Sunday, May 1, 2016


I finally dreamt of Jude last night and I woke up almost giddy with excitement. In my dream I somehow found my way to wherever Jude is. It was like building a time machine but going forward at the same time. Emily was with me and so were a few other people. I remember seeing him and he was standing there quietly. I walked up to him and asked him if I could hold him and asked him to walk but he shook his head no. He didn't want to walk. So I gathered him in my arms and sat down with him like I normally would staring at his sweet face and he smiled. I began to happily cry and kissed his hair like I normally would and asked people to come look at his smile. It was peaceful.

We had a fairly decent weekend. Like I said before we stay busy so that helps immensely. We don't really make plans but we go with what feels right and that seems to help us. If we plan to much I have noticed that our patience run thin. Next weekend is mothers day...........I am not sure I can be here. We have a wedding of a dear friend we are suppose to attend but I am not sure I can be in my house next weekend. We may have to get away again to a cabin or something local. Tonight when we got home after having a decent day I suddenly just filled with rage and burst out in tears to Mike yelling, "I am SO angry!!" I think this caught him off guard. I am so ANGRY my child died and tomorrow I have to go back to work again. Then I calmed down took a breath and realized life is what it is and it could be worse. Whew, it's those moments that just overwhelm you that take over for a bit. Again, it's normal and common.

Tomorrow we start a new regime. I am signing up at the rec center to start working out again. I am not doing this for anyone else but me. I really don't care about my weight and Mike doesn't either but exercise is healthy. I also am stocking my fridge with healthy items. It's time to start cooking again and my few glasses of wine tonight will be a send off to the past seven years. It's time to get healthy again and move forward. We list our house this week and we have our eye on a little house in downtown Roanoke. I am not sure it will pan out but we are making plans non the less.

Emily is doing well. She misses Jude and she has lashed out a bit at school at people who are rude and unfeeling. Allan is back working but he misses us and we miss him. He texts us "Morning glory!" on the weekends so we will know he is with us. Candice (the night nurse) is working as well but I know she also misses Jude. Charlotte.........sweet Charlotte hasn't quite been ready to go back to work yet but she about to try. Jude was as much her baby as ours and without her Jude's health wouldn't have lasted as long as it did.

Mike said that soon he will start marking plans on a calendar and if we can make the items that's good and if not that's okay too.  He wants us to spend time together and I think that's important too. So we are making it. Sometimes like I feel like breath but we are making it.

I did get a statue for Jude's grave until we get the final headstone. We dropped it off today.

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