Saturday, May 9, 2009

A wedding with tears......

So last night I had a breakdown in public, and I feel so bad! It was just one of those days. When I got home the girls had been acting up so Mike was in a rotten mood. We then got in a huge fight which set my mood for the night. So we decided to go ahead, and go to the wedding reception we were invited to.

The bride looked beautiful, and everything was just gorgeous. I took a few pictures so I will post them on Monday. They also had a photo booth, and after Mike and I relaxed, ate, and had a glass of wine we enjoyed ourselves. I think the stress from the week just built up, and we needed some time away. I was so excited to see my friend Darla was there, and we girl chatted a bit.

Later that night they began to show a video of the couples actual wedding in Mexico (this was just their reception). I was watching the video of the couple so happy, looking beautiful, and enjoying their new family. Then there were some little kids playing around the water fountain right next to me during the video. The kids were yelling, running, and laughing. Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed and tears started stinging my eyes. I tried to hold them back but they just started falling. I also felt dizzy, and as if the world was vibrating around me. I quickly scooted myself outside so no one would see. Soon I recovered, and I brought myself back inside. Mike asked me if I was ready to go and I nodded. My friend Darla came to say her goodbyes, and she was so sweet. She said, "I read your blog everyday you are such an inspiration" and I burst into tears again. I tried to apologize, and I only got out "the video, it was the video". I felt terrible! I was the downer at the wedding, but luckily I was in the very back and only Darla saw me. We quickly left.

Once in the truck Mike asked me what was wrong. I explained I just got overwhelmed with all the happiness. I told him I was so happy for the couple so not to take things wrong. I also explained I was so ashamed that I let myself get down from watching others peoples beautiful children, and innocent lives. Their lives were untouched by any sadness, and I wouldn't want it any other way for them. I just felt envious for a second, because I wanted Jude to laugh, run, and play in the water. I just got overwhelmed..........I never get overwhelmed. I felt so bad....

I texted Darla on my way home with an explanation. She texted back there was no reason for apologies ever. You have to love her! She has been so supportive with everything that has happened in my life in the past year.

The wedding was gorgeous, and I am so glad we got out. Maybe I needed a flood of tears.........it relieved some stress. Jude had another seizure last night so I think regardless of the tiredness from the increase in meds he does need the higher dosage.

11 comments:

razzberry_girl said...

Jen, I have no idea what you feel but I think I kinda feel the opposite. I mean I read your blog and what it says and I get afraid that something like that can happen to me. I start thinking if I can deal with something so big like you are, and if I could deal with along my husband. Would I have the courage and strength to do it or would I just surrender? I get so afraid that nice people like you have problems that my problems seem tiny and insignificant and that I might have to face something so big one day and if I could. That overwhelms me all the time.

A Girl Named Me said...

Years ago, a friend got married. One of the last people into the church that evening was a very sweet older man whose wife of more than 30 years had recently died. He sat there, quietly crying through the entire ceremony. And, so what? He didn't try to hide his tears. People understood. The world didn't fall apart.

You're entitled to cry sometimes. You just are. It's part of being human - so congratulations on that ;)

Not sure how you came to follow me on Twitter. I ended up reading your entire blog over the span of about a week. You're so strong and I know you say it's because you have to be, not because you want to be. Whatever. You're so strong.

xoxo

tom the girl said...

I just recently came across your blog, and I can't stop reading. You are an amazing, strong woman, and you have a beautiful family. Little Jude is already a heartbreaker. =) Much love <3

jocalyn said...

Oh, Jennifer...I can so relate. But, we're only human. You have to let it out now and then. I've been told that feeling never goes away, but the episodes space out over time. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Hang in there...

Cjengo said...

Thank you guys for taking the time out to leave such nice comments. Darla had told me I was strong too, but I just didn't feel I was last night. Again, thanks!!!!

Ana said...

Hi Jen,
I have been reading your blog since December, however -- this is first time I comment. I left couple messages, blog and profile In Ventriculomegaly forum (under name Ana30), so you are probably familiar with my story (my son had stroke in uterus as well). I just like to tell you how you are strong and honest person. We are all human beings with human feelings and own reactions. I just adore your strength; many times when I read your update I,m thinking: I couldn't go through this, I just adore her and her way of dealing with it she is my hero. Just want to share my thoughts. YOU DEFINITELY DON'T NEED TO BE ASHAMED, YOU ARE GREAT, Remember we are all human beings.

Ellen said...

I know exactly what you were feeling. Exactly.

Bird said...

You know, it's OK to mourn the idea of the healthy child. Just remember that Jude himself won't know life any other way. Studies show that kids with disabilities are just as happy/unhappy as their typical contemporaries. I get tense and scared when i see other children Charlie's age--like I've done something WRONG and that's why he's disabled. I guess we have to cope the best we can. And i think it's always Ok to cry at a wedding--they're overwhelming.

Cjengo said...

Thank you for that. i always tell everyone that Jude seems so happy. I appreciate the comment.

Ana said...

Hi,
I wanted to add something else;
however my computer did silly thing and had post this message before I had time to edit.
I wanted to share this: Today in our church, I had opportunity to listen beautiful singing. Eight years old boy with severe disability, sing the song. He has difficulty walking and can't run. However his singing was something most beautiful I had ever heard. My boys will never be able sing like this. His mother was the most proud lady in today's church. This boy made me cry today.I just wanted to share this. Each baby is precious and has very special purpose in this life. Sorry for double posting, I just needed to share and tell you this.

Cjengo said...

Thank you Ana :)