My darling friend Fleck saves up all her great gossip magazines for me to oogle after she is done with them. She recently dropped off an arm full, and I have been slowly making my way through them. Let's glance at the Lifestyle May 10th issue. It caught my attention because it seems they could tell me how to get a bikini body by Memorial Day. Since we are past memorial day, I thought..... let's shoot for the 4th of July. Earlier today I was looking at my pictures from two years ago and felt a twinge sadness. My friend Linda assured me that I am still skinny, but I still sighed at the pictures of my tiny thighs, and little butt, so I felt this article was sent with purpose. Here it is was below my nose, THE secret to being scrumptious again.
I began to read the article with intensity. Eat more, lose more. Work out more, lose more. 20 minutes of high intensity training, combined with fat burning resistance exercises, and nutritional eating. Now I got annoyed, well no joke darling Kim Kardashian.........if I had the time to work out I WOULD. I worked out religiously prior to having a child with special needs, but now I barely have time. Twenty minutes now equates to one amazing bubble bath for me, spending time with Jude, and well just relaxing. If I had my own personal chef to fix me tasty white fish combined with fabulous salads......then I would be tiny too. If I could afford my own personal trainer then I guess Lifestyle would be visiting me on the beach dressed on my "Revenge bikini" too. Right now they are not beating down my door, I wonder why? Their loss!
What really killed me was the comment, "I recommend getting a spray tan and one great bikini wax" WITH WHAT MONEY?. Thank you Mrs Parker, but if I have time to get a pedicure then my word I am destined for the red carpet. A bikini wax? Really? All I have to say is thank you Schick for providing me with my cheap tools to do the job of a $100 Brazilian wax. Plus, there isn't a spray tan place around my house, I guess I could use my husbands spray rig? Don't even get me started on the "can you guess the beach bum" page. The one you labeled "Our advice, Less American Pie, more squats for this actress". Really? Honey if her a$$ looks like she has been divulging in Apple Pie, then mine looks like a Texas hail storm just passed through.
Let's not leave out their amazing menu they left us to follow. It starts with fill two low fat free whole tortillas with 1 scrambled egg, salsa, etc in the morning. Really? I have been up since 4am. Who the heck is going to offer to make these for me, cause honey I am not making them. I will opt for the low fat Turkey D'lights in the frozen food section that takes 1 minute to cook. Not sure what is in them, but I can afford them, and they seem healthy. I only wish I could keep up with our local farmers market, by both traveling to get their, and afford the produce. Not to mention their "Oatmeal sprinkled with two tbsp of walnut, and sweetened with Truvia. What the crap is a Truvia? It sounds like an aunt I used to have.
Look I am all for being healthy. I was once so tiny that my friend, and I received an invitation to the Playboy party at Treasure Island in Vegas. Not only were we invited, but we ended up getting Playboy passes to every major attraction in Vegas. It was an amazing experience, and one I will always treasure. Although, I felt like something was missing. People did not like me for who I was, rather they liked only what they saw. You know what I love? That no matter how I look, my husband thinks I am the most gorgeous creature to walk to Earth. I have learned that I won't ever be "large", and will always be healthy, but I don't have to be bikini worthy. Life is worth so much more than bikini's, personal chefs, airbrush artists and more. So find your true inner self whether they be tiny, medium, or large, and embrace yourself for who you are. Love yourself, and be kind to yourself. I have the hardest time..........with being kind to myself.
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