Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A breakdown of sorts.....

Today my poor husband melted, and I am not sure how to put him together again. Sometimes I guess it's not in my hands to do that though. I had made many plans for Christmas including bustling Emily's between her blended families. We also had the trip to Missouri, visiting the parents, and all that normal hustle of the season. To me it's just another year with the normal holiday visits, and issues. It's also my fault because I can never say no, or know my limit...that's one of my weaknesses. I still love Christmas, but it always consists of a lot of time on the driving here and there. I don't think Mike could handle that this year, and that's understandable. This does not "feel" like Christmas to either one of us this year yet I know within my heart we have to make it Christmas. Not only for us but for Em, AND for Jude!! Mike is here everyday with Jude though seeing his seizures, and administering his medications. Any HONEST stay at home parent can tell you that staying even with a normal child without special needs all day everyday can sometimes get very tiring, and trying. Sure kids are a blessing from God, but if you walk into a 1st grade teachers classroom and ask her if she has trying days ......... she will look at you and say "seriously?". So all I can tell Mike is a quote from a song on this page "take it easy on yourself". He and my kids are always my top priority, but sometimes in the hustle of everyday life it doesn't seem that way to them. If it were up to me it would be myself here everyday tending to Jude's every need, but I hold the licenses and the health insurance. So I decided to cancel our trip to Missouri, and reorganized our holiday schedule to try to give all of us a little more "relax" room........which is needed.
Mike told me the other night that if anything ever happens to him he wants me to move on. He told me some more information, and I just touched him gently assuring him he isn't going anywhere. We all question our own mortality when faced with someone elses lingering possible untimely health issues. I remember reading a quote in the paper the day after Princess Diana died "We all question our own mortality the day a princess dies". True!! Anyway I told Mike "I wouldn't make it through this without you." He said "I know you will be fine because it isn't wired inside of you not to deal with things". That may seem true, but it isn't. I have just had a whole lot more thrown at me in life, but I break down I promise. I cry on the way home at night from work when it's dark outside, and no one can see my tears. I put on music that is meaningful to me.......and I cry.......I cry hard! I cry for what we have lost in Jude, I cry for being thankful for Jude, and I cry for Mike's hurt and Em's. I cry in the bath tub when I am "soaking" at night. I sometimes drink to much wine. I sometimes curse, and want to break things........but in the end I realize calmness is better. Then through my tears, anger, and frustration I remind myself how I truly feel blessed. I know that sounds strange......but I do. I have Jude.........many mothers lower their baby's tiny coffin into the ground before even being able to experience their child's personality. I have Jude, and Jude has us. When we are at our lowest points in our lives so many people have stepped forward for us...........US....our tiny family. My friend Sarah set up that fundraising dinner that she hasn't even officially gotten the word out on yet. Although she is calling me tonight telling me of donations for the silent auction from people I don't even know!!!!! Then Kim B and all the work she is doing......she is so sweet! I told them "I feel like Jimmy Stewart at the end of It's a Wonderful life when everyone comes to his aid and he realizes what life is about.........and that it's not so bad (while holding his little daughter)". It's not so bad.............I have a beautiful baby son that has special needs. It's hard to say "I have a child that will most likely be mentally challenged". I have a child that will be loved his entire life! Now that's the 100% for sure statement! Yep that statement will always be true no matter what Mri's may or may not say. We know looking back that Dr T was just trying to save us heartache, but given the diagnosis that your baby may just have dyslexia or may be profoundly retarded.......we would do it all over again.

So Mike ~ Babe.......... it may not be Zu Zu's petals but it's Ju Ju's petals and even though they are wilted a bit they are still there..........I love you very much! I always will.


Jennifer said...

PLEASE keep us posted on the dinner.

Cjengo said...

I will or she will. She is so sweet! It's a whole day long picnic with TONS of stuff for the kids, a silent auction, door prizes, and more. She is in there right now planning stuff, because for some reason we are working on Christmas Eve, and NO ONE IS CALLING. lol