So last night when I got home I cooked dinner, picked up the house some, and spent some time with Em. When it was time for Emily to go to bed, Mike and I went to watch the movie "Reign Over Me" that he had recorded for us. It stars Don Cheadle, and Adam Sandler and is based on a man that lost his family in the 9/11 tragedy. If you have seen this movie you may be able to relate to my spew of emotion I am about to give you. I know some people say they don't want to be subjected to sad movies, but in my opinion this movie isn't a choice it should be necessary watch! Oh, and it's not just a tear jerker it's a.... my eyes are still swollen this morning movie. I have never been more moved by a single piece of cinema ever! You can look online and find the general premise so I am not giving anything away. Basically Adam Sandler lost his entire family in one of the planes on 9/11. He was devastated and just couldn't deal with his loss, and therefore goes a bit insane. Well okay ... he goes very insane. If you have ever experienced any type of major loss in your life you cannot watch this movie without relating to wanting to flip out for a bit. I lost my mom when I was young, lost a boyfriend at 16, lost both my grandparents I grew up with, etc. Although throughout my losses as dark as my sadness was I never felt unable to handle any of it. Jude's news though was very tough. It has been hard to describe to people that have never dealt with a special needs child, or a possible loss of your child how I was feeling. There are times I have wanted to just sit down and give up. There are times when dealing with doctors, paperwork, financials, Judes safety, and more that I just want to throw my arms up. In the end though this would never be an option for me because you just have to keep going. I looked at Mike last night and told him that people always tell me that God won't give you more than you can handle. Losing my entire family would be the breaking point for me. I understood how this guy could lose it because that's the one thing I wouldn't make it through.
Anyway, so there was a point where Adam Sandler said the following quote; "I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures... 'cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her... on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face... clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you. I get that you're in pain, but you got each other. You got each other! And I'm the one who's gotta see her and the girls all the time. Everywhere I go!" It's a different scenario, but I looked at Mike and said "I get it now. That's how you said you feel about Jude when you look into little boys faces running down the street". Mike had mentioned before how he sees Jude in other children. After saying that to him Mike started crying, and soooooooooo I cried too! We finished our bawl fest watching the movie, and I let Mike know how appreciative I was he recorded this movie. I explained that as hard as it was to watch, it reminded me how grateful I am for the family we have. Jude may never be normal, he may not make it to old age, and our journey will probably be difficult. Although we have each other, and we have him. He is alive when many children with issues don't make it. Em is with us too, and we have a solid family so I am very thankful for that.
Then through my tears and sniffles we went off to bed. We did wake up to Jude having a seizure this morning so Mike brought him into bed with us. I then moved him back to his bassinet at some point, and when I got up for work he was laying there looking at me. I picked him up cooing at him and I actually got a little smile! It was a sweet smile.