Thursday, June 3, 2010

A graduation, the future, and some realizations.

So I have a lot to say in this blog, so let's see if I can gather my thoughts. I have been struggling and stressing out since last week because I had a job opportunity presented to me. Let me clarify that I love where I work. It's close to home, it's familiar to me, and I have many people insured here that I now consider friends, and not just clients. My boss is pretty lenient with me, and understanding. Although, I do not currently have any retirement, and this scares me. So this job offer was unexpected, and it was really everything I have wanted to do. It was in claims, it had full benefits, and it was a no brainer. However, I stressed out because I am very loyal to people I work for, and I didn't like the idea of change. I also worried because the position would be so far away from home. Not only was it a long distance, they could require over time, and some Saturdays. So after a lot of confusion, concern, and high stress days..... I decided to stay where I am at. If the position were closer to home then I would have considered it further, but it's 44 miles way! In addition it was just to much to take on right now along with the nurse stress. I decided that there is something to be said for being close to home, knowing your job, knowing your customers, and having time off. My goal is to now figure out some way to save for retirement without a pension. If I plan on staying here, I must think ahead for my family.

Anyway, no one likes to think about financials unless they work on wall street so let's move on. Jude was up again this morning at 4am, and somehow he wiggled his little butt into bed with us again. Once he was in bed with us he was sprawled out, arms up, and asleep. Why does it seem like all children can somehow find their way into your bed, and proceed to give you the most uncomfortable nights sleep? If my shoulder could talk about all the nights Jude has been with us, you would hear some stories for sure.

So today Mike and I were talking at lunch about my said job issue above, and the said nurse issue. During our conversation Mike mentioned that Jude was having one of his "hold me" days, and would not allow Mike to put him down. If Mike does put Jude down then Jude gets so upset he turns blue from crying, contorts his body strangely, and normally winds up in a seizure. This isn't your typical, "don't spoil the baby" by holding him issue. I asked Mike if he thought this was a phase Jude would grow out of, or if this is something we will deal with for the rest of his life. I honestly thought Mike was going to cry, because he got very quiet. He started telling me how the future is something he worries about every single day. He pointed out that Jude would be his issue when he got older, and not mine. He didn't mean that rudely, he was just pointing out that my back can barely withstand Jude's weight now, much less when he is 16 years old. He said that his mother, and others always tell him, "everything will get better". He then said something very poignant, "Sometimes in life, things DON'T get better, you just adapt". We love Jude with all our hearts, but it's a very real possibility we will always be carrying him, changing him, and lifting him into bed. It's a future we were not planning on having, but it is very much staring us in the face. His word "adapt" was the perfect description of a life with Special Needs. Your heart is so full of love for your child that you are very willing to "adapt".

Last night was Emily's 5th grade graduation. My little munchkin is going to middle school, and I am near tears. Emily received a community service leader award last night, and received her little certificate of completion. They didn't have a normal "graduation", it was more of a congratulatory ceremony. The presentation was very important to her last night, and she was beaming with pride. The teachers took time to recognize each student letting us know their favorite memory of fifth grade, what they want to be when they grow up, and what they learned this year. I learned that I am very grateful for teachers that not only teach my child, but love her for who she is. I will miss her elementary school very much!

Here is a picture of my little beauty with her best friends.
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I am going to leave you with a bridal portrait Mike did of our beautiful friend Hayli. Mike is starting out on his photography business, and seems to be doing well. I hope this will take off for him, and give him the much needed boost he has needed.
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Candace said...

I know that must have been a tough decision for you, Jenn. I don't think I could have taken it either. Too many what if's! I also know how hard it is to deal with those realities of our children. Somehow you will learn to deal with it and it will be second nature. Hugs from SC, my friend!

Jacqui said...

That is a great photo that Mike took.

I think the only reason why I can work is because we work for ourselves. There isn't an employer in my field that would understand my circumstances. And having now worked for myself for 3 years, i couldn't go back to working for someone.

As for Jude always being carried. So will my Moo. He can't stand. He can't weight bear and the grim estimation by the medical professionals is that he never will. At the grand old age of six, I am looking into hoists for our future. That is the way we adapt.