So I am telling them now how very sorry I am for their loss and how sorry I am to all the parents who have to bury a child. I have been there. I have watched my child die and I have sat there moments later in shock wondering what to do and what to say. I have gone to get in my bed at night wondering how to sleep and how the world continues to turn. I have gotten up the following morning knowing I had to make arrangements and not knowing if I could follow through with them. I have walked into a funeral home knowing I had to pick out a tiny casket and make decisions no parents should ever make. I have walked a cemetery in the thick humidity scoping to find the perfect piece of land to place my son in. I have walked into a church that had a tiny casket placed in front that I knew held my sons little broken body. I have suffered a horrible panic attack before walking with the family to our assigned seats for my sons final goodbye. I have had to comfort others through my time of grief because my sons loss was so great. I have lovingly read every single card and tribute that people wrote to me in a grief induced fog but took in every word to my heart. I have questioned if I could have done more to save my child but realized there just wasn't anything that could be done.
I have looked at headstones and had to make decisions about colors, stones, and verbiage. I have picked the perfect picture to memorialize my son forever etched in the stone for years to come. I have had to go back to work when my entire world has crashed to take care of other people's needs when I can barely take care of my own. I have had nights where I drown my sorrows in wine only to feel like walking hell the next morning. I have had days that seem amazingly good for a change and in an instance a familiar word or thought brings me to tears. I have had to remind others that although life goes on grief never ends and a parent never gets over the loss of their child. I have had to find my voice and speak up when I feel something bothers me or the wrong words are spoken.
I can tell you that the upcoming days will be terrible and the grief is overwhelming. I beg you to find comfort in your marriage and hold on to your partner but let them have space to grieve as well. When the flowers start to die, the food begins to disappear, and everyone returns to their lives you will find a new extension of family. You will find a new club that you never wanted to be a part of and that's other parents that have lost their children. There are groups out there including one I am a part of with parents expressing what you are feeling but you might not be able to voice. Just knowing someone can relate is sometimes a bit of comfort.
It's heart breaking and horrible. You will feel like your heart may stop beating from the sheer pain of grief but it somehow keeps going on. In your child that lives you will find a bright light or salvation and hope. They say time heals all wounds but with the death of a child time just reshapes grief into something more manageable. Know this is about you and your loss right now and no one else so take the time you need. I feel there is no restriction on grief when losing a child from days, months, or years. It's about your healing and those that truly care for you will understand that.
Know we are here for you when you are ready. Your kindred spirits who cannot understand what you are going through fully but can relate and we are devastated for you. From all across the globe we are sharing our love and cry for you.
1 comment:
So heartfelt. ❤️
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