Sunday, March 14, 2010

New medication, and sleepless nights.

Jude, and I both seem to have, "jet lag" in regards to the recent time change. I am still awake, and he is being Mr. Grumpy in his bed. I can hear him fussing at his Aquarium that hangs in his bed, but I know he will be alright. He keeps making yelps in hopes that I will pick him up, but he isn't truly upset, he is just fighting sleep. Jude seems to have done very well with his first initial dose of the Felbatol. He was a little more clam, but other than that there was really no drastic changes. I understand he will have to have the medication level built up in his system before we can know the true effects it will have on him. I have entered the mode of thinking this medication will be positive for Jude, and will further increase his development.

So today was a bit emotional for me for various reasons, but still a good day. We did indeed make it to Jude's friend Frankie's birthday party. Frankie has special needs as well, so they have become buddies via the Internet, and other close friends. We didn't know very many people there so I tried to chit chat, and soon it was time to go pick Emily up from her dad. So I left with "Thank yous", and a gracious attitude. It was Em's dads weekend, and we try to meet halfway so he doesn't have to drive all the way out to us. Once I picked Em up she informed me that her dad was soon going to introduce her to his "girlfriend". She then said his girlfriend is only 25, with long black hair, and very tall, "all the things she didn't want". I replied, "Emily, she isn't me, so her hair may be a different color, and for all you know she may be an exceptional lady that you will really like". She said I was right, and that she hasn't even met her yet. I guess despite how happy children are in their current blended marriages, they still hold a picture of their original parents in their mind, and it's hard to let go of that picture perfect family.

So I said I experienced many emotions today, and I was telling the truth. The birthday party, made me realize Jude's disabilities in blazing glory, but when we got home I realized he is still my Jude. He snuggled close to me as I rocked him, and he would just lay quietly on my chest. He is in his own way an adorable little person who is very happy. I also met several foster children of Frankie's sister, who were adorable. That led me to thinking about all the children who really need love in the world, and if you search the foster sites, you will understand what I mean. I was almost a factor of the foster care system, so I know first hand that there are many deserving children out there that just need a hug, and someone to care for them. It makes me sad there are so many children in the world in rough situations.

So the final factor. Friday night I had a Scentsy party at a friends house. First of all let me thank my wonderful friends, and family for supporting me with Scentsy. I have had many people ask how to help us, and I have just asked them to thrown a Scentsy open house, and they have complied. We are finally getting back on our feet, finally getting our savings back, and finally standing tall. So anyway, I met my friends adorable daughter who just turned two years old. She was so cute, running around getting into all my boxes, and handing each scent to me to put out on the table. She would say, "Here ya go" each time she handed me one of my scent jars. I watched her eat her food with her fingers, walk on her own, and play with all her toys. I wasn't upset, I was adoring her, because she was so cute. It made me remember what I have mentioned before, that Mike, and I planned to have another child after Jude. I was wishing we could have a girl, but I would have been happy for another little boy too. So on top of watching her for the first time, Mike mentioned he had wanted another child too. He then mentioned he STILL wants another child, and not because Jude isn't normal, and not just because of the cord blood we want, but just because..........hmmmmm. Could my body withstand another? Could our finances catch up in a couple of years to think this is a possibility? Would it be good to have another child join our family? Just in case? Or just because? Who knows. It's always been something fluttering around in my mind. There is the want, but there is also a part of me that doesn't want to go through having another child just in case something does go wrong. Plus, I want to make sure Emily has enough money for college. So again, it's just a thought that passes through my mind sometimes, and now I know Mike's mind too.

*** I put asterisks here because I had stopped typing last night with the above paragraph because Jude had woken up angry again. It was about 12:30 before I got to bed. I then was woken up by Jude at 3:15, and we didn't get him back down until 6am. They said insomnia is a side effect of this drug, but would it happen that fast? On top of that I was so sick to my stomach this morning, probably from giving another seafood place a try, when I shouldn't have. BLEH! I am hoping I make it through the day at work today. Jude's nurse is at the house for 8 hours today, so he will be well watched. She is monitoring his vitals, and administering his medication this morning. Forgive my emotional rant last night, I was just tired. Although, I did promise to always share my feelings and be truthful.


Candace said...

Jenn, I am sure that is a heart wrenching fence to sit on...been there myself. I, too, have sat at birthday parties and kicked myself for going b/c the differences were so stark. Actually we have some close family friends who have not invited us to either of their kids parties last year or this year. It was so painful to be there, I was miserable and always left early. I guess they either got mad and didn't understand or felt pity for me and didn't understand...who knows. I can't say I am sad about it, though. I am just to sensitive in this dept.... I sure hope Jude gets some relief from his seizures with this new med...

mom2nji said...

oh hun, its so hard not to compare our kids with special needs to other kids. As Noah gets older it doesn't bother me as much.
As for having another... I am of the thinking that God will provide. If I stopped after Noah because he was special needs, I would not have my other fabulous kids!