Only Love

I am sitting here a bit conflicted about what to write but I know I want to blog. This week I shared a post on my Facebook about how some American's don't treat the grieving in the proper manner. If you missed that post you can catch this poignant information at the following link:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-e-steinke/stifled-grief-how-the-wes_b_10243026.html

I do believe that we have a stigma attached to our society regarding grief and how people process those feelings. Social Media has introduced a new gateway to grief that some friends/family may feel uncomfortable with. We the grieving find people deleting or hiding us because they cannot handle the seemingly negative posts when those helpless unhappy feelings are a part of the actual grieving process. It's those that can handle the angry, unhappy, sometimes thoughtless behavior that make it to the other side with us. I am lucky that the majority of people surrounding us have been very understanding. 

If you read in the article it seems that year 2 is the hardest.........not year 1. Shocking to the reader but not shocking to the person living through the loss. We have swarms of amazing people lacing our sides right after we lose someone we love but we still need those people when the seemingly normal life returns. I personally can admit I went back to work to soon. This was my sense of duty as a woman torn between there for my family emotionally and being there for my family financially. I should have taken more time off. However I think I have done pretty well except for the occasional freak out where I must leave because I am feeling overwhelmed. My work has been very understanding. I guess the advice I can give is to allow yourself time to properly grieve. If you don't then you are not benefiting yourself, your family, or your work place. Sometimes I sit here wondering how people can think I am actually normal when I want to scream with ever fiber of my being. I want everyone to know that my son is DEAD and it makes me so very angry!! Then other times I remember how incredibly sick he was and I am just thankful for the time I had with him. We still take things day by day and I am sure we will for a long time. Some moments life seems to be moving forward and then there are those where we feel lost. We are ready to move from our house and work on a new project. We are hoping this finally starts to happen for us.

I had a dream last night that I was in Orlando with several of my friends. We were standing against a wall near Disney when someone opened fire and I turned to my side. I felt bullets hit me and I woke up. This morning I turned on the TV and saw the shocking news of the terror attack. I know my dream was only a coincidence but I was breathless. I started to cry thinking of those poor parents and how they will get the news their child has died. How family members will have to plan funerals and how much hate floods our world. I am thankful Jude never knew any type of hate and only love. I wish we could all know only love.