It’s Still Only Love Jude

In 2001, Emily and I were in a very serious car accident. We had to slam on our brakes because someone stopped short in front of us, and a young driver who was following too closely rear-ended us at about 60 miles an hour. The impact was so powerful it spun my car and sent us toward a gas station. Thankfully, we were stopped by a light pole.

That accident, combined with the trauma of 9/11, created an overwhelming fear of driving on highways. For years, I avoided them completely. I could get anywhere in DFW without ever touching a highway. Through therapy, I eventually worked through that fear and was doing well, until we lost Jude. After that loss, I regressed and found myself right back in that same place again.

For more than 10 years, I avoided situations that felt scary on the road. But last week, for the first time in over a decade, I drove on the highway again. It may seem like a small thing to some people, but for me it was a huge step forward.

I’m sharing this because people don’t always talk about the fears and stress they carry. Much like our experience losing Jude, trauma creates deep emotional wounds. Those wounds show up in different ways for everyone. PTSD and triggers can shape how we react in our relationships, at work, and in everyday life.

Along my road of grief, I know I may have hurt some people. Grief can be messy, complicated, and overwhelming. If that happened, I’m truly sorry. I did the best I could while carrying a pain I didn’t yet know how to live with.

But driving on that highway reminded me of something important; moving forward matters. Sometimes healing begins with one small, terrifying step.

This is the last weekend we will spend in our beloved home, the place that held us, comforted us, and wrapped its arms around us during the darkest chapter of our lives. It gave us shelter while we tried to make sense of an unimaginable loss.

I’ve reached out to those who meant the most during that time, and as we close this chapter, we do so with gratitude, reflection, and hope.

We will always carry Jude in our hearts. He will be with us in every step we take, every single day. But now, we are ready to let the light in again.

With Love Always, 

Jenn 

Peace And The Move

We packed much of the house this weekend, and I made meaningful progress in my healing. I’ve started learning how to release things that carry sadness.

While Mike and I were in the attic, I opened the chests that hold so many memories. When I was 16, my boyfriend died by suicide. Inside one chest was a copy of the note he left me (the police kept the original), newspaper clippings from his town, letters from his parents, and his high school photo. I read through everything carefully. I let Mike read them too, and watched his eyes fill with tears. Then I chose to let them go. I placed them in a discard pile.

Next, I picked up a five-page letter my aunt had written, detailing the poor care my mother received at the hospital. She described, step by step and word for word, every mistake that was made. I could feel the fear, panic, and desperation in my family’s experience. It was written so vividly that I could picture everyone’s movements and even smell the hospital halls. Later that same night, after she was mistakenly discharged, my mother died. I placed that letter in the same pile.

I also gathered some of her personal belongings, items it was finally time to release.

I let go of yearbooks, crumbling homecoming mums, and stacks of old photos, keeping only a few precious pieces I still needed. Most of what I hold onto of Jude’s was carefully placed in storage. But his car seat is finally being donated.

The last time Jude sat in that seat, he aspirated. He was pulled from it in an instant. A parking attendant quickly took my keys at the hospital entrance, and a nurse ran down the hall with Jude in his arms. I stood there and watched as they worked to resuscitate him. It’s a memory I’m ready to step away from.

And yet, somehow, all of these tragic memories have led me to a place of peace, a place where I can smile again. I can look at the beauty of the world and feel that those I’ve lost are still with me, in the brilliance of nature, in the warmth of strangers’ smiles, and waiting for me on the other side.

They gave me the strength to walk away from years of sexual abuse by a family member. They made sure that man is where he needs to be. And they have given me the courage to speak up for other little girls, to say what happened, to stand for those who cannot, and to shout no more.

Children matter. Life matters. Love matters.

I am deeply grateful to finally feel peace. Each night I pray that God protects my family, that no more tragedy finds its way to us before I one day walk into heaven. Amen. I have also reached out to a few people I lost contact with and we will see where that goes.

We miss you, Jude. Your dad is building me an aviary at our new home, a quiet place where I can sit, watch the birds, and think of you. We hope you're happy. 

Grief Can Make You Mean

One thing I’ve come to understand about grief is that you don’t always recognize how it’s shaping your behavior toward others. It isn’t that you’re intentionally rude or unkind, but you may become distant or dismissive without realizing it. I don’t believe I ever meant to hurt anyone, but looking back, I can see that I wasn’t always acting with others’ best interests at heart. Grief has a way of narrowing your world until survival feels like the only priority.

I also know how overwhelming it can be to witness constant expressions of sadness on social media. I think, over time, this may have contributed to losing a few friendships during my ten years of grief. Add to that a difficult childhood, and it makes sense that grief became something deeply ingrained, almost familiar.

Menopause certainly hasn’t helped either, and it’s something women simply do not talk about enough. How many of us have sat in a doctor’s office, listening to them say our labs look “perfect,” while inside we feel absolutely miserable? There’s such a disconnect between what we’re told and what we actually experience. Sometimes it feels like we’re pleading with medical professionals just to help us feel normal again. Combine menopause with grief, and suddenly you’ve got a very grumpy older lady trying to hold it all together.

I’ve watched some friends quietly fade away over the years, especially online, and I want to say this: if I ever hurt you, it was never intentional. Grief changes you in ways you don’t always recognize while you’re in it.

Jude has played such a meaningful role in this recent awakening, and I’m incredibly thankful for him, and for God, for carrying me through. Lately, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of peace. After losing you, I think I drifted into a kind of agnosticism. I wasn’t sure what came after death, but I believed something was there. Yesterday, as I looked out over the pure white snow lining our pasture, I felt my faith fully restored. I knew with certainty that Jude and all those I’ve lost before me will be there when my time comes. And I know it will be a joyful reunion.

Until then, I’m looking forward to the days ahead, watching my daughter grow, seeing her wed, and one day enjoying my grandchildren.

We’ve also been incredibly busy lately, and we now have a contract on our house. We truly believe Jude brought us here so we could grieve in the most peaceful and perfect way possible. And now, we feel ready to move on, to start a new chapter somewhere else. We will never be “over” his loss, but we are learning how to carry it in a more spiritually awakened way.

Hello Again

It’s been a long time since I’ve written on this blog. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say; I just don’t think I had the strength to say it. In June, I had gallbladder surgery, and for the second time in a year, it didn’t go as planned. I think that experience quietly began a season of deep reflection and a realization that I needed to focus on truly getting healthy.

I was already feeling inspired to lose weight because Emily is getting married, but I hadn’t reached my breaking point yet. That moment came in October. One night, my heart started racing uncontrollably, and I experienced what seemed like an episode of A-fib. The very next day, I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw, not just physically, but emotionally. I sat down and realized how deeply I had been living in grief. I hadn’t cared much about my appearance, about leaving the house, or, if I’m being honest, about fully living.

I know Jude wouldn’t want that for me. It’s almost as if I could hear him whispering in my ear that it was time to pull myself together—for Emily, her children, Mike, and myself. For the first time in a very long time, I decided to put myself first. Many people have asked what I’ve been doing, so I wanted to share it here.

1. I went to my doctor for a complete checkup. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my bloodwork and A1C were actually quite good, room for improvement, yes, but overall very solid.

2. I started taking a microdose of a GLP-1, which has significantly reduced my inflammation and even helped the arthritis in my hands. Arthritis—how did that happen? Wasn’t my senior year just two weeks ago?

3. I joined a Pilates studio and committed to sticking with it. To my surprise, I absolutely love it. I go two to three times a week, including a stretch and peace class, which has become my favorite.

4. I put down the wine and haven’t touched it since.

5. I’ve been eating more fish, greens, and lots of chicken salad. At this rate, I may actually turn into chicken salad.

6. I started getting my nails and eyelashes done, not to be perfect, but to feel pretty again. And to my surprise, I really enjoy it.

Rounding the bend to a loss of 50 pounds, I am even more inspired to reach 80 total. I feel like Jude is pushing me and knows good things are ahead. 

I’ve also been spending more quality time with my husband, simply enjoying each other. My job continues to go wonderfully thanks to the incredible people who trust me enough to send referrals. Mike and I are also stepping into a new journey together, one I’m not quite ready to share yet, but I will soon. So be sure to stay tuned. 

I truly hope everyone in blog land is doing well and finding their own sense of peace. I know Jude is watching over us every step of the way. Our loved ones are always near, sending us signs, you just have to be open enough to notice them.

❤️

A Year Of Enlightenment

I have decided that this past year has been a time of enlightenment for me on many levels. I think approaching 50 years old and a worldwide pandemic has opened my eyes to so many things. I have always been very opinionated especially when it came to issues I felt went against my moral values. I also have always believe in educating yourself. If someone spoke about something that was historically or statistically inaccurate I would kindly correct them. In my youngers years I was also very quick to get frustrated with situations that were stressful or difficult to deal with. If you have followed my blog for the last 13 years you also know I was always on the go with a new adventure or a new place to visit. 

I am no longer that person and I like it. Not everyone will like the new me and that's okay. I like my quiet time, being at home, being slow, and being mellow. I now literally stop myself from replying to others asking myself if my opinion on the matter they posted or spoke about is truly important. Is what I am going to say going to make a true difference in the world at hand and if not I move on. In my line of work we sometimes get very angry customers and in the service industry as a whole people can see very upset individuals. I wonder if we just took a moment to take a deep breath before we reacted if the outcome would be different. I am not saying we shouldn't ever get upset or allow someone to wrong us in our lives but I have just personally decided to try to let things go. To take in as much positive as I can. 

This past year I thought I was helping a friend by advising a companion was not faithful and wasn't extending decency when talking about my friend. Although I felt in my heart I was doing the right thing by warning her it backfired. Then recently I commented on a social media post (damn social media) and it was taken out of context. It was on a touchy subject and I was just trying to be supportive. So I decided to just stop commenting on anything that could be construed as political, religious, pandemic associated, or relationship geared. I had someone bring up a political opinion the other day and I just simply replied that politics aren't my job and I no longer discuss them.  God didn't put me here to prove my side is the right side because it may not be. I found a quote that says, "You cannot control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do or say gets filtered through the lens of whatever personal stuff they are going through at the moment. Which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much integrity and love as possible." That resonated with me because it's so true!! If politics, masks, work, depression, joy, hate, fear, life, babies, whatever is on your mind will filter what you are reading and perceiving. That can affect your reaction and my reaction to any given situation at hand. My mother used to always tell me to walk away from a situation for five minutes and breathe before I spoke. Those were some words of wisdom right there folks! I should have listened. 

I guess with everything that has happened in my life since I was 7 years old I just started to wind down. Long quiet cool evenings sitting out on my patio while listening to the wind in the trees and the birds makes me very happy right now. Living at a slower pace and taking in all I can while I still can means more than I can say. I hear Jude all around me out on our land and see him in the dragonflies that flutter by my hands. I don't miss the traffic or the busy hustle but I do miss my friends and enjoy seeing them again. I am not sure I ever really grasped that when I retire I want a quiet life away from the commotion with my dogs and animals but I understand that now. In the meantime I am still extremely grateful that my business is still so successful while I work from home and it's because of all my loyal friends, family, and clientele. 

Jude's 5th year Angel day. Hello Blogger I am back!

Well hello Blogger! I know it's been a while but I have been working on healing. It's the 5th anniversary of Jude's angel day. I take this day off work every year to reflect on our lives and to refrain from being ugly to someone that may be less than kind. It's not a customers fault that my emotions on on high alert so I just personally decided to lay low on 4/9. A lot has changed in the last five years. Emily has now graduated college with a BS in Psychology and a minor in Biology. She also obtained her CNA so she can gather experience in the medical field while either training as a nurse or a PA. Emily also competed at Miss Alabama USA 2021 and made the top 10. A few months later she heard from a large modeling firm who saw her at the event and plans on signing her as a new client. Her first portfolio shoot is at the end of this month.......SURPRISE! 

Emily's Smile Boxes is still going strong. During the pandemic we were not able to ship boxes so we focused on family needs. We shipped laptops to children who could not afford them for at home learning, provided funds for groceries, and so much more. We are now able to ship boxes again so we are sending out 100 at a time to be put together by volunteers while we also continue to help funding those in need during the crisis. This is one of our regular volunteers who makes the boxes we send and drops them off. I know Jude would love the smiles the boxes bring to children and their families. 

My parentals found a puppy in Arkansas on the side of the road for sale for a mere $10 and they were smitten. They brought her home and called me to see if I would take her in. Since I have an ever increasing zoo I agreed to one more little one and she has been the biggest stinker I have ever owned but I love her deeply. Sometimes when I look in her eyes I feel a little part of Jude in her smiling back at me. My aunt says that a dear relative of ours always said that dogs are heart menders. My four pups have for sure been mending my broken heart for a while now. 

Over the last year laced with the covid pandemic we endured Mike being bit by a venomous copperhead and "Snovid." Back in the summer Mike was stepping into our front door and little did he know a copperhead was sitting on our welcome mat. I heard him scream and knew immediately this was NOT good! We live in TX in an area that has many snakes and although I know how to handle them they are not easy to spot at night. Copperheads are nocturnal so that doesn't help the situation. Nothing really sums up 2020 more than a hospital discharge summary that reads "Venomous snake bite"; luckily it was a dry bite. That doesn't mean I didn't enter the ER in a full panic frenzied stern mom voice saying my child died I will NOT LOSE my husband! That poor ER felt horrible when they had to ask me to leave due to the no visitor rule. I sat by myself in the parking lot waiting to hear the outcome and God answered my prayers. 

Next we had good old Snovid the snowpocolypse that hit TX with a near 100% electrical power grid failure. Thankfully, we found out we sit near a birthing center, the police station, the fire station, and a water plant. So we never lost electricity unlike so many other poor Texans. Last I heard we lost 111 Texans to freezing temperatures. We learned we will never be without a wood burning fire place, back up food storage, backup water storage, and a cast iron stove. Our grid was not prepared for the temps we received and it was heartbreaking watching the desperate social media posts! I work in insurance and they're telling us the claims from broken pipes, etc. will surpass Katrina and that's staggering. 

I still have my same wonderful job, my eccentric crazy loveable family, and most of my adoring beautiful friends. The pandemic has caused a lot of heartache based on many political issues and honestly a lot of assumptions. I feel like we will all make it back to each other at some point if it's meant to be. A piece of your heart cannot escape unless it's meant to leave forever. If you're true friends with the best intentions meant on each side then a relationship isn't lost it just needed a timeout. 

Now let's focus on today. I still have tears streaming down my face as I write but tonight the waves of grief weren't quite as large today as they have been in prior years. It doesn't mean it's easier but I guess I am finding new ways to cope and manage Jude's profound loss. I felt like I was able to process more about the release of Jude's spirit this year. That he had been in pain for so long that it was God's mercy that took Jude somewhere peaceful. This year I also really missed his nurses who were such a part of our family for so long. Sweet Charlotte who was always so organized and always Jude's advocate opted not to return to pediatric care. I think Jude's loss was too much of a heartbreak for her. I still talk to her and get to watch her happy days on social media.  Candice is ever the fun loving sweet soul. She would stay up with me late at night letting me drink my wine and complain about everything I needed to before I would retire for the night and she took care of Jude. We only had her for the last year of his laugh but she is forever a friend. Allan and his blessed soul still texts me, "Morning Glory!!" everyday he works with his new patient. The very words he said everyday he showed up to care for Jude. Oh how I am grateful for each and every one of them and the joy they brought to Jude and our family. 

We are still living at the home I believe Jude brought us to. The land is full of dragonflies, butterflies, flowers, grapes, honeysuckle, Wisteria, and so much more. It also has snakes and wasps too but we try to ignore them. The amount of Cardinals that land in my back yard with other birds is truly staggering. Our little happy zoo makes me always think of Jude and Home. Jude would have loved to pet the goats. I can picture taking his hand and rubbing his fingers across their fur as he laughed. He would have loved the chickens and the rooster crowing. I am not sure the nurses would have liked Jude laughing at "Gregory Peck" crowing at 5am but Jude would have loved it. As big as the pig is Jude would have loved his snorting and the dogs with their ever licking tongues would have sent him into a thousand giggles. 

Right before the pandemic hit the continuous rain made our outside stairwell collapse. Ironically this stairwell led to the very room I keep most of Jude's memento's except those around the inside of our home. At first I felt a little panicked I couldn't get to them but I realized we would indeed get it fixed. Then the pandemic hit and out contractor had to quit. We went more than a year and finally it's being fixed. The stairs will be on the East side of our home. I have been oddly excited about this but I guess it's because I worked to be able to afford this and it's a stairwell back to Jude. 

So that's a quick update of the many months that have passed between my last blog. In the end my heart just very much aches to hold this adorable boy again, see his smile, and smell his fragrant hair. He is forever my little penguin. I am so grateful for my gorgeous daughter, my loving husband, and all those around me. Thank you for you ever enduring patience with my many anxiety issues, my grief, and my lack of patience. Thank you to everyone who sent all they did today for #ididitforjude. To sweet little newborn Jackie, who made her entrance to the world today, I hope you are as bright of a beacon for your parents as Jude was for us. I have no doubt that you will be and thank you for spreading some light on this day that was always so sad. You and your parents are a true blessing. 

Hey Jude..........We Miss You. 

Why Don't We Talk More About Mental Health Issues? My confession.

Hello Blogland! 

Since my battle with Coronavirus I have not ventured out of my house on a regular basis. I am actually quite blessed that I have been able to work from home and I have found that I really like it. I was in an office setting for so many years that when we were sent home to isolate I went into panic mode. Seriously, like I drove my family nuts, lol.  I wasn't sure how working from home would impact my business and when you work in sales with commission the thought of losing business can be very stressful. This week is actually the first week I have had a significant drop in quotes to do. So if you need insurance please let me know. Overall I am not scared to go back out into the public but I don't want to fight Coronavirus again. Twice is enough for me and I have educated myself enough on the subject to know that historically other coronaviruses have a history of infecting the same people. I am assuming because they are more susceptible. However I am attempting to get out a bit more and test the waters. I take precautions and so does my family because they watched me suffer. 

Emily and I ventured out this weekend and after having a good discussion with my cousin I thought I would share my Saturday experience. I think we talk a lot in America about the need to acknowledge mental illness but we are afraid to share our own challenges. So despite what you may think about me after you read this I am going to share mine. Maybe it will help someone else open up and let people know that it's okay to not always be okay. I have blogged before that in 2001 Emily and I were in a horrific car crash. We were traveling down Grapevine Hwy and I slowed to allow a car to turn in front of me. A young man driving 65 mph hit me with such force it sent my SUV spinning and then flipping. We flipped into a large commercial light pole and took the entire pole over. We were hanging upside down in the vehicle until rescuers got us out. I was injured but thankfully Emily was fine snuggled in her car seat. Less then three weeks later 9/11 hit and BOOM this month leaves Jenn with the worst PTSD! I had a terrible fear of driving and riding in a car after that accident. I saw a therapist and luckily he did finally help me begin to drive normally again but after Jude died the issue came back. The therapist said the trauma of losing him just agitated old issues. I was beginning to get a bit better but then Covid hit and I found that not having to drive relieved a mountain of stress I didn't realize I was carrying. The problem is now that I haven't driven in so long I have the tendency to have terrible panic attacks in the car. I was driving Emily to Grapevine to my office and then on to Southlake Saturday and I had to pull over just to catch my breath. Things that make me panic are two lane roads (377), congested areas, and highways. So for me if I have to pick going out somewhere that may end in a huge panic attack I would rather just stay home. It's just not fun for me to go through that to get to some place to try to have fun. So if you think I am ignoring you, I am not. So back to therapy I go again soon. 

Overall the rest of life is going pretty well. We have a rather surprising situation that we are working with right now that I will write more about when we learn more about what will be happening. In closing we celebrated Jude's 12th birthday on 9/2. Mike took balloons and flowers by the cemetery and left them for a week. We still feel him with us everyday making an impact and we thank him for preparing us for isolation. This was the life we led with Jude on a daily basis.