Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday darling baby, happy birthday to you!
A year ago today your daddy, and I were checking into the hospital knowing we would hold you in our arms very soon. At about 5 months pregnant mommy was told there may be a problem with your tiny precious little brain. The doctors told us there was no guarantee if you would be normal, or have issues that would adversley affected your everyday life. Mommy and daddy went through a lot of emotions because sometimes that happens with adults. Sometimes we think that because we don't do naughty things we deserve to have everything easy in life, through hard lessons we find out that isn't true. We finally decided that no matter how you were born we would love you with our entire hearts, and nothing less.
After 12 hours the doctor handed you brand new into mommy's arms, and I loved you instantly. Even though you had just arrived, and not been cleaned I saw your daddy beam with smiles. We knew we had our baby Jude, and no one would ever take your place. Your sissy was so excited to see you, and her little face just shined when she held you for the first time. We were told that you looked 100% perfect, and we thought our prayers had been answered. Then three months later your tiny little body began to seize, due to the severe issues that horrible stroke caused in your brain. We rushed you to the hospital only to be given the most devastating news. A crew of doctors, social workers, and a pastors told us that your brain was not in "medical terms"... normal. We were derailed, and we felt at a loss. We heard the words brain bleed, schizencephaly, cp, and death. I am assuming that any time a person is told their child may not outlive them they feel....well, ripped off. Our thoughts turned from toys, rooms, cribs, and more to other issues that focused around therapy, and sickness. We were in and out of hospitals, and in and out of emotions from despair, to acceptance. I wondered how this could happen, and mommy questioned what she could have possibly done in her pregnancy to cause this issue, I felt so very guilty about something I never did. I bawled for hours wondering if I had missed a step, and hurt you somehow. Then I was angry Jude...I was angry! I walked through the world wondering why people didn't stop their lives for you. I honestly felt angry that people were able to move on with their lives when you may never make walk, or may never make it past early childhood.
Soon I began to know your little personality, and I began to see your tiny self shining through. I learned your smiles, your cries, and your needs. I began to realize that not all prayers are answered the way we expect them to be, but rather the way they were meant to be answered. For some wonderful reason you were given to our family, and I will forever be grateful. You have taught your darling sister how to be a compassionate, and a genuinely sweet individual. You have taught mommy that I am not always right, you have taught me patience, and that it's okay to let go sometimes. You have taught your daddy that even though you ask for a football player, you may be blessed with a life player.
I thank you for entering our lives, and I can only hope that I will be able to honor your life the way you have honored mine. It is my pleasure to take care of you Jude for as many years as you honor me with your presence. Thank you for all you have taught me this first year of you most miraculous life. I love you with all my heart and soul. You have made mommy a better person, and know I cherish every tiny snuggle you give me.
So as I sit here with my tears falling down my cheeks know they are tears of joy because you are in my life. Today is not about sadness, it's about blessings, love, and laughter!! I love you Jude, always and forever! Thank you darling boy for just being YOU!
I want to thank everyone that has read and followed our blog since before Jude was born. Thank you for sharing in our heartache, and our joys. I have been touched by emails from people personally close to us, and strangers/new friends, as far away as China. I want to thank our friends, family, and strangers for their prayers, and continued hopeful thoughts for Jude. I also want to thank my husband for his never ending support, and love when I needed it the most, baby I know this year has been so hard. I love you with all my heart.
Many thanks to my friends never ending line of shoulders, and tissues. When I try to be strong and make it through, you guys sit me down to reality, and feelings I need to face. Sometimes Mike and I are so tired, and sometimes we just want to be ourselves with tears flowing, and we thank you for listening.
Most of all I want to thank my Emily for walking up to her mom and patting me on the back and saying, "Mommy, just let the day go for awhile, everything will still be here tomorrow, I promise" and then offering me a huge smile. Then without another word she just hugs me, and in that instant I can let everything go. Thank you Emily you are without a doubt a little angel walking amongst us.
"Hey Jude!!!!!" ;) I scream it from the top of my lungs, "HEY JUDE", happy birthday baby!