Thursday, May 1, 2008

Dr Payne update

We went to Dr Payne today at 3:45 which means we actually got in to see him about 4:45. I know I call him Dr Doom and Gloom but honestly he is a good doctor. He shoots from the hip and tells you his honest opinion. I hate being sad and I hate sitting here crying right now. I hate the fact there are women that do horrible drugs throughout their entire pregnancy and have healthy kids, yet I fret over a glass of wine I had given to me to calm my nerves today. I hate that I have to wonder why my life has never been easy, and neither it seems has Mike's. Anyway, the ventricles are about the same size from the MRI. Dr said that Jude's head measured a bit bigger than his last scan, but about the same from the MRI. Although, he said that he and DR Twickler just don't think this will have a "favorable" outcome. He talked to us about all our options and the types of couples he gets in his office. He said we fall into the category of a couple that really wants a child with all their heart so therefore wants more answers and more progress before "terminating". He said "that's understandable". He said he gets couples in that never really wanted to be pregnant in the first place, or have a type A personality and cannot handle anything being wrong so it's easy for those couples. He said in our case it's just a very hard decision what to do for the sake of our child and our sanity. He agreed with the neurologist that they just cannot know what what the severity of the issues will be but made clear there is in fact an issue. He said it doesn't look "good", but it could be mild. They just don't know at this point and by the time they do there is nothing he can do. We do know now this is an issue of hydrocephalus being caused by the thinning on the brain and not thinning on the brain being caused by hydrocephalus which is better. Doesn't mean the baby's brain cannot resolve these issues and heal itself. Does mean it could mean a major problem once he is born. So what do we have to look at? Can mike and I withstand a child with a serious problem? I say 100% yes we can. We love each other with all our hearts and will be with each other always. For a brief second tonight I looked at him in tears and said "what if you cannot look at me the same, and I am just a huge disappointment for not providing you a healthy child". I don't think that would ever be an issue though. Second question is financially.....financially can we handle a child with issues? We barely make it as it is. We have a good life, but we aren't rich ya know? I think life finds a way though and I always find a way. Poor Mike though is beating himself up over that fact even though I reassure him he is a good man! What about Em and how would it affect my little girl? She is strong though and I know that. She stayed at my cousins tonight though and as much as I love her I needed a night to cry. So where do we go from here you ask? If you know please pass me a note in math class because I am not sure. Actually, this is where we stand....we will go visit the neurosurgeon tomorrow. Now this is a neurosurgeon not just a neurologist. This is the main guy that would have his hands on Jude if he makes it. If he makes it........ I have a hard time wrapping my thoughts around that statement. We will then re-scan his ventricles next Friday. If they have increased in size....we know what the outcome will be.
I wonder if I didn't know about all this I said according to my OB her sonograms still look 100% normal. Would that be better? It wouldn't make it an easier finding out right before I deliver.... would it? It would be to late and we would have to deal with that situation. I am just confused and we don't know where to turn. It makes you WISH they had told you something was 100% wrong with your child. He also said if we do decide to terminate I have to go to a clinic in Dallas. I was stunned I sat there in shock looking at him with my mouth open. A clinic I thought... A CLINIC? Why not a hospital where I can feel peaceful and have a chance to hold my baby? Why so dry, and callous, and horrible? Is there no part of this that can be fair?? Why you ask? First, because the review board with our hospital wouldn't approve this because it is not a lethal issue for sure. Second, because my ob doesn't do them. So if a board won't approve it why should we even think about it? The dr pointed out that because it just doesn't look good. Yeah well lots of things don't look good in life but you make them work. So I guess we go from here to the appt tomorrow, and then another next Friday. Oh and we have until next Friday to make a decision. Can I live without this somehow resolving itself or maybe never having another child? I am sure I can, but it won't be good.
I have cried tonight I mean really cried for the first time. For some reason the tears started to fall on my way home and haven't really stopped they just fall. Poor Kel called and I picked up right in the middle of my drive home. She lost it too..... she has been funny calling to see if my "vital organs" are working, but tonight she just bawled with me. Kinda felt comforting having someone just bawl along with me. People say "I am worried about you" or "how are you". My answer.... I am ok, not ok, sad, happy, angry, positive, confused, I want my mom and I am lost . I am angry with GOD and shouldn't be!!!! I want more prayers and I want faith. I want to be off work but I want to keep working. I am a mess, but well held together with super glue. I wonder why on EARTH we are dealing with this. I want to fix my husbands heart, and I want to never lose anyone else again that I love. I tell myself that medical science doesn't know everything. I tell myself that someday I may look at my son grown and think ........ "and they thought he wouldn't be here". That's what I hope. That's what I believe.

Ps. I don't write this blog for sympathy. I write it for therapy and to show doctor's true raw emotions. So hopefully it doesn't offend anyone.

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