Well it's Sunday.. the day we normally watch the Dallas Cowboys in such anticipation of a win that we fall down on the floor screaming if they lose. Well ok........it's not normally THAT bad unless.... it's Tony Romo fumbling the ball in the playoffs, and decides to run to the end zone for the winning touchdown, but doesn't make it. That play honestly makes me cringe every time I see it!!!! Yet today it was a bi-week so we were not glued to the TV watching our boys in Blue. Therefore we spent a family day out together, and it was very nice except for Emily being very moody. I explained to her that when someone is grumpy, yelling, and hateful it rubs off on everyone else and creates a negative atmosphere. My point was made when Mike got in the same mood when a neighbor called saying one of Mike's Jack russell terrorists had pulled a Houdini and escaped again. I turned to Emily and said, "See how someone being grumpy rubs off on you". She said "I definatley understand mommy!" lol
Jude has been very good all weekend, and his hydrocele issue does not seem to be botherinh him. I will have to call his doctor tomorrow to see if I need to see him next week with Jude, or take a trip out to Cooks. I looked at Mike earlier and said , "Despite being positive reality says there is a possibility this could be one of many trips to Cooks. We are lucky to be so close to a fabulous hospital". Luckily, Jude is still not displaying any signs of seizures which we are very thankful for. It is my understanding that seizures can sometimes be hard to spot in babies. I was worried that was happening because he has been arching his back, and shaking his right hand while screaming. Although, from what I have read a seizure will create the same issues on both sides of the body, and moving the baby will not cause them to stop. If I move Jude he will stop arching. I had a long conversation with a friend of my cousins at the party she had this weekend. Her daughter was born with mild spina bifida, and she had NO idea she was going to be born that way. She said she is actually very happy they didn't have any idea because even though you say "I will never terminate" you never know until you are in that circumstance, and determining someones fate. I told her it was nice to have someone that understood to talk to. She said it's the waiting that is the worst thing, and I agreed 100%! I told her at Jude's age it's really a guessing game, and she said she thought the same thing when her daughter was tiny and is still like that now that she is older. Plus, with the issues our kids have if they start displaying problems there is no "going back", or "fixing it" it's only dealing with the situation from here on out. Yet you do this because that's your child and you love them dearly. Mike told her that he watched a show on kids with tourets whose parents decided to have their children even though they knew in utero the child could have serious problems. He mentioned there was one girl that during being interviewed started having an episode, and afterwards she burst into tears and mentioned she wished she had never been born. Mike teared up in front of them and just simply said "I know I made the right decision for ME I just hope I made the right one for him so he doesn't hate me." That sentence to me speaks volumes and sums up what our struggle has been like. Yes it's a child and we love them with all our heart, but we love accident victims that have no brain function left too. So we reach deep down and find our faith, and lately I have prayed and believed harder than I ever have. I struggled with blaming God, not believing, and just feeling empty. I was more spiritual than I was a christian, but now I truly believe God is watching over us. I prayed the other night HARD on the way to the ER telling him I am DONE and that the bible says he would never give me more than I can handle and I am at my max. He listened because he knew I was serious this time. I am a very strong woman and I know it, but I was broken. I needed a weekend of being put back together again like humpty dumpty, and luckily they were able to put me back together again...lol. By the way a BIG thanks to Kel for offering to pick Jude up every day to ease my stress...what a sweet offer...it made me tear up.
Anyway, I also talked to my cousins brother in law who I found out USED to work for the same company I do now. Although he was an adjuster not an agent. I actually had my adjuster license, and I have thought long and hard about going into claims. He said he quit that company "because....because..........because........." (he was stalled). I said "Because they are on the customers "side" but not the employees". He looked at me surprised then smiled and said "You took the words out of my mouth!!!". I said "Well I work for an agent that truly cares for me and I like him, but you think the company knows I have been with them for almost 15 years....um they could give a sh**! The sad part is I have been there SO long I remember the old owners and they always included all the employees not just corporates employees. There wasn't a separation of any offices". Anyway, I told him I liked my job, and he said he liked my agency and remembered us, but he also said you should be making more with your experience and you need to research claims. So maybe I will eventually, but there is something to be said for seniority, leniency, and Sarah! lol. Maybe it's a little bit post partum to blame for the reason I bounce back and forth on my job, or maybe it's just truly time for change and I don't want to proceed. As long as I can keep my co-worker and one of my best friends Sarah and her funny hubby Chadd in my life I will be happy.
By the way if I haven't told you Jude sleeps from 10-7 EVERYDAY! He is a wonderful wonderful baby! He smiles, coos, laughs, and today turned towards me when I called his name. We are blessed. I am also blessed that another little girl just came trotting downstairs to tell me I am the best mommy ever (big smiles)