Mike called me several times today because Jude was seizing. As stated before they (the doctors) decided to give Jude an extra dose of his phenobarb. Whenever I got home I saw the dark circles outlining Mikes eyes, and I knew it had been a rough day for him. I took the baby, and gave him a bath in the warm water while watching his adorable little smiles shine through his tired face. Suddenly I realized his tiny hands were turning a light shade of blue, and his little lip began to quiver. I quickly yelled and had Mike whisk him out of the tub into a warm towel, and into his pajamas. I then wrapped him in his fuzzy blue "thank heaven for little boys" blanket, and cuddled him very close. Emily herself had also taken a bath and had come downstairs, although rather than cuddling with me she wanted to cuddle with Jude. It seems I have been replaced (I am currently blinking blankly), but it's ok I am happy for that. It also seems that Mike sat down without my knowledge and had a long talk with my sweet Em. He told her that it's unfortunate, but with everything going on she was going to have to grow up a bit. I had a tendency to baby Emily, and therefore she had a tendency to act like one sometimes. He told her that it was time to follow through on rules, and complete her chores correctly rather than being told several times to complete them properly. Prior to knowing this conversation I noticed Em ate her entire dinner tonight without complaint, and then placed her plate in the dishwasher after washing it off. I was so impressed. I teach my child to do chores, but she did that one without being asked.........she grew up a little bit before my eyes. ** (Let me add a side note here because there was a question). Em is still very much a little girl, and I will keep her that way. I am just working with her on responsibility which has been a tiny issue with her at school too. I have been a bit overprotective and probably did to much for her. So she is simply learning to complete her tasks correctly. She is seeing a counselor, and so far is just as wonderful as she always has been.
So tonight Jude had yet another seizure, and Mike and I both acknowledged that it was longer and stronger than usual. We discussed driving to the ER, but Mike knew they would only be able to administer the klonnpin (sp?) just like we could. I felt tears streaming down my face again, and I controlled my sadness. It is NOT me going through these aggravating seizures it is Jude, and I let him have his time. I cradled him deep in my arms, and watched him ever so close. Mike is so good about talking to him during his seizures, but I am more of the non verbally communicative sort, and prefer to hold someone tight. It lasted awhile, but finally the seizure lost it's grip over Jude, and I then fed him some pedialyte to restore anything he lost. I looked deep into Jude's eyes and he looked at me, and suddenly I realized his eyes looked a little vacant and with that moment my heart sank. I looked at Mike without truly communicating my thoughts, and told him that I have realized that having these seizures already at 3 months is not an indication of a positive future. He knew what I was talking about.....it's just so early in his life. I thought of how I would ache if I lost Jude, and then I thought of how much I love him too and hate to see him suffer. I held him even closer, and I watched him slowly fall into a deep sleep. I then placed him into his bassinet, and then I headed upstairs to Emily's' room to double check on her. At the foot of her bed I found a sweet note in a child's handwriting that simply said "Mommy, I love you". I picked up the paper and wrote in a red marker "Emily I love you more" and left it in front of her door so it would be the first thing she saw in the morning. I am not writing this blog tonight expecting tears from anyone........ pick yourself up because we are OK! I am inspired from my tiny son, husband, and Emily. I can still see the passion in my husband, the empathy my daughter carries, and the inspiration lil Jude carries.
I stopped and thought today about when I was younger. As stated I have been through a lot of tragic situations that would have left a road of excuses for any time I wanted to deviate from the goal sat in front of me. I think I have done well....... except for finishing my degree. I love my job, and my boss, but I think I eventually want to obtain my degree. I may never leave his office, but I would be able to say I have a degree in psychology focusing on Child development. How fitting ......right? So once we make it past this financial crisis I plan on trying to finish if at all possible.
So I just left Mike upstairs after watching a movie, and allowed him to have some boy time playing his games. I am blogging, dealing with feelings, and listening to music..... of course. I am looking forward to next week. I am really working on making this an amazing Christmas for my kids with simple love, and happy thoughts. I am also looking forward to venturing towards Missouri to see my family, and having a chance to escape my current bubble containg a whirlwind of issues. I enjoy my family there, and I feel very close to them even though I don't see them all the time. It's different from any other trip I have taken there, but that's ok........it's just a new normal :).
Speaking of normal....I have never been one for fashion, fancy jewelry, etc but I am one for working out and looking good. I did that famous mom move where you grasp your face with your hand while looking in the mirror, and run it down your tired gaunt face thinking "What the hell happened here" tonight. Then you look down and realize the rest of your body isn't so gaunt it's a little fluffy...ha. Then I looked to the right and realized I will eventually find myself again, but right now I am lost in between a fuzzy blue blanket, and a hot pink one upstairs. I pray that Jude does not feel his seizures which I am sure he doesn't. He looks normal and smiles, then in an instant his eyes go blank and his head bobs, and in the next instant he smiles again. Emily's hurt on the other hand runs marathons along her sleeve. So we will deal with that too.
I had a quick story to share and then I will go. My friend Kel's son is very aware of our situation after visiting the Catholic store with Kel prior to the baptism. He overhead his mom telling the store clerk about our issue. He looked at his mom and said "Mommy, all Ms, Jennifer has to do is take baby Jude to the doctor". She appreciated his innocence and simply explained there are some things doctors cannot help. She then said, "some day God may want baby Jude to come to heaven with him". Her sons response?... A very worried "Well what's God going to do with baby Jude???". She told him "I think he will set him on his knee for him to look over all of us". I believe my baby will be healed, but I also have to give into the pain. I have to tell people that their stories of faith radiate through my heart, but the reality is I watch my baby writhing from issues with his body. I realize he is only three months which is early for seizures, and that ............ issues lurk around the corner. I will fight those issues, but they are reality.
Here is Jude's lil website that was set up. So sweet! http://forbabyjude.weebly.com/ Also I have links to other children's sites to the right of my page. I have really found inspiration through these other mothers.
Also, you can go here and light a candle for Jude. Just use the group name Jude.
ps ~ on a side funny note ...... um Sarah........I obviously did not steam the artichokes long enough..........YUCK! Remind me not to do that again......and the furry things at the bottom are gross ;)