Sunday, September 21, 2008

Weekend Update

I am currently watching the Cowboys beat Green Bay and that makes me HAPPY! Let's hope they continue to do so which I believe they will! Anyway, I am very sad Travis Barker was in a plane crash...what a tragedy! He will be ok they say...... he is my favorite drummer, and I had to run and tell Mike when I heard the news. So my dad and Kay stopped by tonight, and they were playing with Jude when I looked over and realized his head still looks tiny to me. I have every confidence he will be ok, but again I cannot help but wonder because of the images the medical staff stuck in my head. Jude is in the 10th percentile on his head right now which I believe is still ok. Well that's what the neurosurgeon said, but the pediatrician said he is in the 25th percentile. My understanding is that as long as he is not under 1 percent he is ok. I have researched microcephaly prior to his delivery, and that's what I had read. I know that there are children that are diagnosed with this issue who are still fine and live normal lives. Then there are children that are diagnosed that aren't so lucky. I know their faces continue to grow, but their skulls do not and therefore they have a small head. They generally have a receding forehead and wrinkled scalps too. I look at Jude and think he is perfect!!! I am his mom though and reality sets in that if he does have issues everyone else won't think he is perfect which could create problems for him later in life. I guess if there is something wrong we will just teach him to have the best self esteem possible, to never give up, and to always push himself to go as hard as he can. Emily and Mike adore Jude too so he has a very loving family. Now I am not a person that believes speaking about something makes it true. I believe it is just my way of sorting emotions, thoughts, and issues out so I don't bottle up my feelings. I BELIEVE he is normal and he is beautiful....which he is! Like I have said in previous blogs when Em was born she weight 7lbs 13 ounces and had a 13 inch head. He is currently 8 lbs (with clothes on) and has over a 13 inch head so I think he is normal. We know he has some issues..........WE KNOW that there is no denying it so basically it's just waiting. Have I mentioned I hate waiting?? I take the backroads because I hate traffic! I hate lines, I hate being on hold, just grrr. Maybe this is Gods way of teaching me patience. So I go on with life everyday and I LOVE LOVE being here with my son. I love holding him, singing to him, feeding him, and loving him. I love watching Emily with him too. Yet I struggle with thoughts that enter my head at odd times and in odd places. I struggle with not knowing up front what the future holds for us........but I guess no one knows. There are parents who think everything is perfect with their babies, and at 6 months realize their child just isn't sitting or smiling like others do. Then they proceed down the rocky path we have already been through, and have hence packed hiking shoes for. I guess one can always question what is fair in life, but there really aren't any answers to that question. I lost my mother, lost a boyfriend, and went through many other tribulations in my lifetime. I would think I could catch a break, but maybe there is a reason this happened. Maybe it was to make this blog, maybe it was to educate a medical community about emotions, or maybe it was just to love a little boy and girl with all my heart despite what lies ahead. I would like to post on here that I don't struggle with my feelings, and I am 100% confident. I am afraid I can't though, and I have to admit that I do cry sometimes and still wonder. I guess that's normal though. Well I have laid Em's clothes out for tomorrow, the baby is dressed for bed, and I need a bath! Talk to you tomorrow
Also, I am wanting to get away for awhile. We really cannot do much because of me staying home, bills, etc. Em has a trip with her school and we are thinking we may follow behind. I think it will be a good thing for us. We have family in that area and I am sure we can stay with them.

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