Friday, October 23, 2009

Morning Morning

I have a free moment so I thought I would post an update. Lately, I feel like I have so many errors in my blog because I am constantly busy at work, or home. I went to see my family who arrived from Springfield last night, and we enjoyed some great jambalaya my cousin made. She is an incredible cook, and I think we were all stuffed from the wonderful dinner. We talked a lot about their chocolate factory in Missouri, Jude, Emily's Smile boxes, and more. My aunt held Jude for a long time, and I think she enjoyed it. We all talked about how great it is that he was turning his head towards people when they called his name. This was all great, but his disabilities were also blazingly obvious to me last night. I can tell you that from a parental stand point his disabilities do not matter because I love him regardless. Emotionally though they do matter because I hurt wanting him to be able to do what everyone else does.

I sometimes have to reel my emotions back in, and realize that Jude probably doesn't realize what he can and cannot do. It's for me that I want him to be normal, not for him. I have to in essence kick myself in the tail as a sharp reminder that Jude is perfectly happy being loved and cared for, he needs little more. My husband always says that its the parents pursuit of normalcy that normally ends up terminating children like Jude. We search for medical interventions, or more instead of just accepting our children the way they are. Sometimes I believe he is probably right. So I guess it's a constant struggle of having emotional turmoil you deal with while your heart is just telling you to let it all go. I remind myself to pursue the therapy, accept my life, and move on with everything knowing is will be challenging, but rewarding. When I see his little smile I just know he is a happy baby.

This weekend I have Emily's game, and my friend Sarah's baby shower, but tomorrow I am sleeping in. I am sleeping until I cannot sleep anymore, and I know Jude will be there with me. He loves sleeping next to me on the weekend, and will rarely make a peep.


Candace said...

Jenn, it's true we do that as parents. As Jude gets older you will gain experience and more expertise and acceptance to a degree. I remember those same feelings with Faith. Now that she is older and we can see things more "globally" I have a slightly different perspective. Just keep doin' what your doin' momma!

Caroline said...

I could have written that second paragraph myself !!!
Enjoy your lay in. I just love laying in bed with Hope too, though she gets noisy after a while because she wants a change of scenery
much love as always