Emily and Jude

Emily rarely had people over to our house when Jude was alive. Since he was so ill I generally would tell Emily and her friends that they had to keep the noise down and I know that was difficult. She told me once that it was also sometimes difficult explaining to people Jude's situation and what all his medical equipment was for plus visitors could expose Jude to more illness. So it eventually morphed into Emily just not inviting people over.  Most days she would just stay home or just would venture out for awhile and get home before 11. She was always attentive to our need for sleep and our need for routine. So the other night she asked me if she could have a group of girls over to decorate overalls for the football games and I agreed. She took her friends up to the large empty room we now have above the garage. After about an hour I went up to see their progress and there in the room with all her friends Emily was laughing and having a good time. It made my heart happy but I knew we both would prefer to still be sitting on the old green couches, holding Jude, and laughing with his nurses. 

I told Mike I wish Jude was at the new house with us but he said that is impossible. He explained that Jude is like a comet that is amazingly bright but can only grace you with his presence for a short time. We have a few cries every now and then but then we take a few more steps forward. Emily inviting people over is a pretty big step forward. 

Mental Health Days

One of the most important things I believe a bereaved parent can learn is to step back and admit I just cannot adult today. Yesterday I took the day off work and it was needed. Throughout our lives as we face tragedies and losses we adults have a tendency to keep pushing forward. That's important but it's also important to allow yourself to have moments and to heal. So that's what I did yesterday and I may have to shut life off every now and then until we all get better and you know what? That's okay. 

Chandi at my work said she had someone tell her, " Well didn't they know Jude was sick? Isn't it easier." She said she was startled and then replied "NO it isn't easier. We are all dying but imagine losing your child." 

I had a dream about Jude which was exciting to me because I have not been dreaming of him. I remember he had on a white shirt and white shorts. His hair looked so perfect and I was so impressed at how perfectly styled it was. His teeth were no longer crooked from not eating and he made me feel so peaceful. I don't remember his words but I remember having that same soul reaching happiness around him that I always did. 

We are continuing to get settled into our new home. I am loving the land we sit on and how much peace it brings in the evening. I even have little chickens I tend to and they have brought me a lot of joy. They bring Leibe lots of excitement.........sigh we won't go there but overall it's been wonderful. 

Emily starts school on Monday and our lives will fall back into a normal pattern again. We have lots of last firsts coming up and I am going to enjoy every moment I have with Emily this year. 

An Update On Things You Learn

I did a blog on my experience regarding losing a child less than a month after losing Jude. I thought I would reflect back on that blog and discuss how our grief progressed. 

1. I don't really have the wind knocked out of me anymore when someone asks me how many children I have. I have learned to be honest and I say I have two children a daughter Emily and a son Jude that's in heaven. 

2. I still feel a bit lost and disconnected and I am sure that will continue for some time. 

3. I don't really feel like I am going crazy anymore. I guess that's because I fully grasp that this is a sad situation and I understand it's okay to feel lonely, overwhelming sadness, or desperation. 

4. I wasn't sleeping well after Jude died but I have begun to sleep again. However I wake up on cue around 3:15 like I used to when I would get up and check on him. 

5. I still feel panicked in public situations and somethings I do still feel like yelling but more over I tend to really observe my surroundings more. I really look at people and wonder what is going on their lives. 

6. I had mentioned that people make comparisons regarding their losses. I don't really get that anymore but I do understand that if I do it's because people have a natural reaction to want to identify to the situation and help remedy the problem. I just understand there is no remedy. 

7. Staying busy is still a very good resolution for times I feel very sad. With the new home we are constantly busy and rarely sit down at night until 9pm. 

8. Listening to people complain about trivial things still gets on my nerves but now I have a voice to speak up about it. I politely point out that life could be so much worse. I also have very little tolerance with anyone that lashes out against me right now and I almost find that unforgivable I don't care what the situation is. 

9. I had mentioned before that looking around our house makes me realize nothing will ever be the same. However now we have moved so of course it's really different. My doctor told me that child loss is like losing a limb. Eventually you begin to learn to laugh and move on with life but that life will never be the same as it was before. 

10. I mentioned that normal is questioning where we go when we die. I still think that's normal but I also believe that's where faith comes in. If we believe that we live good lives then we will be reunited with our loved ones. However a part of me also believe that you get back what you put into the world and if you don't put enough good in you just may be coming back to repeat it all over again. 

11.  I still have grief fog......bad. I can forget phone numbers that I just wrote down, I misplace things, I forget what Emily's told me constantly, and I walk away from my desk only to stop and wonder where I was going. If anything this is one situation that's gotten worse versus better. 

12. I loved my therapist that I mentioned cried with me but I moved on to a certified grief counselor. I don't see him often but when I do he helps. 

13. I am no longer annoyed at every single thing and I can get out of bed but I still have little patience for drama. 

14. I still rotate through the stages of grief quickly but it's slowed down some. 

15. I still have panic attacks thinking about holidays approaching but it's only been 4 months. Jude's birthday is coming up so I did take some measures to insure my emotional stability and those around me. I am taking the day off work on his actual birthday 9/2. My boss was very understanding and I had the hours left. I also set up an event at our new home on 8/27. Friends and family will be coming to see the new home and paint rocks in Jude's memory for our surrounding gardens. 

16. I still realize there is no reasoning surrounding the loss of a child or a child being sick. Knowing he is in heaven doesn't help, knowing he is out of pain doesn't help, knowing I will see him again doesn't help. However the very fact I did have him was a blessing. 

17. I still cannot do hospital settings or funerals and that may be a long time issue. 

18. I realize people grieve differently even more. I tend to be very vocal about how I am feeling. I hide my tears frequently but I do speak up if I am having a bad day. Emily is more quiet and you wouldn't even know she was grieving until you ask her a question or notice something she did. Yesterday I walked past her hanging calendar in her room and written on 9/2 was "Jude's Birthday!!!" Mike is still grieving but he has a very take charge attitude now of the situation. He says he made a promise to Jude and each day he lives his life is another step closer to seeing him again. 

19. Being the member of various support forums I still see new members starting to join. I can see the shock in their posts and the anguish in the heartache and I feel so terrible for them. However it's like kindred spirits working through this turmoil together. 

20. You still just learn to cope and others around you learn to cope. You keep moving forward the best you can with those that truly love you around you. You realize others lives go back to normal as the Facebook profiles change back to normal pictures and life begin to march on. So you decide to keep up or fall to the side. I know Jude would want us to keep up. I know everyone around us is grieving for Jude too and we love you for loving him. 

21. I also learned that fighting with insurance doesn't end when your child passes. es. 

I guess I will keep updating these as the year goes by. Jude's headstone should be in soon and I am anxious to see it. The cemetery feels so empty right now so I have been waiting to go see him again when the stone arrives.  We still miss his nurses dearly and are looking forward to the event at our house to get to see them. Sweet Allen texts me every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday on cue when he would normally arrive, "morning glory." What a fabulous man he is. Charlotte send me a text this week of a photo from Jude's grave while she was visiting. Candice is still on my Facebook and we laugh at each others posts sometimes. I miss you guys! Love to you. 

The Car Seat

I am having my car detailed today because I need to trade it in. Jude's car seat is still strapped into his spot in my car and I have not been able to take it out. I was able to box up all of Jude's other items or donate them but I couldn't part with the car seat for some reason. So today the gentlemen cleaning the vehicle explained that they have to have my permission to remove the seat to shampoo the seat properly. I explained the situation and asked them not to strap it back in. Hard day.........just a hard day. 

I haven't felt well lately. I have been late a couple of times to work but Chandi my co-worker is always more than sweet and understanding. She said this will probably continue to happen for awhile until enough time passes that the situation becomes easier to handle. It's nice having people around me that are so understanding. She seems to have a great grip on what it's like to lose a child. She had a fiance that passed away suddenly and she was very close to his mother. She said she watched her go through the grief and understands it's not a quick process. Many of the stories she tells me about his mother I can relate to. 

The house is unpacked and organized which is a relief. We are also working on our new projects which helps keep us busy. When I get home I don't tend to sit down until about 9 each night which is a good thing. 

Emily is starting her college visits today. I cannot believe she will be a senior this year. I am sad she will be leaving home but I am very proud of her! 

A quick update

Well the closing has not gone off without a hitch. We were able to move into the house but our buyers buyer had a problem with getting their appraisal back on time. So we are in the house waiting for final confirmation of a close date which we believe will be tomorrow. We also got to the house and our fridge didn't fit and now Emily froze up her ac unit upstairs. So my stress level has not gone down. I also witnessed a horrific accident this morning which pretty much left me teetering on the edge. I had a particularly hard night last night thinking of Jude so I am sure that's why my anxiety is so peaked today. This started because I finally sat down and realized that even though we are in a new place my feelings aren't any better because I still miss him greatly. I know that with each passing day things will begin to get better. 

The good news is that Mike is doing better and said he is moving forward. He thinks that each day he lives happily is another day closer to seeing Jude again. He said he wants to make sure he does everything right in this world because he doesn't want to come back and repeat everything again due to mistakes. He believes there are lots of people he has met that will be suffering through this life again. I think that's an interesting concept. What if hell is actually having to come back and re-do everything versus spending eternity with your loved ones in Heaven? Makes you think doesn't it? Although life is beautiful it's not heaven. 

The positive is that I am nearing completion of the unpacking. As soon as we close I can start working on items and projects around the house. I know this will keep my mind busy and that's what I need right now. 

It Just Hits You Like WHAM!

I had a nice lady in a loss group share a post about losing her special needs child. She included the following sentence. 

"You become a "doctor", a "pharmacist", a "lawyer", an "advocate", an "educator", and some people's worst nightmare (Mama Bear doesn't even begin to cover it)! Almost every single waking moment is focused on this child."

She is right and she expressed that in the most perfect way and I can feel the emotions in her sentences. She feels a bit lost since she doesn't have her person to care for anymore and I relate to her feelings. Our move is going through and I am packing up the last of the items I need to put into boxes. As I finished some packing and exited Jude's room last night I once again had tears streaming down my face. Mike stopped and asked me what was wrong and I told him I hate packing. I explained that every time I pack I encounter another reminder of our loss and this time it was a simple medical tag hanging on Jude's shelf. I have no doubt the amazing nurse Charlotte hung it there for easy access for deliveries. He chuckled and I know it wasn't to make fun of me in any manner. He simple said, "a tag makes you cry but you can look at pictures each day? The pictures stab me in the heart." It's the little things that get me for some reason. The tiny little Ninjas waiting around the corner like the talking Scout toy that was stacked in numbers at Wal Mart. For some reason the little things you don't think about on a daily basis are the hardest for me to deal with.  I had to get a crib sheet today and walking into Babies are Us was like walking through a haunted house. Around every corner was a reminder of Jude, a little boy his age, or something he would never get the opportunity to use. I almost felt like Jude was there for a bit just guiding me through the store to find what I needed and guiding me gently out. So I fluctuate between having good moments and not so great moments but if the good outweighs the bad then I think I am making progress. 

I do tend to struggle if I am faced with stressful situations. They are not as easy to handle as they used to be and weigh heavier on my shoulders. At times I feel like I cannot handle any type of stress and throw my hands up and walk away. It's just how it is right now and how it may continue to be for a long time. 

So I am mixed on my feelings about our move this weekend. I am sure I will shed tears but I have lots of friends coming to help and lots of family. I know I will have many shoulders to lean on and so will Emily and Mike. I know in the end this move will be a positive change. 

Have You Checked Your Check Engine Light?

I am currently learning about personal boundaries and how to improve my life. I didn't write this to call anyone out but rather I am writing this to share what I have learned and maybe help someone else going through grief. I found this quote on one of the informational sites I have been reading and it resonated with me. 

“You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough that you have to.” ~Unknown

I want you to imagine having an injury that has affected a nerve in your body. That nerve is frayed, sensitive, and every time it's touched a shock of intense unbearable pain runs through your body. That's how my grief is right now. It's new, it's fresh, and my emotions are at their very peak. So anything even trivial can become a very big deal in my little world. On Saturday I had a terrible experience when I went to the movies with my family. I had a situation/argument escalate out of control. Because I didn't lay the groundwork for the foundation I needed for my boundaries I was enveloped in drama. I wound up on the side of the building bawling while my family sat inside. My husband eventually found me and although comforted me he also scolded me for allowing my emotions to escalate the way they did. That's right I allowed it. It wasn't anyone else fault that I allowed the situation to exhaust me and take over. I allowed an outside situation to ruin the evening with my family and they suffered for it. 

I read an article about checking your own personal engine lights and I found it fascinating. If you are in a situation that is not desirable then ask yourself what's causing the issue. Is the person draining? Are you draining? Is the situation worth losing a relationship? Is it worth losing yourself? What lights are going off on your personal dashboard and are you ignoring them? When we don't check our engine lights and find the root cause of the issue then we are just giving away wasted energy. I was not checking my own personal engine lights and because of that I was suffering from anxiety and over emotional responses. I wasted energy I could use to heal my heart from losing Jude and energy that I could use to mend my family who has suffered so much over the past year. 

My husband is an expert at setting and maintaining boundaries both personal and professional. He will warn anyone that begins to cross the line with him but if they keep crossing they get bitten (metaphorically speaking of course). I am not good at this and never have been. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it has cost me severely. I am not good at being assertive, I fear people's responses, and I care to much about what others think. I do this in my professional life and in my personal life. However with Jude's situation I did get a bit better about saying "no."  One of the number one complaints I read in my loss forum is the parent who lost the child feeling people are crossing their personal property line. They want to throw up a no trespassing sign but they feel guilty or afraid to do so. So how to we implement a no trespassing sign in times of grief in a way that we don't hurt the other party?  I learned to have compassion for the others and understand they have feelings too. Then firmly and respectfully set your boundary and their response is not your responsibility. All you can do is take care of yourself. I learned if you do this both professionally and personally then your life, emotional state, and physical state improves. So that's my quest to follow this program. 

Moving Forward

I had a moment this weekend in a movie where I started to cry a bit. We went to see Tarzan and there is a scene where the mother Gorilla lifts Tarzan up and cradles him like a baby even though you can see he is much older and a full size child. His feet extended far beyond her lap but it didn't keep her from cradling him. I thought of Jude and how I held him at night and I shed a few tears but then I remembered how wonderful it felt to hold him. How incredibly lucky am I that I had such a wonderful experience in my lifetime. I had a baby for almost eight years who loved his mother with every ounce of love he had. He was purely innocent. 

Jude just had a sweet presence about him and a look in his eye. 

He liked to tuck his little bottom lip in when he was thinking about something important. 

and dart his little eyes when he was being cute. 

and he was always sweet even when he didn't feel well. 

I have mentioned we should all strive to be like Jude but I have to strive to be like him as well. Jude never got angry over insignificant matters and in the grand scheme of things every single item but our loved ones lives is insignificant. Without our loved ones our lives just don't matter much because if you think about it we live to be loved and give love.  If Jude was ever angry it's because he was physically hurting. I wonder if we all decided to refrain from getting angry unless we were physically hurt what would happen. I understand that is impossible but I still wonder. 

I remember sitting in the hospital room with Jude feeling honored I could be by his side but crying when he hurt. It was an honor just to hold him and be with him for comfort. I miss being with him but I don't miss him hurting and I know he is no longer in pain. Jude taught me a lot including letting go of the past and this weekend I did a lot of letting go. Nothing will bring Jude back and that's hard to take. Nothing will bring anyone back that I have lost throughout my life so I plan to keep their memory safe in my heart and move forward the best I can. 

Our closing on our new home Has been delayed. We are requesting some prayers that we close by Thursday because we really need possession by Friday. If we don't obtain possession it's going to be a MESS for me to clean up in regards to utilities and moving companies. I would for once like things to be..........smooth. 

I miss Jude

Today is a hard day. The tears keep flowing. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and my stomach hurts. I keep thinking of his tiny little body fighting so very hard until it just couldn't fight anymore. 

It's just one of those days. I realize Jude will not be coming with us on our move and I think it's started a chain of emotions. 

I just miss him. I love you Jude. 

Being positive

I have tried something new this week and some of you may think I am being ridiculous but I wanted to make an effort. I wanted to work on being more positive as my small change in the world. 

I have worked on keeping my head up and smiling at everyone I pass. I have noticed how smiling is contagious(thank you Elf) and how people really do brighten when you extend them kindness. 

I have taken the time to watch the funeral processions for the Dallas police officers and joined in placing my hand over my heart. I said prayers for the families of the fallen and asked God to touch them with grace and comfort. 

I have reached out to a few friends just to tell them hello and see how their day is going. 

I have laughed at everyone playing PokeMon go. Rather than seeing the negative in the game I saw the positive. I saw people exercising, having fun with their families, and spending quality time with people. I left the negativity up to others and said some prayers that those playing would be safe and respectful while gaming.

I loved seeing George Bush dancing at the memorial in Dallas because in Texas we like to cerebrate ones life.  I again left the negativity up to the internet. 

I took the time to watch a movie last night with my amazing daughter. We chose "Miracles From Heaven" and I bawled when I saw the NG tube, the feeding pumps, and the hospital stays. I took the time to look the family up and realize they are from a city very close to me. So I decided to follow the mother Christy Beam on facebook to read her uplifting faithful posts. When my husband asked why God chose to heal their child and not ours I pointed out our child did amazing things because he couldn't speak and because he lost his life. I concentrated on believing in faith and love. 

When someone driving abruptly turned in front of me without a signal today I took a breath and calmed myself. I realized that maybe their blinker was out and they didn't have time to fix it. 

When a woman called my office grumpy and irritated this week I tried to remind myself I don't know what's going on in her life. She may be lacking sleep from caring for a very ill child. 

Instead of judging and making assumptions about another's life I decided to just stop and step back. I decided to write yesterdays blog and I felt good after doing it. 

I just stopped and decided to do my best to be positive with whatever situation was presented to me. Before I respond to someone I asked myself if my words would have a meaningful impact and if they were worth saying. 

I think it's been a decent week. 

We Just Need More Love

 It's obvious I have a lot going on in my life both emotionally and physically right now. Because of that I tend to shy away from other people's life tribulations although I try to still lend moral support. However I have come to the conclusion that not speaking up about specific situations can have negative ramifications on those closest to us. I believe this is true regarding anything in life even the political situations that surround our very world today.  Often people don't want conflict so they keep their opinions to themselves and shy away from any type of backlash. From my Facebook you can tell I don't hold back on personal opinions yet I have in specific situations surrounding those close to me I need to speak up. I guess I just had to much on my plate and like I always say, "Not my circus no my monkeys." but in this situation I feel compelled to post something. 

I have a couple that is very close to me going through a divorce. It breaks my heart because I love them both so dearly. I have been in a divorce situation and it was very difficult and it took a long time to recover from.  I was married to an amazing man who was kind, generous, and made good money. However we had grown apart and he was more like my brother than my husband so I decided to divorce him. It was not mutual he did not want a divorce and it broke my heart seeing him hurt. I received the "look", the whispers, and the judgments from others. Many people made assumptions about the divorce, the money, and the decisions without knowing a thing about what was really going on. The assumptions are what bothered me the most yet I kept my mouth closed and knew in the end everyone would see the truth. Now 12 years later my amazing ex and I have a still fabulous relationship and with Mike we are an amazing triple parenting unit to Emily. I knew it would be this way, I had no doubts. I knew the judgmental remarks we received would become words of praise and they did. 

Here is the reality of the world we live in, you are allowed to have your own opinion. However when you take that opinion and spread it to others in a derogatory manner you hurt not only yourself but those around you. Everyone is allowed to have concerns about someone they care for but when you mix those concerns with assumptions then you create chaos. I have had more than one person tell me things about this divorce that flat our aren't true. I could have spoken up but I figured it would just feed the chaos. Generally I simply just ask "Is anything you are feeling or doing going to change the outcome of this situation? No then why worry about something you cannot control."

I choose to just love them both. I choose kindness in general because our world needs more of it. We need less judgement, less gossip, and more love! I am not saying we shouldn't be concerned for others but if we have questions then why not just ask them?? Why not get clarifications before rushing to judgement. I think it's very easy for us humans to look in on someone's life and draw conclusions but taking a mirror out and facing our own demons are so much harder. Also if you think this blog is about you then you need to step back and realize it's about us as a group and not to take offense because we all just need more love in the world. I will leave you with a part of the speech that President Bush gave yesterday here in Dallas, "Too often we judge other groups by their worst examples, while judging ourselves by our best intentions."

How true is that?

How we handle questions

Yesterday was an interesting day. We had three incidents where people were asking questions that we couldn't avoid discussing Jude and his passing. I love talking about Jude but I know it can upset people making them feel they intruded on our life by asking questions, but that's far from the truth. The first were people that were picking up our dining room table I sold them. Super sweet couple who were asking where we were moving, why we were moving, etc. I eventually told them about Jude but they took it very well.

The second was a lady at the furniture store. She noticed the relationship between Mike and Emily and asked me if she was my only child. He explained I had a son and left it at that but she asked if he was as handsome as Emily is. I replied yes and then she asked another question and I replied, "I am afraid we lost him three months ago." She looked at me and said, "have you ever asked a question you regretted." I couldn't help but smile and thank her for her response. She then asked me about Jude and I happily told her about his amazing life. She looked at me and made a comment about all the hate in the world and what an amazing story. I then told her, "my son fought a battle everyday of his life but he did it with a smile. There was no anger like what we are seeing in the world just innocence and love. He can teach us all." She started crying and hugged me tight. She was a neat lady. 

The third encounter happened to Emily. We were buying a pillow for her new room and again our family was joking around with each other. The sales associate asked Emily if she was the only child. You have to know Emily, she is quiet. She has also had a difficult time lately with anything that involves public speaking about her brother. She just missed a function that is dear to her heart because of high anxiety about the situation that made her physically ill. I know people don't understand but I will have to rely on faith they will eventually. Anyway I was impressed when Emily replied, "No I have a little brother." The sales associate kept asking questions and I acted like I was looking at something while I listened. I heard Emily explain Jude had passed and the sales associate extended how sorry she was. Emily replied, "Don't be. He brought us lots of smiles and happiness." WHOA! I was proud. 

Emily is about to start talking to her interview/mental management coach and I know she will help her in regards to how to speak about Jude. It's a tough situation but each day gets a little easier for us and I think I am to the point that I enjoy sharing Jude's story. You may see us cry when we talk about him but we like to share Jude. We want to share his legacy. 

Packing is still hard, Moving, and Dallas

We got a lot of our house packed today and a lot of the rooms cleared out. I have had to start packing weeks in advance for multiple reasons. Primarily it's because packing is very difficult. As mentioned before I encounter many of Jude's memories and it's emotionally taxing. After clearing a closet I have to take a break to recover. However I think of that as a positive that I know what I need to do to make sure that during this process I am emotionally stable. I am also not really leaving my house during this process and hopefully people understand. Today while packing the Emily's Smile Box room I opened a box I had forgotten I placed in their temporarily. It was full of the decorations I had used in Jude's room before he went on hospice. I gave a little gasp and a few escaping tears. Then like right on cue Somewhere Over The Rainbow started on the radio. Gina was helping me pack and we both smiled even she noticed it was like a sign. She told me "Jude is telling you his is okay mommy."

As many of you know I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex.  I am appalled at the massacre that happened in my hometown the other night and I am praying for all those involved. I was also appalled at the MN incident and the young man that lost his life. I pray for peace and for unity throughout our country. Unfortunately, I grew up in a very race conscience society and I was determined that my child would not grow up seeing color. Emily had babydolls and Barbies of every beautiful race and she was taught everyone deserves kindness and equality. I don't know what the cure is for our country so I just choose to take my lessons from Jude. I will choose to be kind and to love others.  To hold my head up and smile at everyone I see and only pour out love because love overcomes darkness. Maybe may way seems ridiculous but all I have is my voice and my heart so I will speak up and reach out.  All we can do is try to make the world better.

Complicated grief and the book cover

I have touched on the subjects before that I am going to talk about today. The thoughts on this blog are strictly my own and anyone that reads this has a right to disagree with them. There are two areas I have talked about that I am going to list out. 

1. There is a stigma in America regarding mental health. People don't like to discuss mental health, people don't like to discuss grief, and many issues in modern day society are still swept under the rug. 

2. Special needs parents are not superhero's. We are simply parents that have been faced with a tragic situation that do what we can to properly care for our children to the best of our abilities. We still fall, we still cry, and we still need help sometimes. 

I switched from seeing the counselor I was going to when Jude was ill to a certified grief doctor. Today we had a very good discussion and I am very in tune with the  level of care this individual provides. He said if grief lasts longer than 6 months the official diagnosis is complicated grief. He believes he is already seeing some of this in me and has started treating me for it. So what is complicated grief? It is not depression although that can sometimes present with it. Depression is a clinical situation that presents in the brain. Complicated Grief is someone who is having issues with the natural healing process. 

"The main symptoms of complicated grief are yearning, longing and frequent thoughts of the person who died. They typically retain a strong interest in a deceased loved one and experience positive emotions when they think about that person; all of their negative emotions are sharply focused on the circumstances or consequences of the death."

The doctor was very kind and has also lost a special needs child. He explained that putting a limitation on grief when it's a child or a partner is rather ridiculous. He knows you never get over the grief but there is a way to help change your thoughts to help you process the situation in a healthy manner. 

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."
~Dr. Earl A. Grollman 

After an evaluation he discovered I was having bad days laced with sporadic good days which he said is big positive. It shows my mind has the capability of being able to move forward. So we did some exercises to help with this process. One included finding out the feeling I miss most that I experienced with Jude and reconnecting to that feeling. Oddly enough that feeling was comfort. I missed being able to comfort him and the comfort he brought me when I held him in my arms after a long day at work. My worry about him was eased as soon as I walked through the door and held him in my arms. 

I have no doubt my husband is knee deep in complicated grief and is having a very difficult time with it. Maybe I can show him some of the techniques I am learning. I realize none of this will ever bring Jude back but I do realize Jude wouldn't want us upset or angry. I keep repeating this to myself as I walk through this difficult path. I know in time my blog will once again discuss happy moments and amazing memories but this just takes some time to process. 

Why do I talk about all this? My inner most personal experiences? Because I promised to do it for Jude. From the start of this blog I promised to be open and honest. People need to know it's okay to seek help, it's normal to feel despair, and it's okay to cry. 

On a good note I have the cover of Jude's book and the website we will be working with. It will be fine tuned with a book trailer and more in the upcoming future but you can see the cover now. I am proud that Jude will spread so much happiness through his smile and stroke awareness to others. http://www.diaryofbabystroke.com/

Packing Is Hard

Although I am grateful we found the perfect home to move to packing this house has been so difficult. Today has been physically and emotionally draining as I packed one memory after another of Jude. From his Halloween costumes, to school work, to birthday cards. I haven't cried like this since the day Jude died. Also our fence blew down in the storm so we will be cancelling all our plans for the fourth and hopefully people understand.

It will get better but right now it's a hard day. Hard days are allowed.

A Little Place In The Woods

Just a little while ago I was sitting at my desk at work and I thought to myself I needed to call and check on Jude. I literally went to pick up my phone then stopped when I remembered. Little things like that happen all the time and it can take your breath away. I have started cleaning out and packing our house and I passed through Jude's room last night stopping to smell his T Shirts. Sometimes I can still pick up a faint sweet aroma that used to encompass Jude, it makes me smile and cry all at the same time. 

We have finally found a home and we will be moving the last weekend in July. We are praying the appraisals go well on our home, the home we are buying, and that closing flows smoothly. I am doing everything on my part to make sure that happens. It's different having something else but sadness to focus on at our house and it is a bit relieving. Mike spends hours researching gardens, flowers, and other beautification projects. We found a home nestled in the country that fits my personality perfectly. It's not a huge home but it's perfect for us. We are taking Emily to see it tonight and I am hoping she likes it. 

The next few weeks will be filled with cleaning out our house and deciding what we want to take with us. Last night I took out Jude's book from his funeral and all the beautiful cards everyone sent and packaged them up neatly in a box for storage. I have a little corner of our house where I am keeping all of his items and I might get a special trunk to store it all in. Maybe something symbolic of Jude that I make for him. 

The final edited draft of Jude's book is done and it has been sent off to the interior design team. It's surreal seeing everything come together. Next week I have a meeting regarding the marketing of the book and in September I will have the pre-release versions. It's amazing that Jude's reach is still extending. 

The Weekend Update

Mike went back to work today and we met for lunch. I wanted to see how he was doing and we were discussing some items about the sale of our house. The inspection went well on our property and we will be selling and closing on 7/26. It's bitter sweet to be packing up the home that has treated us so well for the last 8 years and 2 months. However behind every turn we see Jude's sweet smiling face and that continuously breaks our hearts. We have found a home in Argyle that we love and we have put in an offer so we are saying lots of prayers that the owner will accept. The house is in a peaceful setting and has about everything we had wanted and ironically was originally built by relatives of a family member. 

We got Mike out of the house this weekend and it was so nice to spend time with him. He got rather tired later in the day but overall he did very well. We had to get Emily a swimsuit so we went to a few stores and I caught myself starting to cry as I passed through the little boys clothing section. I used to tear up because I realized Jude would never use items like underwear or swimsuits. However walking through and realizing you will never buy them clothes again because they are gone is much different. I mentioned how I wished Jude was going with us to the new house but a part of me knew that wasn't true. I wouldn't want Jude to suffer anymore and slowly I am beginning to realize that my difficult loss only means freedom for Jude. 

I am beginning to see some of the affects of Jude's loss and Mike's heart issue in Emily. It has been a tough year for her and without details it's gotten even harder. I am sending Emily away for a week to be with her family in Missouri. I know she is going to have a blast and when she gets back we will be ready to start packing. The realization that Emily will be leaving soon too is lingering in the back of our minds. I know she will be home to visit and I am proud I have raised a beautiful lady on the inside and out. She has what it takes to make herself a success and I know she will do well on her own. 

Mike and I have seriously discussed adoption within the next couple of years and I am preparing everyone know that this is a high possibility. I think it will be great for both of us and I think Mike is realizing what an impact he can make on the life of a child (or two). 

Grief Fatigue And Mike's Update

In normal fashion I am trying to bounce back and handle the situation at hand. I am more calm today and I am thinking about everything more rationally. People have been asking me how Mike is but in all honesty I just don't know. The heart is hidden under many layers of skin and bone and it's not something that gives you a daily reading. I can tell you he is in pain from the inflammation around the heart and he is in pain from the procedure area. He sleeps a lot due to the medications but rest resets the body so I look at that as a positive. I set him an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow morning as a follow up prior to thinking about going back to work. That's another hurdle......work. I am not sure his current position is conducive to his current health situation but I know his company considers him an asset and I have faith they will work with him on finding how he can be most useful in a safe environment. Mike is a big strong man who looks after his family and having something like this happen can weigh heavily on a man psyche. I know it affects him but he will always be big strong Mike to us!

Our inspection on our house for the buyers is this morning so Mike has ventured out of the house for the first time since his hospital stay. He and Emily are heading about a mile from our house to a movie theater. They figured that would be a good place to sit and not to strenuous. Knowing Emily she will have him watching Finding Dory, lol!  He may put up a big fight though. 

I feel pretty alone in all this but I know I am not. I also know my Facebook and blog posts are frequent and can be overwhelming to others. I learned there is something called grief fatigue. This is where your friends and family begin to pull away, hide your posts, or scroll past you. I assure you that if you need to do this it's normal and okay. There comes a point when you aren't sure what to say or how to help to someone grieving or going through a tragedy and a natural reaction is to pull back. I had someone also explain that grief fatigue is a reminder to others that have not suffered a tragedy that life can be incredibly devastating in an instant. However with that being said someone who is grieving or handling a stressful situation needs to do whatever it is that makes them process each day to the best of their ability. If that's posting frequent updates on Facebook or a blog then that what I need to do. I also have learned through Jude's situation that information trickles out whether you post or not. So for me posting updates deters repetitive texts and questions. Also know that your posts, texts, and sweet emails do help. I understand there are no words in a situation like ours so don't feel you need to search for them just knowing people are there to listen is enough. 

So I am not sure what our next steps will be regarding finding a new place to live. We are waiting until the option period is over and maybe even into July before we make any steps. I am not sure if we will rent for a year until we know the entire situation at hand or if we will move forward to find a new home. I have decided I just need to take things one step at a time. 

Just Angry!

Mike is pretty sick but he is doing well. I believe he has realized that Emily and I really need him here so he is doing his best to get through this. Watching a grown man go through such terrible grief is heart wrenching. He literally has a broken heart. 

I am very angry today and this is a normal reaction. I am angry we are enduring yet another hardship. I have been on my knees and asked God not to let anything happen to Mike or Emily. I have explained to him that I would not make it through another loss. So there are times that you question your faith when going through a situation like this. We have become that "You have got to be kidding me" family and I don't like being that family. Mike and I were watching, "We Bought A Zoo" last night and Mike said he wanted to go out and buy a zoo with beautiful land. I agreed and we both did have a laugh which was nice but the reality is we just want to run away. Get away from the everyday life of tragedies, work, and bills. It all follows right behind wherever you run though. 

I actually feel sorry for people right now because everyone's words are the WRONG thing to say and on my nerves. It's an absolute no win situation for people. If you say something I get irritated if you don't say something I get irritated so I apologize now.  If you say something about his diet and exercise I really get irritated because that means you don't properly read my updates. This will go away in time and I promise I don't bite I just sigh. 

I am working until 3 today and then I am picking up our dog from surgery (yes not kidding....that damn family again) and heading home. Emily has her senior pictures at 3:30 and I want someone around Mike. So I got to work super early so I could leave by the time I needed to. Luckily both our works are yet again working with our schedules and what's going on in our life. 

I am frustrated but life move on and eventually I trust the clouds will lift and we will all be healthy. I will do my best to push my Eeyore attitude to the side. Working on Emily's 5k event has been a good distraction so I am continuing to do that with her. I cannot believe it's already so close. 

The Diagnosis and a Lesson for us all

Mike's official diagnosis is myocarditis with pericarditis. So he did not suffer a heart attack but his condition is so serious that everything electrical and blood wise puts off the same readings as a heart attack. One doctor agreed to let Mike go home today with four medications and strict instructions to rest. Another doctor disagreed and said Mike's bloodwork is very worrisome. The first doctor won and we are at home. The doctor knew our past and I can only assume he trusts us to abide by the instructions. I am staying home with Mike tomorrow to make sure he is taken care of and then Emily is filling in the rest of the week while I work. She has a complete list of symptoms to watch for that will warrant a 911 call. She is also going to make his breakfast and lunch so if anyone feels compelled to drop of lunch Mike will appreciate it...haha. It's a lot of responsibility to put on a 17 year old but she wants to be a nurse and I have no doubt she can do this with her training from Jude.

I will be honest like I always have been on my blog, I am scared. I am scared of losing my rock, my best friend, my darling husband. I am angry my family has been thrust once again into a medical spotlight that gathers sympathy and worry. However I am incredibly grateful for the influx of prayers because I do believe where two or more are gathered God is with them. Mike's condition is extremely worrisome but I am going to have faith he will and can pull through this. We did discuss some sensitive information tonight and exchanged our worries and love for each other. It was needed and now we put one foot in front of another. Lying in bed after a child dies can increase a cloudy day so I am going to come up with some ingenious ideas to this spirits. I might enlist some help so hopefully my friends are open to that.

We had a few people offer words of advice about diet or exercise but I want to point out something very important we can all learn from this. Not everything that has to do with the heart is based on what you eat and how much you exercise. As stated Mike's blood pressure is great, he can walk up to 15,000 steps at work in the heat (another possible issue), and he had ZERO plaque build up. In other words overall his heart looks VERY healthy structurally. Some heart conditions are brought on by viral infections that attack the body, stress, grief, bacteria, or a combination there of. So if you for any reason experience chest, back, or arm pain get seen. Mike had serious neck pain that eventually presented in his left elbow and shoulder. The phrase we kept hearing was, "THANK GOD you came in!"

So if anything I hope my readers remember that it started with just neck pain! Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Did My Husband Have A Heart Attack?

Have you ever been in a situation where you say enough is enough? Yea enough.

On Wednesday my husband Mike started feeling sick and called into work to rest. The following days he wasn't any better and began telling me he had the Zika virus, he was joking. Anyway last night Mike was complaining that his neck hurt terribly and he just overall didn't feel well. We tried going to sleep but he spent the better part of the night tossing and turning while moaning in pain. Finally about 6:45 Mike woke me up and said he thought we should go to the ER. I wanted to call an ambulance but you know men are stubborn. So I drove him to the hospital with the expectation that we would hear he had an infection of some sort.

Once we got to the ER the lovely triage nurse asked us what was going on. In Jude fashion I blurted out respiratory rates, heart rates, temp, and realize this time it was for my husband. The nurse decided to do an EKG and she looked at me and said, "I think your husband has suffered a heart attack or is about to." What the F*&^??? I kept calm because I know these things can be misdiagnosed. I followed her back to the room where a flood of people infiltrated our area. They set up another EKG which read concerning, blood was drawn, people were talking, needles were sticking, and Mike was hovering. Soon the ER doctor came in stating he didn't think it was a heart attack but something happened, whew relief. Then the ER doctor came back and never mind bloodwork indicates a heart attack, oh hell. At this point my blood is boiling and under my breathe I utter "really LIFE...REALLY?" Again I stayed calm waiting on more answers and understanding we were just in the ER. I hugged Mike and told him everything would be okay. So then a very amazing and nice cardiologist came into the room and got down on bed level with Mike. He looked at both of us and explained something serious had happened to Mike heart. He explained they would be taking him into the cath lab to thread a wire up his groin into his heart to look for possible damage or blockages. Mike asked me if I could go and I explained there is no way they would let me in a sterile environment but assured him he would be fine. The doctor asked me to come with him and he explained they were bringing in a team of specialists that were not at the hospital yet. If Mike needed a blockage removed they would perform the surgery right then. He then asked if I needed a chaplain and then I panicked. I told him I didn't feel well and he looked at me and said "you are fine." Yes I said I am fine this is about Mike. I told him I didn't need a chaplain but to call one for Mike and I needed to make calls. I called my immediate family and friends explained the situation as calmly as a could. My family said I sounded like a professional robot reading off a list of item. I then posted on social media because I felt all the prayer we would get would be beneficial and they worked or at least for the time being they did. Within 20 minutes the doctor came back out telling me Mike's heart looked structurally sound and he believes he suffered a mild heart attack brought on by stress and grief. He prognosis looked great, oh sweet relief.

Then the day wore on and the news didn't stay positive. Mike had another abnormal EKG, but a good echo, then a bad blood draw, but a decent CT scan. So where do we stand? Hell I don't know. The diagnosis and plans keep changing but that's what you have to do when dealing with medicine. It's good that Mike's heart looks structurally sound. It's not good his enzymes keep increasing. So the plan is to take his blood again at 4am. If the enzymes have increased again then a new plan of action must be taken to find out what the cause of this is. Either it's still a mild heart attack or it could be a swelling or infection around the lining of the heart causing the heart to spasm. The other options are limited but out there. They must find the source and get it controlled and get Mike's heart regulated. The other part of this is the grief. The doctor said Mike's blood pressure is great, his height/weight good, his cholesterol good. This is a grief/stress induced situation with something underlying. He also said he believes all the years of sleep deprivation we had probably caused some permanent damage to Mike's organs but it's a matter of finding out what. Grief is awful. People just don't understand. Just because you have to keep going doesn't mean your body want's you to.

So we should have more information tomorrow. I have come home to shower, brush my teeth, and sleep for a few hours. I am mad and in shock but I am here for my husband. I am praying and hoping that all works out okay.

Ironically of all days we got a contract on the house, lol! We lost the house we wanted Argyle. So we will figure it out but it will be a much needed change in scenery.

I am very tired so I if this doesn't make sense I apologize. Mike is at Baylor in Grapevine and I will keep you updated.

To Lane Graves Parents (Alligator attack)

Over the last few days I have felt compelled to reply to negative posts concerning the death of the 2 year old child in the alligator attack. I have shared various blogs and articles written in the defensive of the mother and father explaining that horrible tragic accidents happen in life. I have shared the information that our society has become riddled with judgement and those behind keyboards find it easy to blame others. What I haven't done is talk about how my heart absolutely aches for these parents. 

So I am telling them now how very sorry I am for their loss and how sorry I am to all the parents who have to bury a child. I have been there. I have watched my child die and I have sat there moments later in shock wondering what to do and what to say. I have gone to get in my bed at night wondering how to sleep and how the world continues to turn. I have gotten up the following morning knowing I had to make arrangements and not knowing if I could follow through with them. I have walked into a funeral home knowing I had to pick out a tiny casket and make decisions no parents should ever make. I have walked a cemetery in the thick humidity scoping to find the perfect piece of land to place my son in. I have walked into a church that had a tiny casket placed in front that I knew held my sons little broken body. I have suffered a horrible panic attack before walking with the family to our assigned seats for my sons final goodbye. I have had to comfort others through my time of grief because my sons loss was so great. I have lovingly read every single card and tribute that people wrote to me in a grief induced fog but took in every word to my heart. I have questioned if I could have done more to save my child but realized there just wasn't anything that could be done. 

I have looked at headstones and had to make decisions about colors, stones, and verbiage. I have picked the perfect picture to memorialize my son forever etched in the stone for years to come. I have had to go back to work when my entire world has crashed to take care of other people's needs when I can barely take care of my own. I have had nights where I drown my sorrows in wine only to feel like walking hell the next morning. I have had days that seem amazingly good for a change and in an instance a familiar word or thought brings me to tears. I have had to remind others that although life goes on grief never ends and a parent never gets over the loss of their child. I have had to find my voice and speak up when I feel something bothers me or the wrong words are spoken. 

I can tell you that the upcoming days will be terrible and the grief is overwhelming. I beg you to find comfort in your marriage and hold on to your partner but let them have space to grieve as well. When the flowers start to die, the food begins to disappear, and everyone returns to their lives you will find a new extension of family. You will find a new club that you never wanted to be a part of and that's other parents that have lost their children. There are groups out there including one I am a part of with parents expressing what you are feeling but you might not be able to voice. Just knowing someone can relate is sometimes a bit of comfort. 

It's heart breaking and horrible. You will feel like your heart may stop beating from the sheer pain of grief but it somehow keeps going on. In your child that lives you will find a bright light or salvation and hope. They say time heals all wounds but with the death of a child time just reshapes grief into something more manageable. Know this is about you and your loss right now and no one else so take the time you need. I feel there is no restriction on grief when losing a child from days, months, or years. It's about your healing and those that truly care for you will understand that. 

Know we are here for you when you are ready. Your kindred spirits who cannot understand what you are going through fully but can relate and we are devastated for you. From all across the globe we are sharing our love and cry for you. 

Only Love

I am sitting here a bit conflicted about what to write but I know I want to blog. This week I shared a post on my Facebook about how some American's don't treat the grieving in the proper manner. If you missed that post you can catch this poignant information at the following link:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-e-steinke/stifled-grief-how-the-wes_b_10243026.html

I do believe that we have a stigma attached to our society regarding grief and how people process those feelings. Social Media has introduced a new gateway to grief that some friends/family may feel uncomfortable with. We the grieving find people deleting or hiding us because they cannot handle the seemingly negative posts when those helpless unhappy feelings are a part of the actual grieving process. It's those that can handle the angry, unhappy, sometimes thoughtless behavior that make it to the other side with us. I am lucky that the majority of people surrounding us have been very understanding. 

If you read in the article it seems that year 2 is the hardest.........not year 1. Shocking to the reader but not shocking to the person living through the loss. We have swarms of amazing people lacing our sides right after we lose someone we love but we still need those people when the seemingly normal life returns. I personally can admit I went back to work to soon. This was my sense of duty as a woman torn between there for my family emotionally and being there for my family financially. I should have taken more time off. However I think I have done pretty well except for the occasional freak out where I must leave because I am feeling overwhelmed. My work has been very understanding. I guess the advice I can give is to allow yourself time to properly grieve. If you don't then you are not benefiting yourself, your family, or your work place. Sometimes I sit here wondering how people can think I am actually normal when I want to scream with ever fiber of my being. I want everyone to know that my son is DEAD and it makes me so very angry!! Then other times I remember how incredibly sick he was and I am just thankful for the time I had with him. We still take things day by day and I am sure we will for a long time. Some moments life seems to be moving forward and then there are those where we feel lost. We are ready to move from our house and work on a new project. We are hoping this finally starts to happen for us.

I had a dream last night that I was in Orlando with several of my friends. We were standing against a wall near Disney when someone opened fire and I turned to my side. I felt bullets hit me and I woke up. This morning I turned on the TV and saw the shocking news of the terror attack. I know my dream was only a coincidence but I was breathless. I started to cry thinking of those poor parents and how they will get the news their child has died. How family members will have to plan funerals and how much hate floods our world. I am thankful Jude never knew any type of hate and only love. I wish we could all know only love.

Vegas and Missing Jude

We have been moving on with our lives and starting to branch out and live again realizing that Jude is gone. However there are those days that for a few seconds I forget and I stop to give him his meds, stop to say hi, or turn to see him and then I remember. Those days have heartbreak in them. Jude book is taking form and it's amazing to see everything that goes into a publication. 

This past weekend Emily and I took a whirlwind bucket list trip to see Miss USA live in Vegas. I have to admit that I got a bit teary whenever the lights starting flashing and the actual show started. 

Watching Emily see Vegas for the first time was incredible. Her eyes would light up at the large hotels and all the special attractions. When we told her we wanted to show her the water show at the Bellagio she seemed less than interested. However when the water perfectly choreographed to the music shot up for the first time you heard Emily exclaim "Whoa!" 

She was cute and sweet all weekend and looked beautiful as usual. She helped her old mom out when I discovered the Vegas heat is MUCH worse in your 40's. When I was in my 30's Vegas was a breeze. Now I think I need a motor cart and a battery operated fan blowing ice water on me. 

Our house is still for sale. We had multiple showings this past weekend and they all gave the house a great report and said it's perfectly priced. So the only reason I can figure that we haven't sold it is divine intervention. I believe God has a plan that we will make one fluid move because of the abundant stress we have already encountered this year.  The house we liked when Jude was with us is about to go back on the market. We wanted to put an offer on it before it listed but the sellers want to see what offers they can bring in with ours so they want to list. I understand that but I wish they would give us the opportunity to meet their asking price before listing. I am ready to move forward and I know Mike is too. Mike has a very difficult time at the house and I want him to have a project to focus on. The house we want is a fixer upper and we could turn this little gem into a diamond. 

Someone was kind enough to nominate Emily for an award. It would help her obtain a scholarship for college. If you would be so kind to vote for her we would appreciate it. She is under Emily Lites. You must select 5 kids and then hit submit. http://www.caring.org/2016YouthBallot.html

You Don't Get Over It

Picture this. It's been multiple years since your child passed and you reference their birthday to a friend and what a sad day it is. Your friend proceeds to tell you it's been years and it's time to get over it and move on. This happened to someone I know yesterday. Our wound is fresh with Jude's loss being so recent but let me make it perfectly clear that a parent never gets over losing a child. Grief simply takes on a new form and you learn to live life again to the best of your ability. I don't believe that time heals all wounds but I do believe time makes those wounds more bearable. So if your ever put in the position of wondering why a mother or father is still grieving the loss of their child you might consider keeping that information to yourself. It hurts the parent when you tell them it's time to get over it. There is no getting over it....ever!
Parents also want to remember their children. They want to tell you about them and remember that their life was once amazing and whole. For a parent to trust you enough to share that information with you should be a great compliment.

If you are wondering........it's still raining. When I said it's rained pretty much every day since Jude died I wasn't lying and the clouds are still weeping. Mike and I have seemed to reverse roles a bit. I believe when Jude died I was in complete and total shock. As a mother I knew my son was very sick but the final decline was so quick that I felt I couldn't catch my breath. There were moments after he died that Mike would just catch me staring at nothing quiet and alone. Mike has now taken on more of the rain cloud and Jude's absence weighs heavily on him. Emily is actually holding up pretty well but she does breakdown every now and then. Here is an amazing speech she gave at the honor Connor run. It was her first public speech since Jude passed. I think she did very well considering.

Jude's nurses have also reported they are doing better and most have secured new jobs. So I am happy that they are finding new work and are making the transition to help others. I know there will never be another Jude and I am grateful for all they did to help him. 

Tomorrow Emily and I leave bright and early to watch Miss USA in Vegas. Some prayers for safe flights would be appreciated. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. 

Is Being Nice A Lost Cause? Does social media change us?

It's raining again today. I believe it's pretty much rained every day since Jude died. We have a few breaks with some sun but I am ready for some steady sunny days. It helps keep your emotional well being more positive. 

This past weekend there were several topics that arose within the news that sparked different reactions from people across social media. The reactions ranged from differing opinions to threats of violence. I have a habit of opening my mouth when I believe people are being treating wrong or unjustly. This would be considered my "opinion". I think it's fine for people to discuss their opinions and it's even healthy to discuss differing ones in a mature respectful manner. However when did our population adapt to such an angry and violent society? When did we start judging others from afar without looking in the mirror? Judgment seems to come easy and swift from those behind key boards pounding away their thoughts one strike at a time. Threatening acts of violence and ruining others lives based on social media news stories has almost become second nature. 

My uncle used to be in law. I once asked him why he chose to become a criminal defense attorney. His response left me breathless when he said an estimated 10% of people on death row are innocent. We fragile humans wrapped in our naivety are so easily swayed by the media, We tend to try and hang a person just based on what we have heard versus what we know is factual. Some media outlets lace their stories with information that may not have been confirmed just to capture the most recent scoop. Their job is to focus on drama and obtain internet views and shares which in turn gives little regard to the person in the story itself. Isn't our job as a responsible society to have all the facts before condemning another party? Our actions as a whole have driven people from social media, from their homes, and from their jobs. When do we accept responsibility for how we treat others? Regardless of your "opinion" on a subject the fact still remains that America is an innocent until proven guilty society. We should give individuals that respect. 

Is it so hard to learn to be kind to one another? Is it a lost cause?

A Happy Memory

Today I watched video's with a smile because they brought back sweet memories. When I pressed play I noticed Jude's smile but I also noticed Emily administering medication and hooking up the feeding tube. It's amazing all that she learned. 

What a blessing it was to care for someone that was so fragile. We will never take for granted our ability to eat, walk, talk, or sit up. 

I have decided to run off next weekend and take Emily to Miss USA in Vegas. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity so we are seizing the day. Another lesson from Jude. 

Miss You Jude

So one would think our lives are getting a bit better but it's not really. We thought we were moving in a forward direction but suddenly this week is extremely difficult. We are angry, irritated, snapping at each other, and it's just overall rather crappy. I think we have reached the point that when someone asks "how are you doing......you doing okay?" that we could angrily respond "My kid died......no!". It's not their fault because they just mean well but let's just say that might not be the best question to throw our direction. I think it may be that it's just a reminder to us and we are trying to be normal. We still are trying to keep ourselves busy because that seems to help the most. We have been working diligently on the Emily's Smile box day that's coming up in September and the Pediatric Stroke 5k. So that helps. The good thing is we have each other and we are thankful for that every single day! 

I think when the house sells and we are able to focus on a move that will also create a big distraction. The good news is that Jude's book is moving forward. We are excited and will have more news on it soon. 

I miss Jude. I miss walking in the house and seeing his little face and kissing his big cheeks. I miss him being a baby and holding him close. I cherish the memories though and that I have them with me everyday. 

Part of grief is getting back to a routine. We have done that but it still takes time to start processing life in a normal fashion. We are getting there. 

Losses and Races

I am a member of an online support group for parents that have lost their child. It's hard seeing the stories but you feel a connection because of the loss. One thing I have learned is to again be eternally grateful for my blessings. Most of the children have the same sort of passing. Car wreck, childhood illness, going to sleep and not waking up for no known reason, and it seems #1 is the flu. So maybe my passing that along will help others be aware of situations to watch and to seek help if needed. It also seems like it just started as a mild illness and progressed very quickly like 24 hours quick. 

People are still asking how I am. It's a natural question. I take things day by day. Sometimes I feel like screaming and sometimes I am alright. I have been immersing myself in work and with setting up the big Emily's Smile Box event on 9/24. We are now all set up on Active.com and we have everything ordered for the event. I feel very accomplished that we got everything handled so early. 

We start the day with a 5K race to honor Jude and spread pediatric stroke awarness. Here is the link if you would like to attend in the DFW area. Note you do not have to do the race to attend the Emily's Smile Box making party.  http://www.active.com/southlake-tx/running/distance-running-races/emily-s-smile-box-day-featuring-the-annual-pediatric-stroke-walk-run-2016?int=

If you would like to virtual run for Jude because you are to far away then here is that link. With a full explanation of how to particpate. 
http://www.active.com/any-tx/running/distance-running-races/i-did-it-for-jude-pediatric-stroke-virtual-5k-2016

Some Days Are Harder Than Others.

Some days it's a little easier to deal with our loss and some days it's not. This morning as I passed the cemetery I said, "Good morning Ju Ju Bean." and my heart just broke. A lump gathered in my throat and the tears started stinging my eyes.  When I got to work the invoice from the cemetery to buy the plot next to Jude for Mike and myself laid on my desk. It's odd writing out so many checks to people all in regards to death. Jude's headstone has been designed and they are now working on the design for the granite bench that will go between his space and ours. Life goes on but for those who just lost someone the invoices and conversations last months and the loss lasts a lifetime. 

Our house has had multiple showings this week so I have no doubt it will sell within the next two weeks. My guess is we will close and move some time in June or July but we will see. I will miss our home but it is hard being there with all the reminders. I guess it's on to a new adventure. 

I am still not up to taking care of anyone else's feelings because my loss feels so great but again as the days pass the emotions get a little easier to handle. I still get irritated when people are having a good time but I never voice it. I know in my heart I want them to enjoy life and Jude would want that too. 

I am not sure what the future holds. I am not even sure where we are going when we sell the house but I know God has a plan. We will wind up exactly where we are suppose to be! Jude's book process has started and I hope to announce release dates within the next month or so. I have no doubt he will touch so many lives. 

The Grief Garden

After Jude passed a good friend of mine really wanted to help us by doing what she could to make sure the 9/24 event for Emily's Smile Boxes was a success. She told me she reached out to a mom who had lost her son who also held a race in his honor. My friend explained she was excited and really just wanted to make a difference and it was the mom she reached out to that pulled the reigns. She told her that she couldn't step in my grief garden right now and she needed to wait until she was invited in. That statement stuck with me but I just haven't had the opportunity to blog on it in the way I wanted to. I thought her statement was very profound. That mom knew my friend only wanted to help but she knew from a grieving parents side that you have to learn to breathe again first. 

I thought that the idea of a grief garden (even though not literal) was amazng and a great way to explain the situation in a sense that others could understand. Basically when Jude first passed I was in a dark sad stormy garden without much light. As the days passed and the storm let up I began to start tending to some wildflowers. Slowly I began to work with the green grass, some honeysuckle filled with memories, and I was able to plant some roses. The roses will take the longest as they are just beginning to grow but eventually their petals will bloom with a sweet fragrance and be filled with Jude's smiles. A little at a time I can invite people in to look at how beautiful the garden has grown but it takes months and years to make the perfect rose garden. It will happen though and it will be perfect.  

Panic

I seem to be doing a bit better. Sometimes I feel guilty for that but I guess I am
beginning to feel like I can at least breathe again. The one issue I have had since Jude passed that I can not stand is absolutely debilitating panic attacks. I mean the type where you feel like you're having a heart attack but you know you aren't. Anything can bring them on driving (mostly), stressful situations, talking about Jude, finances, really anythjng. Yet again it's something I have learned that's normal. I am hoping they will ease soon.

My office is getting out back together so I should be back to work next week. Mike is doing pretty well and so is Emily.

My thoughts of Jude and his sweet smile and squishy cheeks  are beginning to bring me smiles versus pure despair. I remind myself that Jude struggled for so long and as selfish as I am and how I want him here I just cannot have that. It wouldn't even be fair of me to ask that from him. He is breathing easy now.

Today I have a full list of items to do from Emily's concert or dress shopping.

A Fire and Notes

We are still taking each day a step at a time. I sure miss coming home each day to a busy house full of nurses and family. I miss saying, "Ju Ju Bean!!!" and seeing his sweet smile but I know he is with us. 

Sometimes it's hard to breathe but other minutes you just smile at his memory. 

The other night I received a call at 11:54pm from the fire department by my work. My mind is still overwhelmed by losing Jude so I had to get myself together. I realized they were telling me there was a fire at our location and they couldn't reach the primary owner. Mike and Emily helped me pull myself together and we rushed to the scene. When I pulled in the parking lot there were loads of fire trucks and ambulances from multiple cities. At first I thought about crying at the possible loss of something else but I knew no matter what we would be okay. Soon I learned it was a lightning strike that hit the business next to us and they suffered a devastating loss. We have major smoke damage but it's easily repairable but it will just take time. So right now we are trying to work remotely and are traveling back and forth between the office and home. We are a bit limited but we are making it work. It's always an adventure over here. 

Emily is doing well and I heard from Jude's nurses when we all have time to communicate. I know they are aware we miss them. I drive by Jude's little spot in the cemetery each day and I know we made the perfect decision. I am able to tell him good morning and good night. 

Over the past several days I have received letters that were sent to the funeral home and to the church from my readers. I am so touched people took the time to reach out! People near and far! I am so thankful Jude was able to touch so many lives in such a positive way. I hope he continues to do so. So thank you for taking the time you took to send a note. It meant a lot.