sure I was quit the spectacle running preggo in my high heel sandals from this tiny devil!
I go to my OB tomorrow and I will post any new sonograms and info. We will get to see how Jude's head is measuring. So I am a bit stressed which could account for my hostile mood :)

Memorial Day ~ Ps. I Love You

Fyi ~ spoilers on the Movie "Ps. I Love you" in here

Good Morning everyone! Well it's Memorial Day, and we should take a moment to think about all the people who have and are serving our country. I am also very glad to have a day off work, and am enjoying some relax time. I woke up about 8am to someone performing tae kwon do in my stomach. So I got up and then had some morning sickness?!?! What's that about?? I am 6 months?!?! All is gone now though and I am a happy camper. Mike made some fresh juice again this morning and it was wonderful. We then watched some birthing stories and Price Is Right. My kiddo loves that game show...ha! Now I am up here blogging and Mike is answering every question on Jeopardy behind me on the couch!! The boy really should be on a game show like Jeopardy ,or Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. It's ridiculous how much his brain retains. He could probably tell you every president, when they served, what they did, and who their cabinet was....you think I am exaggerating don't you? Come play Trivial Pursuit with him because I refuse to!
I rented PS. I Love You yesterday, and sat down to watch it last night. After Mike protesting that it was a "chick flick" and that he was refusing to watch so he would be working on the computer I settled in for my movie. Seems this movie was very well written, and even though it's very sad it has a lot of humor built into it. So therefore, my "chick flicks suck" husband ventured over to the couch with me after about 15 minutes of listening to the movie. I really didn't have high hopes for this movie because I figured it would be meaningless dialogue morphed into a tear jerker...I was wrong. I have been through the loss of people very close to me, and also going through this with Jude I could honestly relate to Hillary Swank in this film. There is a point where she just alienates herself from her friends, and seems like she doesn't care at all. If she does talk to them the issue she is dealing with occupies her conversation and her mind. When she shows back up right before her friends wedding after being absentee her friend looks at her, and asks her why she was so selfish. She asked if it was that horrible to see her happy and going on with her life. Hillary paused and then answered yes. GOOD HONEST ANSWER!!! I loved it! When we are processing difficult times or even tragedies we all respond in different ways. What some people think on how we should act or behave may just not fit with the way we NEED to act and behave. Hillary seemed to be like me too that she worries about how she hurts or ignores others, but her own emotions have just taken over. So even though we have accepted this situation with Jude and feel we are pretty normal now I am sure there are instances where I am just NOT. So I am sorry still if I offend anyone or just don't meet up to someone's expectations.
Let me also state that the movie reminded me how much I adore my friends and family. We should be thankful for everyone we have around us because we just don't know when we may lose someone. Speaking of? Where's my Kel this weekend??? Call me woman! Anyway, I will end with saying this about the movie. We were watching this movie and of course I would tear up at the thought of losing Mike. He would pat me and tell me he isn't going anywhere. Although, when she had to pack up her husbands clothes I think I saw some teary eyes and Mike said "I just couldn't do that. I would have to leave your stuff where it's at"
We are off to the lake today to Docia's. I enjoy going to her house because it's away from everything. It's just some time away!

Ps. It's much hotter than I remember when I was preggo with Em (WHEW), and No Sarah I am not getting in a swimsuit! ha ha ha. :)

Saturday

Awww it's a holiday weekend....hooray! Mike finished texturing the kitchen last night and it looks wonderful. I have such a great hubby. I am currently looking for something to take Em to do today.

As far as Jude goes a couple of things. First off I found my naughty kitty Angel in his crib again knocking down the mobile...sigh. I hate to think of it, but I may just have to get rid of her. She keeps knocking it down, sleeping in his bed, crawling on my counters, etc. Not sure I can handle that with a new baby. My other cats are indoor/outdoor and are wonderful. If they come in they just sit and chill out for a little while. Second, I have researched cord blood banking. This would help Jude if he ever had a serious situation that required stem cells, etc. It could possibly even help Emily if God forbid she needed them. If you would like to know more on cord blood here is a link: http://www.cordblood.com/cord_blood_faqs/cord_blood.asp

I would love to do this, but if you have priced it you know it is VERY VERY expensive to not only set up the initial collection, but to maintain to storage. I am not sure we would be in a position to do this. Honestly, I really think it is something our government should do for us given the fact it would be saving lives. Anyway, I am considering donating the cord. If more of us mothers do this then maybe karma would in turn repay us in case we ever needed this assistance. Does that make sense? It is amazing what progress they are making with cord blood. It is even been discovered recently that they think embryonic cells from cords will help cure Parkinson's, heart disease, and Alzheimer's! That's amazing and if we can help contribute to them finding this cure then we will!

I am off to search for something fun to do today and to make my family a big breakfast!

Friday 5/23

Good morning all. It's been a pretty busy week at work so I have been limited on my blog time. I am super excited it's a long weekend due to the holiday. I haven't had any doctor appointments so nothing new to report. I did get a call from my OB though who asked if I have scheduled an appt with the perinatalist (dr doom). Um no I haven't, and I really don't want to until after 28 weeks. Past 28 weeks they can see more results and get us more of a final answer. So therefore, anything before that time yet again just leaves us worried and with more questions. I think that is unnecessary stress that Jude and I don't need. Anyway, Ob also wants me to see a heart specialist in her building because I have heart flutters and a rapid heart beat. I had it with Emily too though, and I called my cousin the preggo guru and we both agree it's probably just the extra blood your body produces due to pregnancy. So I am really not that worried about it at all! I went and got a maternity shirt yesterday and stopped and looked at some cute little boy clothes. It made me happy to think about getting him items. Em won out yesterday though because she got a cute little pink dress that was on clearance. Well it seems Jude has been trying to break out lately because his movements are getting more frequent and more noticeable. I always put my ipod on and put the speakers on my stomach for Jude to listen to music. This is suppose to stimulate brain response thus stimulating growth. Well my ipod has been dead for two days, and I finally got it working last night. I put the music back on when I laid down in bed, and the baby started kicking like crazy. Mike pretended to be Jude's voice, "Day 135 in this cell and that strange music has started again I believe it's an effort to get me to come out, but I refuse!!! That mother lady can try all she wants but I will withstand this musical torture". HA HA HA. He cracks me up!

Update

Sorry for the late update I have been a BUSY bee today!!! I have worked my tail off. Anyway, I didn't get to do much today, but I did read some more on Microcephaly. It seems the doctors are correct in saying you cannot normally diagnose this issue until after 27 weeks gestation. So we need some new prayers Jude does not have this issue, and his head continues to grow with his body. It's basically a small head because the brain did not develop properly. It can cause minor developmental delays or death. I saw a picture of a baby that the parents lost that only lived a few hours from this condition. I don't think this will be the case with Jude though. Let me explain that I looked at the picture because there is a charity guild of photographers that will take these pics of children that pass or are in the NICU for parents. It helps with the grieving process, and they are beautifully done. They take pictures of their little feet, etc for the parents to keep. I told Mike that maybe this is why were are going through this. He does wonderful photography and maybe we are being drawn to help? It would be difficult though. I am being drawn to do something though regarding this situation. I know the blog is helping because there are med students, and a doctor following it. Although I still feel there is something else. I guess I will be led to the correct path if I be patient.
I am off to get Em to church youth group and eat with my hubby!

Very interesting read!!!!!

I was researching fetal movements in correlation to abnormalities, but couldn't find anything on the Internet. I did find this website though and found some VERY interesting material. Keep in mind the main issue the MRI dr says we are having is with "cortical thinning", or Jude's cerebral cortex.

http://www.zerotothree.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ter_key_brainFAQ

"Last of all to mature is the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for most of what we think of as mental life--conscious experience, voluntary actions, thinking, remembering, and feeling. It has only begun to function around the time gestation comes to an end. Premature babies show very basic electrical activity in the primary sensory regions of the cerebral cortex--those areas that perceive touch, vision, and hearing--as well as in primary motor regions of the cerebral cortex. In the last trimester, fetuses are capable of simple forms of learning, like habituating (decreasing their startle response) to a repeated auditory stimulus, such as a loud clap just outside the mother's abdomen. Late-term fetuses also seem to learn about the sensory qualities of the womb, since several studies have shown that newborn babies respond to familiar odors (such as their own amniotic fluid) and sounds (such as a maternal heartbeat or their own mother's voice). In spite of these rather sophisticated abilities, babies enter the world with a still-primitive cerebral cortex, and it is the gradual maturation of this complex part of the brain that explains much of their emotional and cognitive maturation in the first few years of life."

"Although it has already undergone an amazing amount of development, the brain of a newborn baby is still very much a work-in-progress. It is small--little more than one-quarter of its adult size--and strikingly uneven in its maturity. By birth, only the lower portions of the nervous system (the spinal cord and brain stem) are very well developed, whereas the higher regions (the limbic system and cerebral cortex) are still rather primitive."

All very interesting, and if you can read the whole page from the link.

Tuesday

Well not to be a grumpy complainer, but I woke up today with the worst pain from the kidney. I didn't even want to move from my bed, and I got really pissed off I had to (Poor hubby). Sometimes you just don't have a choice though, and you have to take your kids to school, and get your butt to work. It's awesome though feeling like one is in labor when your not. Yeah yeah I know, and I can hear people telling me stay positive because "you are how you feel". Well honestly I feel like POO today so I am a lil bitchy ok? Get over it! I am pretty tolerant of pain, but this takes the cake. If it doesn't go away I will be taking a trip up to L+D today to get an IV flush....I hate hospitals + needles so that should tell you something. I am tired of having something to complain about. I just want to feel good again. I know I need to keep Jude in as long as possible though. Also, I am sure you have read on the kidney issue through here, but let me explain. Basically my understanding is that hydronephrosis of the kidney is when your ureter (the small tube running from the kidney to the bladder) is blocked. So therefore it's like a water hose that has a kink in it. It spasms out because it cannot drain.... does that make sense? It's common in pregnancy, but most people don't know they have it because it develops in the third trimester...not the first and it isn't severe like this is. Must be a big boy....Mikes son for sure. I am kidding we aren't sure what caused it, but it could have been the cyst from earlier. I doubt it though since it's gone.
On a funny note I am wondering why people call my work after 8:30pm? I had two voice mails today after that time period. Do they expect us to be here, or are they looking for a voice mail?? Just wondering. On another funny note I am pretty much a roly poly lately. I think I posted that yesterday, but I truly am. It seems my tummy got really big within the last week. Mike said I looked like something the cat pooped last night when I fell on the bed..ha! I pretty much have to roll myself over to get off the couch or bed now. Gees, and I have 3 months to go! (perplexed look inserted here). A girl that saw me this weekend emailed me a sweet lil note. She told me how cute and tiny I looked pregnant. Um, I walk like a penguin so I doubt I am that tiny. Kel laughed at me getting down the stadium seating the other day, but I explained to her I topple over sometimes. I may not look that big, but I sure feel it. Anyway, Jude is active again today which is nice. Oh and as a follow up to last night Em did like Raiders. We only watched part of it because it was bedtime. I wasn't sure how she would respond to some of the cave scenes at the beginning with the people in the boobie traps. She looked at me and said "well if that doesn't look like a fake dummy gees!". LOL, Kids these days........as a kid that was real to me! Anyway, she got really into the rock chasing him through the cave, and was rooting he made it out. I guess she does see what I did as a kid with these movies. She also loves Star Wars........I guess she is mine :)

As a side note ~ What is the deal with the gas??? Why do I have to read about sweet little old women homeless on CNN? Just sick! Some of these millionaires need to contribute to our society!

Evening update

Whew I am really tired tonight for some reason!! I am ready to just relax. I just made dinner and now it is rest time. I have been reading back over my blog and this has definitely been an adventure. I still wish I knew what caused this issue with Jude. I don't drink when pregnant, I don't use drugs, I eat healthy, take my pre-natals, am careful, don't work with heavy lifting, etc. Just makes no sense. I did read an article today based on a study a doctor did on issues like Judes. Not exactly like his, but based on ventriculmegaly, brain hemorrhages, etc. Anyway, he based his findings of Mri's, sono's, etc. It stated that some babies that present with abnormalities early in gestation have a 6 week lag time compared to normal babies. Therefore, it isn't accurate to diagnose a probably severe issue without a full 10 week lag time, and multiple MRI'S. I hope he is right! Doesn't mean it will change our outcome, but still it gives me hope. I like reading the articles and medical research. It gives me a greater understanding and appreciation of the situation.
I am also touched by everyone that has read this blog and emailed me. I hope everyone will keep praying that all will be okay. I have even had people email me that are in a profession to help others in situations like mine in the future contact me. That is so wonderful!! As I am writing this Jude is wiggling around. He has been very active the past several days. Em is currently in the shower and about to see Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time!!! Let's hope she appreciates it like I did as a kid.

Monday

Good morning all. It was a rather relaxing weekend, and besides a killer headache throughout it it was wonderful. I enjoy spending quiet time with Mike. Of course, we always miss Em a few hours into the weekend. She came home last night and immediately she and Mike start wrestling in the floor......sigh. It's like two little kids, but it's pretty cute! I felt a bit like a roly poly this weekend and it's getting hard to get up from the bed. Mike still tells me I am pretty, but when you need a hand off the bed you don't feel that sexy let me tell ya :). Also, I told my cousin I need a plunger for my throat due to the heartburn. All the great symptoms of pregnancy.....but it's fun....well ok not the heartburn, but the rest. This morning when I got to work I stepped outside to check the payment box, and I realized what a beautiful morning it was. I realized I need to stop more lately, and appreciate my surroundings. I had a dream last night about going back to DR Doom's office. I think that is putting a lot of stress on me, and I plan to talk to the OB about it. My biggest fear is going back at 28 weeks and them telling me the ventricles have increased, or the cortical thinning is worse, or hearing that Jude has remarked brain damage. I really feel like he will be normal or as normal as he can be.
I watched a movie yesterday and it was based on a woman that had lost her Faith. Everything that had happened in life that could be explained as a miracle she could debunk with scientific data. Even the plagues from years ago in the Bible. After a life changing experience she found her faith. I guess I feel the same way a bit. My faith is being tested. I just hope after all this prayer, etc if things do not go well I don't completely lose my faith in everything. I really really want to prove the two doubting doctors wrong.

Jude

So I have been busy working this weekend and have not updated the blog. I am currently sitting here at the computer while Mike textures my kitchen. He made a comment yesterday that it's like we are playing catch up on everything because our lives were on hold. Em is with her dad this weekend, and I already miss her. We worked on Jude's room this weekend and I took a few pics. In one of the pics I noticed she had stuck a Disney princess book on his book shelf..ha! Anyway, I have been keeping up with some of my support forums. There are a lot of posts that I have read of women that had brain vents a little larger than Jude's that were not sent for an MRI. So the doctor's are simply working off sonograms, a clear amnio, etc. All of which Jude had. I am going to monitor these closely and see how their births turn out. So far there have been several that have delivered and they are normal babies. So I am continuing to ask for prayers. Have a great weekend everyone. Oh and I don't have another dr appointment for another week. I am suppose to go see DR. Doom, but I am going to try to put that off until week 28.

I got crafty the other night, and made something for Jude's room. What do you think?

End of the season

Well Emily's team lost last night, and even though we were sad for her we are almost relieved. I am personally exhausted from getting home so late, and I am sure she is too. So she will have the summer to rest, and then we start over again in the fall. The good news is her old coach is moving up to the 10 and under group, and she is just thrilled about that. She likes her current coach too so if she gets him again that will be fine also. He even gave her a bat last night after the game. I think it's because it was a short bat, and that's what she likes to hit with. We try to encourage her to use a longer bat, but she will have no part of that. She played very well though, and I am proud of her. She normally plays catcher, pitcher, and 2nd base. She is primarily catcher though and is very good at it! The coach tells her she has a "strong arm" so he puts her there. She is also quick at getting the ball back to the pitcher. I am very proud of her! There is a softball camp that is three days in June from 9-2. I am really wanting to send her, but the reality of being a full time working mom has always been the hours. For some reason daycamps decide to make their hours something that would NEVER fit with someone that works full time. I don't understand that (perplexed look). Seems like they would get more kids if they could run the camps within work hours like most daycares do. Either that or have some after care you can pay extra for.

Anyway, so I dreamt of Jude last night for the first time where I actually saw his face. He wasn't a baby though he was about 5 years old and was looking in a mirror. He did have some problems, but they were minor and I remember telling him how much I love him. He was cute too!!! He had spikey brown hair and light brown eyes. This experience was reassuring to me because I kept complaining to Mike telling him I just am not dreaming of Jude. Which is unusual to me because I dreamt of a little girl with Emily all the time. So who knows if that means anything, but it was an interesting dream.

I haven't felt him move like he normally does the last two days. In fact today I got worried so I drank a bottle of orange juice, and pushed my tummy around a bit. He finally kicked probably telling me to stop it because he was sleeping. I finally figured if I am really tired he must be too. Normally I wouldn't be to concerned especially since I am only 23 weeks, but I guess given the circumstances it's normal to worry.

I got a very inspirational email from a woman today that heard about my story. Her daughter had some serious issues in utero. She sent me her 8 month photo and she is a normal/happy little girl.

Well it's Friday and I am thrilled. I have a birthday party tonight which I am going to try to make, but honestly I am pooped! I kinda just want to curl up with Mike and sleep. We will see.

Ps. My ear is still ringing and I have officially gone crazy from it....in case you are wondering.

playoffs and normal lives

Well Emily's team won softball again tonight! They have now made it through the second round of playoffs. They played very well tonight, and I was very proud of them. Of course, I am also beat down tired since we got home at ten. Poor little Em will be tired as well tomorrow.

So I have been feeling a little guilty about being so self absorbed in my life lately. I am sure people get sick of hearing me talk about this issue....or not talk about it. I hope no one feels like I have just completely ignored them or anything. It's really not my intention at all. I am trying to deal with all this, and life in general the best I can. I guess the thought that I have been a less than adequate friend/family member was on my mind today.

Mike started painting Jude's room tonight and it's going to be CUTE. I am anxious to get it done and show everyone! Also one of my friends helping give our baby shower came to me in tears today. Of course the first thing out of my mouth was "no crying....no crying!!" hopefully it didn't offend her, which I doubt because she giggled and said, ok. Anyway, she asked me if it would be easier to have a small get together of close friends vs an actual shower until Jude makes it home (just in case). I thought about it, but replied that I want to keep things as normal as possible. I think Jude will be fine, and if he has special needs Mike and I will still raise him normal. He will not be taught he has a "disability". Plus the shower gives me something to really look forward to. She was very sweet, and they are planning away. So that made me a happy camper. They are very sweet!

Work is good too and let me say Mr. Tim has really come through. He has been a great and understanding boss during all this. Seems our lives are getting back to some normalcy and it is very nice.

I really do hope everyone has a wonderful week, and know I think about you guys and love you. I have not forgotten about anyone I promise!

Update Dr Moser

We went to the OB today. They did do the 4d sonogram per my request, but of course Jude was hanging out on his tummy again. So therefore, we didn't get to see a whole lot, but it was nice seeing him wiggle around. Dr Moser commented "This baby moves a lot!". We talked briefly about what Dr. Dooms office said, and what the neurosurgeon said. She agreed that there is just no way to know what the outcome will be until Jude is born. She compared it to children with spina bifida which she said can be very active in utero, and when they are born and the nerves are exposed they are paralyzed. So we will just have to wait and see. She did say she wanted us to go back to Dr. Doom at 24 weeks and 28 weeks. I just don't want to though. I understand she wants to see what she is dealing with, but honestly why does it matter? We are carrying him to term. Which we confirmed we will get to 37 weeks, and deliver by c-section. She said they will monitor Jude to make sure his lungs are fully developed before delivery. I go back and forth with emotions, and how to deal with them over all this. One moment I am super excited that we we are having a little baby. On the other hand I tell myself it's pretty realistic to think he is going to have issues ... even severe issues. It even sometimes feels weird celebrating with a shower, and such which I know is probably an odd thing for me to admit. I know people say you aren't suppose to think negatively.....power of positive thinking.....power of prayer and all, but I am human and those thoughts do cross my mind. A lot of people have told me they just wouldn't be able to handle a situation like this at all. I guess there are types that would freak. Being human though we have a way of just accepting the reality of situations, and being able to handle them. Is this situation fair? Of course it isn't, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone! Maybe I deal with things like this better because I have just had to deal my whole life. I have dealt with my mothers death, a boyfriend death, the grandparents that raised me, etc etc etc etc I could go on but it is useless. I have always figured life gives you two paths though, and it's not going to choose the right one for you. You have to have the sense and courage enough to travel down the right path. You cannot feel sorry for yourself or your life goes to crap! Who wants others feeling sorry for them all the time too? YUCK! I would rather people look at me as a strong person that can maneuver around obstacles or make the best of them anyway. This doesn't mean I don't hope and pray with all my might that Jude is normal. At least that he will be able to walk, talk, see, hear, etc. I would love to prove the MRI doctor wrong and show there is hope for these little babies!!! It also doesn't mean that I don't hope like anything we win the lottery to pay these medical bills that keep arriving in my mailbox. I am convinced there is an evil lil troll that inhabits the back of the mailbox and types these bills out on a daily bases to torture me :). Had to throw in some humor. Dr Moser was right though that Jude moves a lot. Last night we were sitting on the couch, and I pointed at my stomach where Jude was kicking so hard my shirt was moving. Mike got all excited that he could see him move. So I go back in two weeks to see Dr Moser again. We will see her every 2 weeks until Jude is born. It looks like his due date will be around 8/25 or 8/27.
Seems I have gained a little weight too......lol! Overall they said my weight gain has been good, but the scale was not my friend today people! I normally eat pretty healthy, and am pretty thin so this is awkward! I kinda walk like a penguin right now. I probably could join the cast of happy feet. Also realize that sometimes I am in a bad mood when people call me, but like I said before do not take it personally. It is NOT directed at you. In fact not to be rude, but I try to consider other people's feelings right now, but really my family and my emotional well being are what I am concentrating on. So please don't get upset. Sometimes I am just down and cannot help it, don't feel like talking so I say "check the blog", or sometimes I am happy.
Here are some pics of Jude, but they are kind of hard to see. They are of his arm (Mike said he was showing off his muscles), and his bottom (of course). He wouldn't give us a good face shot.





Mike picked up the paint for Jude's room yesterday and is very anxious to get started. I have such mixed emotions about preparing his room, but I am still under the belief he will be a miracle baby!

Bless Our Baby

I found this today online and I loved it. Very fitting on how I feel!

Bless Our Baby
Bless the sun and birds that fly,
That our eyes will never cry.
Bless the rain that comes in the fall,
That our child will be able to crawl
Bless the blossoms that bloom in spring,
That our child will be able to sing.
Bless the stories that I may tell,
That our child will hear them well.
Bless the wasps and honey bees,
That our child will be able to see.
Bless the colored leaves that fall,
That our child will grow nice and tall.
May God always bless our child dear,
That our child and us will always be near.

What if

Well it's another Monday, but I am not riddled with doctor appointments this week. I only have one and that is with Dr Moser on Wed. I am going to ask her to do the 4d sonogram we missed so I can see what Jude looks like. This weekend was finally a bit relaxful. Yesterday Mike and Em made me breakfast in bed for mothers day, I got cards, and then we went to babies r us to finish the registry. It made me feel good to do something for Jude. I got some tiny little clothes though with a gift card I received, and when I got home I told Mike I was afraid to open them. So they are sitting on his dresser. I hate feeling that way, but it's been a roller coaster so far. Mike and I did discuss how we are going to paint his room, and I even put his bedding on. Then I went and watched Extreme home makeover with Emily. We have a Sunday ritual of sitting down and watching that show together. If anyone saw it then you know the premise of the show was about a family who's father was in a horrible car wreck the same day his new daughter was born. He was actually carrying the family's two boys home when they were hit. The boys were fine, but the father suffered a severe head injury. The doctors said even if he did make it through the night he would never walk or talk again. Well he is walking with assistance, and talking. He has made a lot of progress! So like I have said in prior blogs the brain is a complicated organ. No one can ever accurately predict exactly what it's going to do. I guess you just have to do what that doctor told me. You have to think of the best and worst scenario, and let that guide you on your decision. In the shows case the woman decided not to turn off the life support, and believe in her husband. I guess we decided not to turn off Jude's life support and believe in him. Like the doctor said though if something is seriously wrong with Jude we cannot every look back and say, "what if". We won't anyway though. We will love him no matter how this pregnancy turns out.
Emily has softball playoffs this week. She is an excellent player, but it seems her team wasn't all that wonderful this year. They went from the champion team last year on coach pitch to their first time player pitching and it's been a struggle. Although, it seems they got the hang of it near the end of the season and have now made the playoffs. So my week nights this week will be spent at the ball field. I enjoy it though!

Saturday

We went to Emily's softball game today. I thought it was the last game, but it seems they won again and are now heading to playoffs. So we will be in playoff games starting on Monday night. Jude kicked up a storm at the actual game. Speaking of yesterday the sono dctr said they don't put much stock into the fetal movement because different waves, fluid, etc can cause the fetus to move. Um, he kicks and hard! I talked with Mike this morning and told him that I had not heard the term Microcephaly used with the baby until yesterday. They were telling us around 24 weeks he could start developing this. Which basically means the head is small because the brain doesn't develop right. I went to read on this and yet again it states "can be a normal functioning child or highly retarded". Sigh! Anyway, so far his head is the prefect size! So I am going to continue to think that this will be the overall outcome! I watched the little boys play at the park today at Emily's game and smiled. I hope we get to see our son playing in the park too!

Dr update

The doctor we saw today was very nice. It was Dr Doom's partner and he was very patient. He was also very straightforward. He said that Dr Twickler has never been wrong (she was the MRI dr), but my husbands point was how many of the aborted babies have they asked if they would have been ok. Hmmm he makes good points sometimes. Anyway, like I said before I prayed last night and said if I am suppose to keep this child keep the ventricles the same, or even show progress. If we are only going to have more heartache please let them increase in size. So doctor told us in our situation things can start looking like they are going downhill at 24 weeks. He also said they just don't know what the outcome will be in our situation. So he said the best thing to do was to think of the best and worst scenario, and based on that you make your decision. He said if you decide to terminate you just do it, and never look back (easier said than done). He said if you decide to keep the pregnancy then you march on, and at 28 weeks if you have severe brain damage you never look back either. So he then scanned the brain. He said the brain ventricles have not increased at all! He even said the left side was measuring 10-11 which means it could have gone down a bit. Also the cerebellum is now measuring 19 mm which means it has GROWN and almost caught up!!! In addition to that the skull has grown too and measuring right on at 21 weeks. The rest of him looks perfect. So what does this mean? It means he still has fluid on the brain but for the first time we actually HEARD the word progress. If this continues baby Jude has a shot at being ok! So our prayers now are to please let this progress continue. To please let the cortex start forming and fill in the parts of the brain instead of fluid filling in those parts. We still know there is a possibility Jude may have severe issues, but we will love him anyway. Thanks to every one's support.

D Day ~ This ones emotional people be prepared

So today is the big dctr appt and I am at work patiently (not) waiting on 2pm to roll around. Which means the appt is at 2pm, but we will get in about 3pm. Have I mentioned how I hate doctors that make you wait? So I am wondering which would have been better working today or sitting at home? They both sound terrible. So I am trying to keep myself occupied. I have done some work this morning, and now it's time to blog. Prior to blogging I checked my myspace and saw some inspirational messages of hope from people. I also saw a bulletin from a mother on one of my forums about how late abortion is a horrible thing. Sigh, I know she didn't think about it, but come on..........that's the worst thing I could have seen this morning! That's what termination is, and it's awful to even be in the position that you might have to consider something like that. You could tell there are probably pics on there too in between the text, but luckily I didn't see them. The text alone was horrible. I had to stop at the baby feels pain.....ARGH! I agree that aborting a healthy pregnancy 6 months along (like the lady she posted about) is probably the worst thing a human being could do. Although, until your in the position of deciding about a very unhealthy pregnancy, or termination you just don't understand. I PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I will NOT have to make that decision. I have even gone so far to pray to God that if Jude will suffer or have no quality of life to please take him now so I don't have to decide that. Until it's in your hands to wonder if it's fair that your child might never walk, talk, see, eat, feel, love, or have any emotion you don't understand. Until you have to wonder if he is in pain, but cannot tell you then you cannot understand. Until you realize it's a possibility your child will never take his first steps to you, see his first butterfly, or taste his first Popsicle YOU will NEVER understand! Until you have to deal with the fact that the baby you feel moving inside of you might not move on the outside YOU will never understand!!!!!! People feel certain ways about political statements until they are faced with the situation. Now don't get me wrong I understand the bulletin was about a different situation, but it still really got under my skin this morning. Mike and I both talked about if the horrible decision is made because Jude has severe and I mean severe brain damage then what if there are people picketing or something? I think Mike might really hurt them so let's hope that's not the case. I am not thinking that way though........well I try not to. I am human so to not let the thought even cross my mind is impossible. I still wonder why hospitals think it's ok to tell women that have unhealthy pregnancies they have to go to a clinic?!?! That may be something yours truly with the big mouth, and political backing may be fighting in the future. My emotions are very up and down today so just bear with me. I keep hearing the prayer going over and over in my head. "Dear Lord please let Jude's brain have healed, or at least show positive progress. If not please take him now and spare us anymore heartache.". I never thought I would pray for such a thing. Half of that horrible thought is if Jude should pass I could have him at the hospital and actually get to hold him before saying goodbye. Seems a lot more fair to me. I have hope though I really really DO!!! We went last Thursday and his head had increase some and his ventricles had stayed the same! So I am hoping for the same. I am hoping that is the case and then I am cutting these sonograms off because Jude is meant to be! I will enjoy the remaining 3 months and we will deal with whatever happens just happens. It's strange going through something like this. Your mind is split between medical reality and faith. You question science and you question religion. You question what is fair and life and why babies would even have issues. Is it just random chaos as Mike says? Is it natural selection? Is it the Devil? I have friends very close friends that most of my other friends have NO CLUE have lost a child. At least 4 close ones that I can name off (but wouldn't) that didn't just have miscarriages........they lost babies at 28-37 weeks. They had to go through the pain of labor knowing they were going to deliver a baby that had passed away. Why does this happen? Two of these cases there were no explanations. The baby was perfectly healthy and it was just a fluke. One had placenta abruption, and one she terminated due to a very unhealthy heart. So why? They were all good women who would have provided wonderful homes for children. They weren't drug dealers who would have ignored their baby to shoot up. I guess this is just the way the world works. It is this way with animals and I guess that includes us. I kinda need Mike today, but I know he is hurting too. I just want Dr Doom to turn into Dr Sunshine.
Jude is currently listening to Brandi Carlile. He seems to like her.......or hates her depending on what the kicks mean. I will post later this evening. Surely if we all pull together with positive thoughts and prayer there is a chance.

Update from neurosurgeon

Ok the neurosurgeon gave me three scenarios for tomorrow.

1. If the head had grown, but the ventricles haven't and there is no extra fluid around the brain that is a positive sign.

2. If the head has not grown, but the ventricles have plus there is fluid around the outside of the brain that is very bad.

3. If the head has grown, and the ventricles have grown, but there is no fluid on the outside of the brain then it's worrisome, but not as bad as the above.

Confused yet? I wrote it all down! Anyway, neurosurgeon is currently having the head radiologist view the MRI. He said that he doubts that he will say anything different except rebuttal what the other MRI dr said about the small cerrebellum and corpus callosum. Not that they aren't worrisome but that they are more worrisome if they are attributed to other defects and in this case they aren't. Which leads them to believe it's simply the pressure on the brain causing the size.

So we have something to go by.

Frustrated

I am a little frustrated today with the lack of data on our situation. We really have nothing to go off of from the doctors for comparisons. Although, I have found other women on a support forum that have had similar situations. In fact there is one woman who emailed me yesterday privately after reading my info. Her sons ventricles were the exact same measurements as Judes of 11+12. Her doctor was very supportive and said this happens ALL the time and not to panic. They did a few more sonograms and the ventricles actually increased, but went back down before delivery. She opted not have an MRI so there is no way to track if there were other issues that originally caused the problem. Although, her baby did have an issue with his foot. Anyway, he turned out fine! Was delivered early and is fine. So who knows!!!!!! I am sure there are cases where the babies don't turn out ok, but sure seems like I am getting people coming out of the woodwork telling me they had similar issues and all is ok. That includes a lot of women who's doctors gave them no hope at all. Like I said it's not that I am convinced all will be ok because I am not, but still there just isn't enough data!

Holy bad food batman

Ok so last night we went to Babe's with my family. Tonight I am fixing grilled chicken and veggies....I think it's needed. Once we got home I went upstairs with Mike. He played on the computer downloading songs while I watched American Idol. It was nice relax time and I didn't realize I was so tired. Anyway, I watched my poor Jason Castro get kicked off AI, but honestly I think he was thrilled. He is a brilliant musician, but is a little slow on answering questions and such isn't he? I really believe he will get a record contract though. So my top three wasn't far off I said David C (should win), David A, and Castro, but some how Syesha has snuck in there. Well Mike was putting lullaby's on my ipod while I was watching the show. I have been playing music during the day for the baby. I just take my ipod to work with me and put the headphones on my tummy. Some people say the music stimulates brain growth, but research actually shows it doesn't cause growth but does cause blood to rush to the cortex. Perfect! That's what we need. Plus, when I put the headphones on my stomach Jude goes crazy. Which is another indication to me that he can hear, and that is positive. So it seems you can get baby lullaby's from the music of the Beatles, The Cure, Bob Marley, etc.......YES! So Mike brought the ipod to me and made me listen to see if I could figure out the song before the baby heard it. Then I put the ipod on my tummy and Jude went crazy while Mike sat there with us. I believe Mike's been afraid to bond with Jude in case something should happen. Last night he talked to him and told him he was sorry he doubted he would be ok, and that he believed in him. It was very sweet, and I just hope it all turns out well tomorrow so he won't be let down. Mike said he thinks this is a true test of faith. He has wanted a child for so long and now he is being given one, but it may not be exactly what he wanted. He says he feels like someone is asking him "how bad do you want a child". So my brain is a little overwhelmed thinking about the re-scan tomorrow. On one hand I have a lot of faith that everything will be ok, and on another I dread the appt. We have pretty much decided that anything under 15mm on the brain ventricles we are going to term. So again lots of prayers, good thoughts, and such will help.

Wed 5/7

Well it's another day and another day at work, and let me tell you that I think I have already had to deal with my stupid issue of the day! My home office finally changed my log in/email/password, etc to my new last name. You know since I have only been married since OCTOBER!!!!!!! I mean we were rounding the corner for a year here. So they discontinued my old log in, and guess how they notified me they finally made the change? Email. BRILLIANT people just brilliant. So I asked the tech guy "Um exactly how did you think I could access my new email?" His response? "ummmmmm". So I have since gotten that cleared up only to find out I don't have access to billing, or claims, or well anything. It's great to be with a company for 13 years and hear "I am sorry I just don't see that persons name in our system".... sigh.........here's your sign tech people!
So while getting ready this morning Em and I talked a bit about Jude. I asked her if she understands that if we do have Jude that he could have some serious issues. She said "yes I understand, but he won't........I mean he will have problems but nothing serious. Like he will be slow in stuff like social studies and math." I asked her how she knew that and she just replied "Because I know." Hmmmmmmmm out of the mouths of babes I guess. Last week she did admit to me that she is worried if something happens to Jude I won't ever be the same again. Well I guess that's a fair assumption, but I assured her it would never affect our relationship. So I saw my family again last night like I said and my cousin tried to convince me the triple chocolate cake we shared for dessert would help build the baby's brain cortex. Not sure if that will work as good as the omega filled granola and yogart I had this morning, but it sounded good at the time :). So I guess just a few more days and we will see if his ventricles have increased or not. Hopefully, they are still the same!! Oh and I am not sure if I mentioned it, but my Aunt + grandma from Missouri are going with me to the re-scan. That makes me feel better since my aunt was in the medical profession for so long. All of my fam has really pulled together for me and I appreciate it so much. My sister brought us some dinner one night, Kay is always checking up, and everyone has just been very sweet. I also appreciate Sarah M fielding all the phone calls each day, and just love all my friends who have been so supportive. Whatever happens will happen and we will make it through this. If we go Friday and the ventricles have not increased and we continue on and get a special needs child then it was meant to be. I personally don't think I can find it within myself to terminate a child that might be ok.

Anyway, I am going to try to add some pics on this blog. I have heard it is reaching people that don't know me and that way you can put a face with a story.

Oh and if this ear doesn't STOP ringing I may go insane! Really I cannot take it anymore!

Somewhere over the rainbow

Well it's been an emotional day. After I posted the below I talked to my neurosurgeon and OB again. I had faxed the full MRI report to both of them. I also overnighted the MRI films to a pediatric radiologist at Cooks Children's who I will hear from tomorrow. Anyway, the neurosurgeon called back and said despite the small corpus callosum, and etc he still cannot give a definitive diagnosis. He said he is still optimistic that this could turn around....then he said it may not. My Ob said she agreed with the neurosurgeon. She also said she thought about me today. She had a lady from another country that was 20 weeks preg with a healthy girl come in today for a post check. Without my dr knowing she aborted the healthy pregnancy because it was a girl and not a boy. She said it happens all the time because they want boys. She said she has a hard time understanding why couples like us who would be so happy with a healthy baby are subjected to this. My dr also said she feels for us for getting different opinions from different places, but her honest opinion is the problem comes from the specialists just don't know the answer because this is so unusual. So we are still going with the rescan and then we will know. I talked with my family in depth tonight about everything. If something happens at birth to our children we will always be there for them. My Aunt is a nurse and said she dealt with severely affected children that were that way from birth and then kids that were in accidents that were that way after. Either way it's unfortunate but there is never a guarantee in life. This is not being emotional hanging on to a pregnancy and even DR Moser acknowledged that today. She said she thought I had a good head on my shoulders regarding all this, and that she would want facts too before any decision was made. Anyway, one thing my aunt said today that stuck with me. My cousin (who has been wonderful) asked her from her medical background which doctor would she trust more. She explained it would be the neurosurgeon that deals with these cases everyday. She stopped and said that she would trust me and my mom instinct more. She looked at me and said God is telling me what to do. I told her I wish he would speak louder because I cannot hear him! Well I got home and went to tuck Em in and she was sweet as usual. When leaving her room she goes "wait mommy...do you want to hear your favorite song?". I thought she was going to break out singing Phantom of the opera or something again and braced myself. She flipped up her jewelry box and it played "Somewhere over the rainbow" and INSTANTLY the words "God is talking to you ... listen" popped in my head it was INSTANT. She is right...that version by IZ (Israel Kamakawiwoole) is my favorite!!!! It is mixed with "What a Wonderful World". You have to understand that music has always spoken to me, and the Wizard of Oz love comes from when I was little. So you want to hear the lyrics? What do you think? lol! Made me smile.

When all the world is a hopeless jumble
And the raindrops tumble all around
Heaven opens a magic lane
When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your windowpane
To a place behind the sun
Just a step beyond the rain
Somewhere, over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I dreamed of
Once in a lullabye
Somewhere, over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Some day I'll wish upon a star
and wake up where the clouds are far
behind me
Where laughter falls like lemon drops away
above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere, over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
....
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=211669140

It's song #1.

It said a lot to me.

Encephalomalacia

Finally! I have a name for this issue. I got the full MRI report and the MRI dr said that she cannot give an absolute prognosis due to the gestational age, but Encephalomalacia what she sees happening. Basically, my understanding is this was a stroke that caused a degeneration of the brain tissue. Causes? Seems several things but could be a lack of blood flow to through the cord, or possible momo twin. Believe it or not the twin thing kinda makes sense. My hormone levels were more than tripling every 2 days at the beginning of this pregnancy. I also had a friend of some one's that works with police, etc as a psychic tell me about 6 weeks ago that "this is all due to a twin that absorbed". FREAKY...................FREAKY! Just was strange hearing that today!

Busy blogger

I am busy blogging today I guess. Probably because I feel rushed. I am beginning to get REALLY peeved with doctors offices today!!! I have no patience and have been pushed to the brink. First off I called the MRI this morning at 8:30 asking for a copy of my MRI report to be faxed. I explained that the neurosurgeon is waiting on it and I need to fax it. You think I have yet to see it??? It's been 4 hours I think that's enough time to punch in a fax number and press send! To top that off I called the perinatal office to talk to them about if they actually measured the cortex last Thursday. This seems to be the concerning issue so I wanted to make sure it was measured. The nurse wasn't sure so she spoke to the dr and he said there is no way they can measure the cortex on a sonogram machine. Ok, well the mri dr said you had all the necessary info to re-scan it. So how am I suppose to make a logical decision if you aren't measuring the most concerning ISSUE??????? Plus, I asked him to re-scan today and Friday so we can have even more info...no go! No wonder the neurologist said he is unsure why they didn't do two MRI'S. This is very very frustrating. I know I am rushed and angry but surely outsiders can understand this. Plus, getting through to a dctr is ridiculous. You know what if it makes me feel better having two scans this week prior to deciding termination then BY GOD they should do it. I am not a happy camper!

Ps

In addition to what I wrote below I had to add something. Regardless of anyone's religious beliefs reading this blog there are factors you have to take into consideration when have a child with special needs. I am sure people read this and let their own person beliefs take over. We live in a two story home (not wheelchair accessible), I work full time, and money would be a serious issue. As horrible as that sounds it's true. I would have to quit, we would have to move, and we may not be able to afford all he would need. Plus, you have to factor in quality of life. I have a DNR because I don't want to live as a vegetable my whole life. If I wouldn't want to then why would I be selfish enough to make my child? Then again as stated before this isn't a simple case. The doctors have FLAT out said by the time they know for sure it's to late. DR Twickler is painting a very bleak picture, but that is her job to be honest about what she knows. Then again the neurosurgeon stated this could just be a case of late brain development. Listen to it all though.....I mean listen. Cut the hope crap and listen........ "There is evidence of a prior brain bleed and fluid on the brain. There is also cortical thinning with a small cerebellum, and a small corpus callosum. All evidence of a brain not forming vs hydrocephalus keeping the brain from forming". Sounds terrible doesn't it? Also, a brain bleed could mean a prior stroke. Then again there is that lil thought in the back of your mind that the brain does amazing things isn't there? That the spirituality people have faith in can do amazing things right? Trust me I know because all these thoughts go through my head. Is it a blessing that we know there is an issue or a curse? I would have had NO idea about this with Emily............NONE! I had a 12 week, 16 week, and 20 week sonograms with her and all of Jude's have looked normal on the ob offices screen. In fact on the ob screen he still looks normal! In addition to that we have a normal amnio in hand! So with Em we would have had her and not realized something was wrong until she was born or until she wasn't reaching milestones (assuming there was an issue). I told my cousin I feel like I must be giving birth to the anti Christ, or maybe it's the person that will save the world?? Because something is working against me! So if we have him we have to think worse possible scenario and plan for it. If we terminate we also have to think I may never be able to have kids again. It's also a risky procedure for me personally. This is the biggest roller coaster I have ever been on and trust me people I have been on some doozie's. It's hard to describe how I feel especially to people that don't have children. I do know some people that are very close to their animals though. So when they say they just cannot comprehend I give them a horrible scenario. Imagine your dog is very very ill and suffering but the vet cannot put it down. Could you? Could you take it out back and kill it? Awful thought isn't it and awful comparison but it's how I feel. Sure if something happened to Mike or Em I would devout my life to taking care of them, but this situation is a bit different. Just confused. Oh and getting REALLY angry!!! How come a neurosurgeon who is in SURGERY at the moment had his assistant call me back already but the perinatal offices nurse can't yet? I mean come on!

Breakdown

Well I just dragged my butt out of bed. I am sitting here typing this in my robe, and I am not really wanting to go to work today. The idea of dealing with ridiculous questions today sounds horrible. I slept awful last night, and Mike said I was even talking in my sleep. Then this morning he calls and tells me his ex girlfriend had a baby last night. 7lbs 9 ounce baby girl. I am happy she is healthy though and mom is doing fine. Just sad and jealous I cannot get the same thing. She sent a pic of the dad and baby. I guess it set in last night that this is probably not going to have a favorable outcome. If your brain isn't forming right then how can you have any quality of life? I think I am the only woman that sits in her bed and prays to miscarry. Doesn't seem fair that I would be put in the position of deciding to end this life. Someone asked me yesterday how much longer I have. I have been reluctant to tell anyone my due date so I just muttered August. He said "wow not much longer huh?". No not much longer, but according to the doctors it's still "early". Sure doesn't seem that way. I almost want to tell the baby to stop kicking me and moving because that just makes me sad. I think I am breaking down and I am not sure what to do. I want to hide in my house I know that. Anyway, I am calling dr payne today to see if they did a re-scan of his cortex on Friday. If they didn't I want one TODAY! Dr Twickler said it should have been done and mama here is running out of patience quickly. If they seriously expect me to make a decision by Friday I want all the damn facts and in front of my face. I am sick of me having to chase the measurements and answers. It's like Mike said last night "I feel like that office wrote this baby off a long time ago". I kinda get the same feeling. I respect all these dctrs because this is what they do, but it would be nice to leave with measurements, etc written down each time. It gives us more data to go from, and makes it easier to convey to another dctr if need be. So we will see what they say today and then the re-scan on Friday. I guess miracles do happen and we could go in and be told that things are starting to turn around. I guess there is always that slight possibility. Then again they may not and then what do we do? Do we suffer through this pregnancy have a child that may never have quality of life? Do we wait and see? Do we terminate and never have anymore? grrrrrrr! Last night someone mentioned how karma works in the world. I have been trying to figure out what I did? Maybe it was not being as good as I could have been to my grandma? I took care of her for a long time, but we clashed a lot. She and my grandfather raised me from 14 on, but she and I were more like sisters. I tried though and was just a kid taking care of an elderly person....can God forgive that? Maybe it was breaking my ex husbands heart for leaving? He was a good guy, but I just felt ignored and not happy. Still it hurt him. Maybe it's something I said bad about someone at some point? I try to be a good person I really do! I try to always think of others and be there for people. Maybe it's not enough? Mike says it's just random chaos and the law of numbers. I guess maybe he is right. If 1 more person tells me that God won't give me more than I can handle though............well let's just say I wouldn't say that right now. I am done and this is more than I can handle!

Back to bad news

Gees, well Dr Twickler deflated my bubble I was in. I told her what the neurologist said and she said there is a pretty good indication to her this is just the brain not forming right. She said it was the enlarged ventricles, cortical thinning, small cerrebellum, and small corpus collasum. She didn't tell me about the corpus collasum before. So now I think am about out of hope and tired. I don't think I want to do this anymore. I am tired of feeling lost and confused. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have the squashed again. We are still suppose to have the re-scan Friday, but I am just so frustrated.

Monday 5/5

Well it's the beginning of another work week and let me tell you I have already had some doozie's this morning. First off I have a very HM customer who always emails me. I explained to her that I have a high risk pregnancy, and will be out a lot. I directed her to Sarah is I am not here. Well she called Friday insisting on knowing when I would be back. Sarah explained she could help her and not to worry. The woman refused to let Sarah help her. Anyway, so over the weekend she left a voice mail, emailed me, and FAXED me all telling me to call her (because 1 msg won't suffice). So I get in this morning and call her back thinking this must be a claims emergency or something. Nope, it was a payment.............sigh I told my boss I just don't have the patience right now. He laughed and said she is OCD. In addition I am the one that opens the mail each day. Well we had a horrible storm a week or two ago, and our time clock outside our office suffered from it. The poor clock got struck by lightening or something, and just isn't working right. We cannot find the cause so we have to call someone out. Although, we just sold our office so it isn't really our responsibility anymore. Well we got an anonymous letter today from someone that says "Dear Nationwide, to project yourself as a company that pays attention to details you need to fix your time clock outside. It's been broken for some time and that is a sign of laziness to me". Really???????? Do people have NOTHING better to do with their time? I mean is this the Zodiac sending us anonymous emails waiting to pounce on us when we walked out the door? Next we will get news clippings piecing the words together. Maybe, it's the random puker stirring up trouble. Anyway, at least I got a few giggles this morning.
Sarah, said I seem like I am doing better today. I am I think. I had a good weekend with my husband and we needed it. I guess we are also hanging on to the small glimmer of hope the neurosurgeon gave us. I found a lot of information to read on Vacou Hydrocephalus. Here is the definition:

hydrocephalus ex vacuo
Hydrocephalus due to loss or atrophy of brain tissue; less commonly associated with raised intracranial pressure.

So we really are at a loss of what to do. I think we are going ahead with this pregnancy though unless there is a massive change this Friday at the re-scan. It is a little nerve racking, but like I said before we never know when anything is going to happen to any of us. Oh and my kidney is better it seems. I have this constant ringing in my right ear that is driving me cuckooooooooooooooo! I am wondering if it isn't from the MRI. Other than that all is well!!!! Well except my cat is still meowing 24/7. I am thinking I may have to get rid of him which is sad, but can you imagine a newborn around meow meow meow 24/7??? He has his shots, been neutered, just went to the vet, been inside, been outside, etc. He just has a noise control problem. He is also a great mouser or hunter of bugs. Maybe he needs some land to wonder around on??

Sunday

Good evening everyone. So it was a relaxing weekend and we really needed it. Mike and I spent a lot of time together and it was wonderful! He even drove me all over the metroplex today so I could pick up some things I needed. I have a great husband!

I was checking the Vetricalmegaly site and saw a recent post from a woman that was encouraging. Now there have been a lot of women on there that have posted their babies measured large brain ventricles, and they resolved themselves in the third trimester. Although, as far as I know those women didn't have cortical thinning either. Although, several had not had MRI'S. Anyway, the above woman I mentioned was different. She stated her babies ventricles kept increasing in size all the way up to 20mm. She said when he was born they measured 15 mm, and he is currently a healthy 5 year old. She said he also didn't need to be shunted when he was born. That means this baby had VACO-hydrocephalus!!!!! She said he doesn't even have learning delays just a larger head. So at least that is a bit encouraging. I know it can go the other direction, but the more I find these stories the more I wonder if this new science (as the neuro called it) is trustworthy. I mean they have this science but they even say it's not 100%. I dunno.

Anyway, again it was a good and relaxful weekend. Tomorrow my family comes in from out of town and I am anxious to see them. My cousin went camping and I bet she needed the get away because I keep calling her crying. She has been a HUGE support though and I couldn't have made it through without her.