A Year Of Enlightenment

I have decided that this past year has been a time of enlightenment for me on many levels. I think approaching 50 years old and a worldwide pandemic has opened my eyes to so many things. I have always been very opinionated especially when it came to issues I felt went against my moral values. I also have always believe in educating yourself. If someone spoke about something that was historically or statistically inaccurate I would kindly correct them. In my youngers years I was also very quick to get frustrated with situations that were stressful or difficult to deal with. If you have followed my blog for the last 13 years you also know I was always on the go with a new adventure or a new place to visit. 

I am no longer that person and I like it. Not everyone will like the new me and that's okay. I like my quiet time, being at home, being slow, and being mellow. I now literally stop myself from replying to others asking myself if my opinion on the matter they posted or spoke about is truly important. Is what I am going to say going to make a true difference in the world at hand and if not I move on. In my line of work we sometimes get very angry customers and in the service industry as a whole people can see very upset individuals. I wonder if we just took a moment to take a deep breath before we reacted if the outcome would be different. I am not saying we shouldn't ever get upset or allow someone to wrong us in our lives but I have just personally decided to try to let things go. To take in as much positive as I can. 

This past year I thought I was helping a friend by advising a companion was not faithful and wasn't extending decency when talking about my friend. Although I felt in my heart I was doing the right thing by warning her it backfired. Then recently I commented on a social media post (damn social media) and it was taken out of context. It was on a touchy subject and I was just trying to be supportive. So I decided to just stop commenting on anything that could be construed as political, religious, pandemic associated, or relationship geared. I had someone bring up a political opinion the other day and I just simply replied that politics aren't my job and I no longer discuss them.  God didn't put me here to prove my side is the right side because it may not be. I found a quote that says, "You cannot control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do or say gets filtered through the lens of whatever personal stuff they are going through at the moment. Which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much integrity and love as possible." That resonated with me because it's so true!! If politics, masks, work, depression, joy, hate, fear, life, babies, whatever is on your mind will filter what you are reading and perceiving. That can affect your reaction and my reaction to any given situation at hand. My mother used to always tell me to walk away from a situation for five minutes and breathe before I spoke. Those were some words of wisdom right there folks! I should have listened. 

I guess with everything that has happened in my life since I was 7 years old I just started to wind down. Long quiet cool evenings sitting out on my patio while listening to the wind in the trees and the birds makes me very happy right now. Living at a slower pace and taking in all I can while I still can means more than I can say. I hear Jude all around me out on our land and see him in the dragonflies that flutter by my hands. I don't miss the traffic or the busy hustle but I do miss my friends and enjoy seeing them again. I am not sure I ever really grasped that when I retire I want a quiet life away from the commotion with my dogs and animals but I understand that now. In the meantime I am still extremely grateful that my business is still so successful while I work from home and it's because of all my loyal friends, family, and clientele. 

Jude's 5th year Angel day. Hello Blogger I am back!

Well hello Blogger! I know it's been a while but I have been working on healing. It's the 5th anniversary of Jude's angel day. I take this day off work every year to reflect on our lives and to refrain from being ugly to someone that may be less than kind. It's not a customers fault that my emotions on on high alert so I just personally decided to lay low on 4/9. A lot has changed in the last five years. Emily has now graduated college with a BS in Psychology and a minor in Biology. She also obtained her CNA so she can gather experience in the medical field while either training as a nurse or a PA. Emily also competed at Miss Alabama USA 2021 and made the top 10. A few months later she heard from a large modeling firm who saw her at the event and plans on signing her as a new client. Her first portfolio shoot is at the end of this month.......SURPRISE! 

Emily's Smile Boxes is still going strong. During the pandemic we were not able to ship boxes so we focused on family needs. We shipped laptops to children who could not afford them for at home learning, provided funds for groceries, and so much more. We are now able to ship boxes again so we are sending out 100 at a time to be put together by volunteers while we also continue to help funding those in need during the crisis. This is one of our regular volunteers who makes the boxes we send and drops them off. I know Jude would love the smiles the boxes bring to children and their families. 

My parentals found a puppy in Arkansas on the side of the road for sale for a mere $10 and they were smitten. They brought her home and called me to see if I would take her in. Since I have an ever increasing zoo I agreed to one more little one and she has been the biggest stinker I have ever owned but I love her deeply. Sometimes when I look in her eyes I feel a little part of Jude in her smiling back at me. My aunt says that a dear relative of ours always said that dogs are heart menders. My four pups have for sure been mending my broken heart for a while now. 

Over the last year laced with the covid pandemic we endured Mike being bit by a venomous copperhead and "Snovid." Back in the summer Mike was stepping into our front door and little did he know a copperhead was sitting on our welcome mat. I heard him scream and knew immediately this was NOT good! We live in TX in an area that has many snakes and although I know how to handle them they are not easy to spot at night. Copperheads are nocturnal so that doesn't help the situation. Nothing really sums up 2020 more than a hospital discharge summary that reads "Venomous snake bite"; luckily it was a dry bite. That doesn't mean I didn't enter the ER in a full panic frenzied stern mom voice saying my child died I will NOT LOSE my husband! That poor ER felt horrible when they had to ask me to leave due to the no visitor rule. I sat by myself in the parking lot waiting to hear the outcome and God answered my prayers. 

Next we had good old Snovid the snowpocolypse that hit TX with a near 100% electrical power grid failure. Thankfully, we found out we sit near a birthing center, the police station, the fire station, and a water plant. So we never lost electricity unlike so many other poor Texans. Last I heard we lost 111 Texans to freezing temperatures. We learned we will never be without a wood burning fire place, back up food storage, backup water storage, and a cast iron stove. Our grid was not prepared for the temps we received and it was heartbreaking watching the desperate social media posts! I work in insurance and they're telling us the claims from broken pipes, etc. will surpass Katrina and that's staggering. 

I still have my same wonderful job, my eccentric crazy loveable family, and most of my adoring beautiful friends. The pandemic has caused a lot of heartache based on many political issues and honestly a lot of assumptions. I feel like we will all make it back to each other at some point if it's meant to be. A piece of your heart cannot escape unless it's meant to leave forever. If you're true friends with the best intentions meant on each side then a relationship isn't lost it just needed a timeout. 

Now let's focus on today. I still have tears streaming down my face as I write but tonight the waves of grief weren't quite as large today as they have been in prior years. It doesn't mean it's easier but I guess I am finding new ways to cope and manage Jude's profound loss. I felt like I was able to process more about the release of Jude's spirit this year. That he had been in pain for so long that it was God's mercy that took Jude somewhere peaceful. This year I also really missed his nurses who were such a part of our family for so long. Sweet Charlotte who was always so organized and always Jude's advocate opted not to return to pediatric care. I think Jude's loss was too much of a heartbreak for her. I still talk to her and get to watch her happy days on social media.  Candice is ever the fun loving sweet soul. She would stay up with me late at night letting me drink my wine and complain about everything I needed to before I would retire for the night and she took care of Jude. We only had her for the last year of his laugh but she is forever a friend. Allan and his blessed soul still texts me, "Morning Glory!!" everyday he works with his new patient. The very words he said everyday he showed up to care for Jude. Oh how I am grateful for each and every one of them and the joy they brought to Jude and our family. 

We are still living at the home I believe Jude brought us to. The land is full of dragonflies, butterflies, flowers, grapes, honeysuckle, Wisteria, and so much more. It also has snakes and wasps too but we try to ignore them. The amount of Cardinals that land in my back yard with other birds is truly staggering. Our little happy zoo makes me always think of Jude and Home. Jude would have loved to pet the goats. I can picture taking his hand and rubbing his fingers across their fur as he laughed. He would have loved the chickens and the rooster crowing. I am not sure the nurses would have liked Jude laughing at "Gregory Peck" crowing at 5am but Jude would have loved it. As big as the pig is Jude would have loved his snorting and the dogs with their ever licking tongues would have sent him into a thousand giggles. 

Right before the pandemic hit the continuous rain made our outside stairwell collapse. Ironically this stairwell led to the very room I keep most of Jude's memento's except those around the inside of our home. At first I felt a little panicked I couldn't get to them but I realized we would indeed get it fixed. Then the pandemic hit and out contractor had to quit. We went more than a year and finally it's being fixed. The stairs will be on the East side of our home. I have been oddly excited about this but I guess it's because I worked to be able to afford this and it's a stairwell back to Jude. 

So that's a quick update of the many months that have passed between my last blog. In the end my heart just very much aches to hold this adorable boy again, see his smile, and smell his fragrant hair. He is forever my little penguin. I am so grateful for my gorgeous daughter, my loving husband, and all those around me. Thank you for you ever enduring patience with my many anxiety issues, my grief, and my lack of patience. Thank you to everyone who sent all they did today for #ididitforjude. To sweet little newborn Jackie, who made her entrance to the world today, I hope you are as bright of a beacon for your parents as Jude was for us. I have no doubt that you will be and thank you for spreading some light on this day that was always so sad. You and your parents are a true blessing. 

Hey Jude..........We Miss You.