I am at such a loss that I probably will update mostly tomorrow....but I wanted to put a small update tonight. Jude took his topamax tonight like a big boy!!! After the medication I noticed that he was actually tracking me with his eyes again, and looking directly at me while I held him. It even seemed he tried to have a seizure, but he couldn't and I was so thrilled. Right whenever I was carrying him to tell Mike all about my new discoveries Jude's head reared back, and he went into a major grand mal seizure. The tears flowed, and I was PISSED! There is really no other tactful word for it. I knew in my heart that any new medication takes time, but I was still mad. Maybe a build up of emotions?? I wanted to throw objects, break stuff, not go to work, and have a total melt down. I wouldn't do that though. So now you see....I am not as strong as you think I am. I was furious that people's lives move on.... that they can have parties, go for drinks, and have normal children. That people can enjoy their babies who are at 4-5 months learning to eat different foods, smiling, laughing, and enjoying their families. Then in the same instance I was happy they have those babies because I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this.
Then, I read an email from a dear friend that I don't even know personally regarding her grandbaby that had a stroke. He was born around the same time that Jude was, but her grandson is just now about to leave the hospital (hopefully). She told me he will leave with a trach, and that she is learning how to change it. She is taking CPR like we did, but she also is having to take ventilator courses. I then remembered myself, and I remembered that even in our situation we are still so .......... blessed. I realized she is blessed in her own way too with their tiny miracle who will be going home. I felt ashamed of myself for getting so upset.....truly ashamed!
This is hard people...........probably harder than I could ever put into words, and probably harder than I can communicate to my friends. The point of this blog though is that other people have harder situations. Someone elses story is ALWAYS worse than yours ( I always say that). I realize we all have people we should be thankful for....and I forgot for a moment...........I remember now. Good night!