Monday, December 8, 2008
I am sitting here staring at the screen but I am not sure what to write. I am not sure where to start or even all the terminology to use. I am currently watching Mike standing over Jude crying and telling him he is sorry. Jude had his MRI today, and was such a big boy he didn't even require sedation. He actually slept right through it. Later in the afternoon the doctor came in and we knew we he had a team behind him it wasn't good news. He said that it isn't just that Jude is missing his corpus callosum, or that his brain didn't fuse, or that he has a pocket of fluid in the back, or that his brain is a little smooth.......it's all of them. He gave us little hope. He said that Jude would probably never be normal and probably wouldn't live through early childhood. It was scary, horrible, and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to scoop him up, find Emily, and run home. I bawled, screamed, and cursed the prayers that haven't worked. I for the first time probably in my life lost it ... I hated everyone and everything...except my kids. I stayed in the room alone with the baby for awhile and made everyone wait outside while I held him. I cannot go into to much detail but I am just to tired. I can tell you that later on while walking through the hospital crying Mike ran into our neurosurgeon Dr Roberts. He asked why Mike was crying and he gave him the horrible diagnoses the neurologist gave us. He said not to give up hope yet. That he has worked in this field for a long time and sees a lot of unexplained things. He also said the fact he has the cognitive abilities he has is a good sign. So he is coming to see Jude and review the MRI tomorrow. Granted I highly doubt he thinks he will ever have a chance of being normal either BUT he may not think this is lethal. I just kept telling Mike I wanted my life to be normal again....it never will be! They just gave Jude his first dose of anti seizure medication which knock him out. He hated it so bad that he choked terribly several times. This last time was so bad that I felt I was going to pass out and I had to leave them room. I wish I had better news. I wish I had happy thoughts to share but I don't. I wish I knew what to do or what the future holds.