Over the weekend I heard Mike talking to my friend Fleck about a show he saw about lotto winners who have become millionaires and then detached from their prior friends. They did this because they felt like they no longer shared any common interests. I began to think how selfish this was until I stopped and realized I probably fit in this category.... minus many millions of dollars. Oh what I would give for a mil!!! lol. I feel very detached from people I love and care about deeply because I know they can never truly understand Jude's situation. They cannot truly understand why I don't "pop" by anymore, why I don't call all the time, and why I don't include them in anything. They don't get why Mike and I stay home most of the time, why shopping with Jude is a fiasco, and why Em's pageants in a SINGLE hotel room without disturbance is a God send of serenity. Many friends I used to have already found their path without me and I honestly cannot blame them.
Most everyone I know get's it, but some just don't. I admit that I know have become very jaded, and thick skinned, and don't really care if people get it or not. That's a bold statement coming from someone that always cared to much about what people thought. Tonight Jude threw up SEVEN times.... just with me. Not to mention the countless times Mike and I held rags and suctioning equipment while Jude's feeding evacuated. I hate that I spend my nights with him this way. When the nurse is here I cradle Jude but I also take advantage of someone being here to watch him. So I HATE our nights are laced with such drama sometimes.
Jude is now resting peacefully in his bed but not before I said "I cannot do this anymore", which are never words I utter. I quickly got passed my hissy fit once I remembered that the poor kid doesn't want to throw up anymore than I want to clean it up. So I quickly checked myself. I held Jude closely and he quietly giggled under his breath as he fell asleep.
Tomorrow I start a diet and cleansing process. I will post updates on it. I normally eat healthy but I have strayed since my vacation. It's time to get myself in check....both mentally and physically.
1 comment:
I am sorry for what you are going through right now, and I hate that Jude is having these issues. I can remember when my daughter was his age and it seemed she was always sick. Sometimes with vomiting, alot of seizures,of all types,countless ear infections... We practically lived at Children's Hospital. I just couldn't relate to my friends as I once had and eventually lost touch with all of them. Many times I felt and said I could not do it anymore. That being said, my daughter improved greatly as she got older. I know things will improve so much for your family,in time. Jude is so precious. I pray for you and your family often. I love your blog, it has helped alot of special needs parents who feel lonely and isolated,I'm sure.
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