Mike has been rather bored at the nursing home. We have texted each other the better part of the night. Since he is always the comic he has sent me pictures of the tv, the toilet, and more, showing me that the nursing home is "pretty decent". Each time I received a new picture I laughed, and shared the picture with Emily. He also sent me a video of Jude trying to eat his Elmo doll. Jude seems to think that anything next to his mouth is food........including poor Elmo!! Little red Elmo didn't stand a chance.
Tonight while Em and I were at dinner there was an adorable baby girl next to us squealing her heart out. She kept trying to stand in her high chair, and her mom would tell her nicely to sit down. Emily pointed her out, and I smiled at her. I told Emily that I thought the baby defying her mother insisting to stand was cute, and I explained that she wasn't much older than Jude. With those words Emily seemed to realize that Jude's disabilities are really shining through. Jude's hands are clinched, his toes pointed, and his arms rigged. I am adamant on getting him into extra therapy next week. Anyway, when Emily looked at the little baby she smiled politely at her, and then twisted the pediatric stroke awareness bracelet on her arm. My girl seems to understand a lot.
So I would like to have an honest moment. I have struggled this week with baby items at my house. Jude is outgrowing so many things like his swing, clothes, and more. When Mike and I found out we were pregnant with Jude we talked about his future even before we knew his sex, and how we would have at least one more baby. I talked about how great it would be for siblings to grow up together. Now I stare at these items, and I know I should donate them to a better place, but I have a hard time parting with them. It's an end to an age of having children for me, and it's a heartbreak that I am not ready to face. I wanted one more child.......I wanted one more tiny baby to depend on me for a bit. Yet I am afraid to take the chance, even though the possibility of having another baby with a stroke is very minimal. The idea of bringing a baby into the world when we are financially strapped is not an option, and if we wait five years that might have consequences to. So I neatly pack Jude's clothes away. I have put his swing in the guest room, and I will eventually take it all to someone who needs it, and know I am doing what I should. There are many women in the world that want just one baby so I count myself very blessed. I have to beautiful children, each of which have taught me to appreciate life in different ways.
On a funny note, while writing this I worked myself up, and scared myself silly. I kept hearing something banging against my front door over and over. I texted Mike, "I am scared because something keeps hitting the door, the alarm is set, but I am still scared". He called me right away, and asked me what kind of noise I was hearing. I told him that it seemed to loud to be the cat, and I was unsure what to do. So with Mike on the phone I turned the alarm off, and opened the door. All Mike heard was (excuse the language people). "Holy shit you fat ass cat.....how could you even catch that thing?".
Our cat Scooter had caught a huge bird, and was throwing it against the door repeatedly. I guess he REALLY wanted me to come see what he had brought us, and wasn't giving up until I gave him recognition. I guess this was my gift for purchasing a new brand of cat food he liked??? Da** cat scared the heck out of me!!! He probably walked off muttering something about me being ungrateful under his breath.
8 comments:
OMG that cat story made me crack up!
Hi there. We made it to Florida and I am wired, so catching up on things in the middle of the night. That story made me laugh, too. And I was touched by the scene of you and Emily at the restaurant, watching that baby. Sabrina is growing increasingly aware of Max's challenges, too. Tonight she asked why he makes such a mess when he eats. Oh, and about having a third child? You know I still think about that, too. This is the year we have to decide. Anyway, I am glad you and Emily had a nice night together. AND I AM ECSTATIC that you got that extra insurance. Jude so deserves that help. It is awesome that you figured out how to move him up the list. Belated thanks for your words of support about Max's seizure. I was actually thinking of you that day. I was so traumatized by one seizure and I kept thinking of how you live with this and my heart went out to you.
OK, we'll be off on the cruise later today, take care of yourself and delicious little Jude.
FWIW, I don't think I will ever feel truly done having kids, and I will always be sad about not having more, and I have been blessed the world over by the ones I have. {{{Jenn}}
yeah...I'm cleaning out closets today...I still can't get rid of Kendall's newborn clothes. We are on the fence about another child too...I say pack the stuff up and put it in the attic. Or, just select a few things to keep and donate the rest. Good luck with that!
I am new to your blog..happend upon it on twitter (I think) Anyways..That cat, sounds like something my cat would do - they have brought us birds, lizards, bugs and even a (get this) a mouse.
I have to say you seem to be a very strong mommy Jude sounds like a wonderful little human that needs a lot of help and you are always there.
I can relate to you about what to do with his "baby" stuff and the dreams that you had for him when he was still a little blip on the sonogram machine. You see I had 2 children born within 10 months of each other that both died at birth. When I was pregnant with my son (the 1st) we were so excited we bought a crib, swing started buying diapers in all sizes everytime we went to the store (to stock up)(maybe the crib, swing and travel bassinet were a little early but you get so excited). Then at 19.5 weeks my son was born. I walked through the house looking at all of this stuff and thought "what am I going to do with all of this" I sold the diapers to a friend and gave the crib to my mom for my niece. The rest went into the garage for storage. Then an "oops" happend and I was prego with my daughter. We were more cautious this time around but darn it if she didn't come at 21.5 weeks. After she died I put everything deeper in storage. Not until 4 years later did I get up the courage to sell it all at a yard sale or donate to friends.
Hold on to that stuff as long as you need to. Your mom clock will tell you when it is time to move it out of the house.
I know this is a little downer but it is my life. You are lucky to have a beautiful little boy and girl.
Heather
Its funny Maura is now noticing that Finnian is very different to other 4 year olds she even said " Mammy if Finnian didn't have his stroke and his seizures would he be like that?"She didn't know anything other than Finnian her "baby" brother.
I woke up one morning to my cat tapping my face and looked there she was purring up a storm and a huge water bug hanging out of her mouth. But your cat is the best.
So sorry that the baby stuff is tugging at your heart strings. I figure we'll have at least one more baby, but it is still a scary proposition! Very interesting about the thing with the nursing home--I wonder if you can do that in Louisiana?
Jenn, when is anyone ever financially ready for another child???? We have five lol. You will find a way to provide for the next one like you have for Emily and Jude. Don't pack the clothes away yet....... God provides. You know this!
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