One Month

Yesterday was mothers day and although it was very difficult there were bright sides to the weekend. Mike and I drove to a friends lake house on Saturday morning. We had lunch and then went to look at some artwork. I like stained glass and I was drawn to a piece in the window at Your Private Collection Art Gallery. I wandered through the shop admiring all the items and ventured to their back room. When Mike and I came through the black curtain we were stunned at all the beautiful angels lining the wall. The scene took our breath away. I began concentrating on a blue angel just to the left of a large gold angel adorning the wall. We both began to cry and we felt we needed to explain to the attendant why we were shedding some tears. She then asked if she could get the artist Stacey Watkins and have her meet us and we agreed. We told the artist our story about Jude and the 777 information. She cried with us and said she would make sure that we were able to afford this piece and she did just that. 

I have had serious issues lately with having a very upset stomach and this hit me again on Saturday night. I told Mike I would rather just go home and be in my own bed. I was also missing Jude and wanted to get up to see him the next morning. So my loving husband drove me and the dogs all the way home at 11pm. On Mothers Day it was bittersweet but Emily did brighten my day by leaving me this message. She's an amazing kid. 

It was still hard and today is even harder today because it's been a month since Jude passed. I hate seeing my husband hurting and sometimes I still feel like I am going crazy. At times I feel more put together and like I am beginning to rise about the sadness a bit but then grief strikes again and I just want to go get Jude. NO work doesn't help so please quit saying that. I am pretty sure my stomach ailment in pancreatitis from all the stress but thankfully I know how to maneuver that at home thanks to Jude. I am on an all veggie juice diet today with lots of water. I am basically going to give my system a rest for the next few days and hope it clears up. If not that's when I will go to the doctor but again luckily I am pretty experienced in this situation. I think sometimes a lot of our health issues can be fixed with diet and extra water.  

So I have realized something. Looking back I was so close to Jude's situation that his illness and needs became a routine. I was so close to the situation that even though I knew he was ill I really didn't understand just how sick he was. Since he couldn't walk and could no longer tolerate the stander this just intensified his poor body breaking down.  Sometimes I think we are so close to our children's situations that we begin to focus on the medical versus the reality. Reality was Jude was a normal kid.......he was. He knew what you were saying, he smiled, he laughed, he wanted to play, and he loved Spongebob but he was sick. Take that in please he was a normal boy that was just sick due to a stroke. Strokes can strike anyone at any time so we just have to be grateful for our health. His little body and his lungs just couldn't go the distance ours could. So I know he is better off not struggling to breathe but our hearts hurt without him. 

So one month down..........one month closer as Mike says.