Monday night

I had talked to Mike prior to leaving work, and we knew we had to go to the grocery store. It's one of those things that we have put off for so long that spider webs were forming in parts of our fridge. Not really... because sweet people have brought food by, but still we needed staples. We had put off the trip prior to this issue with Jude rearing it's ugly head so we had to go. It's like my eyes needing new contacts.......I am pretty sure my eyes my fuse to the contacts I have been wearing repetativley very soon..ha. So therefore, we departed in this cold weather with Em, Jude in a bundle, ourselves, and Ems sweet inseparable friend Addison. After shopping we had to take Em by gymnastics which lasts until 8:30, and then finally home. While being out and about tonight I reviewed the last weeks happenings. I began to rehash everything I could remember in my mind like an old black and white flicker film. I began remembering being short, or cross with people who were simply trying to help. I was even short today with someone asking me to go to a healer. So I composed a text message that I sent out as a mass text to everyone letting them know how sorry I was if I was ever rude to them in any way within the past week. I knew the apology wasn't necessary, but still I wanted to. I didn't really receive any texts back though and then I kinda sunk into my sadness again..........and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!! Maybe it's because I thought "Man I must have been a ....you know what". As my cousin says I put way to much thought into what others think.

When we got settled at home I sat with Jude cuddling him on the couch when suddenly he had another seizure. I saw his tiny little body jerking in the same direction. His head goes down, his mouth goes open, and his back arches. He never really complains, but you can tell he doesn't truly understand what is going on. Then for the first time I felt like handing him to Mike while exclaiming, I CAN'T DO THIS! I felt so out of control because I could not stop this tiny baby's pain and I could not understand WHY! Never have my life have I ever thought I ...CAN'T DO THIS. Those words have never been in my vocabulary. I was so positive today, and I plan to continue that way. Although, I felt like I let myself down a little and let Jude down too, by allowing myself to feel sadness. Earlier I even wrestled with myself on posting these thoughts because I knew that I would be ok in a few hours. Although, when initially starting this blog I promised I would be honest with every thought and feeling in case someone else needs guidance. So the reality is I am not always miss merry sunshine although I wish I could be. Sometimes I am just pissed off, and afraid! As I have stated before I am very aware that post partum is lurking behind my every step so I have to stay two steps ahead of it. Although i digress to Jude and the fact that I kept holding him as close as I could during the seizure while I watched Mike administer the sedative we use for the seizures. I watched how Mike can disconnect himself from the situation which is normally what the mom can do. For and instance I felt jealous of the fact he can do what I normally can, and grateful at the same time. I felt my gut wrenching inside of my body, and I quietly put my hand on Jude's chest feeling for his heartbeat. I watched him for over 20 minutes as the cluster seizures wreaked their havoc. After the seizure released it's grip Mike and I finished watching Heroes, and from there I went and bawled in the bath tub. I wanted to tell Mike how upset I was, but I knew he was hurting too. Plus, we want to only have faith in Jude at this point. This is NOT about me, or him so I cried to myself. I gathered myself up, and realized people are probably sick of hearing this babble hence the reason for the non response to my text. I mean GOOD grief people can only take so much. Then I read over some inspirational messages, looked at Jude's sweet face, tucked Emily tightly into her blanket that I just washed, and listened to some music. Now I am going to bed. Sorry to ramble, but it's needed I guess. Good night.

Here is some lyrics from one of my favorite singers kind of the way I feel tonight. Maybe a small message to my strong husband:


Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet and your day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I...Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke,
and you stood strong I think
I found a place where I feel I will...
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke,
and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough

Don't get me wrong I do not feel sorry for us. We are so happy to have Jude in our lives. Mike just came downstairs and said "babe are you still up??". Yep, but I am about to crawl into my warm bed feeling safe, and warm. That always makes a person feel better!!! Night.