Thursday, July 28, 2016

It Just Hits You Like WHAM!

I had a nice lady in a loss group share a post about losing her special needs child. She included the following sentence. 

"You become a "doctor", a "pharmacist", a "lawyer", an "advocate", an "educator", and some people's worst nightmare (Mama Bear doesn't even begin to cover it)! Almost every single waking moment is focused on this child."

She is right and she expressed that in the most perfect way and I can feel the emotions in her sentences. She feels a bit lost since she doesn't have her person to care for anymore and I relate to her feelings. Our move is going through and I am packing up the last of the items I need to put into boxes. As I finished some packing and exited Jude's room last night I once again had tears streaming down my face. Mike stopped and asked me what was wrong and I told him I hate packing. I explained that every time I pack I encounter another reminder of our loss and this time it was a simple medical tag hanging on Jude's shelf. I have no doubt the amazing nurse Charlotte hung it there for easy access for deliveries. He chuckled and I know it wasn't to make fun of me in any manner. He simple said, "a tag makes you cry but you can look at pictures each day? The pictures stab me in the heart." It's the little things that get me for some reason. The tiny little Ninjas waiting around the corner like the talking Scout toy that was stacked in numbers at Wal Mart. For some reason the little things you don't think about on a daily basis are the hardest for me to deal with.  I had to get a crib sheet today and walking into Babies are Us was like walking through a haunted house. Around every corner was a reminder of Jude, a little boy his age, or something he would never get the opportunity to use. I almost felt like Jude was there for a bit just guiding me through the store to find what I needed and guiding me gently out. So I fluctuate between having good moments and not so great moments but if the good outweighs the bad then I think I am making progress. 

I do tend to struggle if I am faced with stressful situations. They are not as easy to handle as they used to be and weigh heavier on my shoulders. At times I feel like I cannot handle any type of stress and throw my hands up and walk away. It's just how it is right now and how it may continue to be for a long time. 

So I am mixed on my feelings about our move this weekend. I am sure I will shed tears but I have lots of friends coming to help and lots of family. I know I will have many shoulders to lean on and so will Emily and Mike. I know in the end this move will be a positive change. 

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