Sunday, October 18, 2009

Hope.......and dreams

Years, and well years ago when I was just a child I had such big dreams of what my adult life would be like. I dreamt of becoming a Vet where I would tend to the needs of sick animals, and I would whisk them back to health with a swift touch of my hand. I dreamt of a lavish white wedding with twinkling lights, and even more than your happily ever after. I dreamt of three smiling children, never worrying about money enrolled in every extra curricular activity they wanted to be in. I always dream of a closet bigger than my living room filled with everything you can imagine. Selfish huh? We all know that our dreams take on new colors when faced with reality, and the reality we encounter is laced with lessons. My lesson was material possessions never matter!

Although never dreamt of luxury vehicles, my family vehicle in my dream never had a handicap sticker hanging off the mirror. I never dreamt of ramps leading a pathway to my house, or having to convert my dining room for a disabled child. Never in my dreams was I trying to figure out how I could get my current "upside down" vehicle out of my sight so I could invest in a .........sigh........minivan to house a wheelchair. I never did........ but I should have, those words ring in my ears........ I should have. I should have realized that life rarely hands you what you dream. Why would I think I was exempt from experiencing any type of pain? Yet it's not really me that is experiencing it.........it's Jude. In my young dreams I never heard my husband say "I love my son so much, I really do. I would love to have a baby that can walk, and talk, but I don't think I would appreciate that baby as much as Jude, I just don't........because everything Jude accomplishes is such a triumph." No I guess I never would have heard that in my young dreams, but I am so thankful I heard that phrase this weekend. I have learned to dream in a new way, with new circumstances. I dream of Jude walking, and I get teary at versions of Extreme Home Makeover that show a fallen officer learning how to walk again. Because of Jude I have an amazing appreciation of Life that I never had before, and I am thankful. Because of him I know what that officer is experiencing, and what an amazing accomplishment he has made.

There are times I feel so lonely that I could crawl in a small ball, and never unravel. I am not perfect by any means, and I sometimes feel like I am falling apart. Each day I drag myself out of bed to go to work, but luckily it's a good place. I also pick myself up to work on the project of Scentsy that I so believe it. I pray, I hope, I plan, and I believe. Yet I talk about myself a lot on this blog, and I realized tonight that it's not me, it's Jude. What triggered this? I watched him try to crawl tonight, and I remembered what hope truly is!!!




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7 comments:

Preemie Miracle said...

Ok. So I read your blog and rarely comment. I have a son with Cerebral Palsy from a brain bleed AFTER birth from prematurity. Some days the lonely days are to much. Its wear that you get use to a certain things or desire certain things. It is something that only another mom with a special kiddo would get. You are doing awesome. You are doing so much for your sweet baby! keep up the good works!

Nancy Brown

prematuritywithlove.blogspot.com

Bronx Cataldo's said...

You are right, We have all dreamed of the house with the white picket fence and the holidays in far away places and the newest and best car parked in the driveway. Never did we dream we would be walking the path are walking on now. I think we have all been in that dark lonely hole thinking no one knows how I feel. But its our child who has made us walk this rollercoster path that's the one person that can pull us out of that dark lonely hole. by just a smile, a wave, a noise or by keeping a bottle down and not throwing up half of it on us. Sometimes the smallest things they do are for us the biggest and greatest things in ou eyes and they make us proud that we are their Mammys and Daddys.

Katy said...

Jude is going to accomplish soooo much--just wait and see. And yes, I do think our special children give us a totally different view of life.

~Amy Rose said...

Jenn...I am brought to tears with this post. I will never truely understand what you must be feeling and going through, but I do know that you are an amazing soul and that Jude and Emily are so blessed to have you as their Mommy. HUGS!!!
Amy

Phil 4:13

Candace said...

Jenn, What a touching post. I really loved it! The things you said were so true. My favorite is about the minivan. I am wrestling with the same decision and it is killin' me! We, parents, of special children definatly have a different outlook on life, our children, strength and love

mom2nji said...

Jen,
I know just what you mean. None of my dreams included a child with autism and mental retardation. Nor did they include struggling so damn much. Even with my struggles, I can't begin to understand yours. I think you are incredibly strong and a wonderful mother. You are a great parent to both of your kids and that shows in how Jude is beating the odds and with what a fantastic little lady Em is!
Hugs

Midwest Mommy said...

Great post. Not only does it help others who are going through what you are but it teaches people who have no clue what it must be like so much too.