Breakdown

Well I just dragged my butt out of bed. I am sitting here typing this in my robe, and I am not really wanting to go to work today. The idea of dealing with ridiculous questions today sounds horrible. I slept awful last night, and Mike said I was even talking in my sleep. Then this morning he calls and tells me his ex girlfriend had a baby last night. 7lbs 9 ounce baby girl. I am happy she is healthy though and mom is doing fine. Just sad and jealous I cannot get the same thing. She sent a pic of the dad and baby. I guess it set in last night that this is probably not going to have a favorable outcome. If your brain isn't forming right then how can you have any quality of life? I think I am the only woman that sits in her bed and prays to miscarry. Doesn't seem fair that I would be put in the position of deciding to end this life. Someone asked me yesterday how much longer I have. I have been reluctant to tell anyone my due date so I just muttered August. He said "wow not much longer huh?". No not much longer, but according to the doctors it's still "early". Sure doesn't seem that way. I almost want to tell the baby to stop kicking me and moving because that just makes me sad. I think I am breaking down and I am not sure what to do. I want to hide in my house I know that. Anyway, I am calling dr payne today to see if they did a re-scan of his cortex on Friday. If they didn't I want one TODAY! Dr Twickler said it should have been done and mama here is running out of patience quickly. If they seriously expect me to make a decision by Friday I want all the damn facts and in front of my face. I am sick of me having to chase the measurements and answers. It's like Mike said last night "I feel like that office wrote this baby off a long time ago". I kinda get the same feeling. I respect all these dctrs because this is what they do, but it would be nice to leave with measurements, etc written down each time. It gives us more data to go from, and makes it easier to convey to another dctr if need be. So we will see what they say today and then the re-scan on Friday. I guess miracles do happen and we could go in and be told that things are starting to turn around. I guess there is always that slight possibility. Then again they may not and then what do we do? Do we suffer through this pregnancy have a child that may never have quality of life? Do we wait and see? Do we terminate and never have anymore? grrrrrrr! Last night someone mentioned how karma works in the world. I have been trying to figure out what I did? Maybe it was not being as good as I could have been to my grandma? I took care of her for a long time, but we clashed a lot. She and my grandfather raised me from 14 on, but she and I were more like sisters. I tried though and was just a kid taking care of an elderly person....can God forgive that? Maybe it was breaking my ex husbands heart for leaving? He was a good guy, but I just felt ignored and not happy. Still it hurt him. Maybe it's something I said bad about someone at some point? I try to be a good person I really do! I try to always think of others and be there for people. Maybe it's not enough? Mike says it's just random chaos and the law of numbers. I guess maybe he is right. If 1 more person tells me that God won't give me more than I can handle though............well let's just say I wouldn't say that right now. I am done and this is more than I can handle!