Well let me tell ya folks the fun never ends around this joint so strap on your stirrups and get ready for a ride. I come home today and Jude is a bit fussy, but he seems to be perfect when I am holding him. Em and I assume he is just missing mommy, and I truly believe that was the case regardless of the following story. Well Mike and I had noticed that for the last few days Jude's ummmmm testicles have gotten larger, and the left one VERY large today. We originally attributed this to the steroids that I had to take for the platelet issue. Today though when I went to change him I have a grape and a large walnut....uh oh this cannot be good. So I call Mike because I am not a guy and he says "OH MY!". Sigh....... so I call my cousin who had a son that dealt with a hernia, and she explains this could be a rather serious but fixable situation and need to get to the hospital. Hospital? I was never aware that testicular hernia's were that much of an emergency so now I begin to sweat I little. In addition to the swelling I also noticed there is a little discoloration to one of them. So I called the pediatricians after hour nurse, and I get told basically do not pass go and do not collect $200 and get my ass to the ER. I am now in full fledge panic! So i bundle Em up and drop her at my cousins, and Mike and I speed with Jude panic stricken to the ER. On the way I thought "enough........this is enough...I am officially broken...my body is tired, the stress is aging me, and Dear Lord I am turning all this over to you because I cannot handle anymore!". I then prayed for reprieve from our horrible luck, I prayed to break any awful curse, and I thought of karma. I pondered the word for a long time....karma........what does it mean? Is it repayment for hurting someone when you don't mean to? Is it life in general? I try to be a good person.........we all irritate people and lose friends, but what truly is karma. Maybe it's needing to set things straight by just saying to my ex husband "I am sorry I hurt you because if I could have resolved things without hurting you I would have." Maybe it's apologizing to my grandmother that passed that I watched after for not always being patient with her. Who knows, but the point of this blog is I was humbled tonight. I gave up fighting, stressing, and being on edge tonight .......... I just let go. I thought about how this could be one of many trips for us to the hospital. How regardless of thinking positive reality has a way of taking over. I also thought about how I cannot imagine my life without Jude, and how I don't think Mike would make it without him. With us it's not just a swelling issue it's the thought of if his brain can handle anesteshia, etc. Plus combined and piled with everything else life seemed very overwhelming for awhile. I could see tears forming up on Mike several times and I knew it was time for me to get my stuff together. No more worries about money, bills, or anything but my family from now on!
I walked into the ER thinking how sometimes the ER doctors think you are crazy for coming in, but how things never seem to be simple and no big deal anymore. Right as I was thinking that they whisked us back to a room with every rush you can imagine, but surprisingly I was calm. They put us in a room, and a sono tech came in to scan well Judes personals and he had no complaints (such a boy!!!). The tech recognized me from my stint in the hospital and she knew our situation. So rather than waiting for the normal "radiologist" she looked at me and said "It's just fluid.....relax". WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fluid.......?!?!?! what does that mean. Picture opening doors and the nicest doctor EVER coming through. He took out his flash light and shined it on the swollen issue, and you could actually see straight through...it was like a water balloon. He said it was no cause for immediate concern, but we did need to get him to Cooks childrens for evaluation. No problem there we explain since his neurosurgeon was at cooks. He said he was thrilled it wasn't anything more major, and asked why he had a neurosurgeon. I seriously pulled up a chair and began to tell him or experience. For the first time my words weren't broken or not making sense it just seemed to flow out of my mouth. He was SO sweet!!! He said he had 6 kids of his own, and his last one was born when his wife was 38. He said they made a HUGE deal out of her age and wanted to perform all kinds of tests on her like they did me. The difference is he understands that you can say NO and mean it. He told the doctors "No, because I won't abort even if it's Trisomy!". He looked at me and Mike and said he couldn't IMAGINE someone telling him something was wrong with one of his children. Then to top it off we talk a bit longer about lives, illnesses, and loss, and it turns out this guy was raised in a tiny trailer with a mom that didn't take care of him and no dad. Yet he enrolled in the navy and became a doctor.........AMAZING! He actually put himself through medical school and overcame his obstacles. I was looking at him in admiration, and the whole time it seems he was looking at us the same because he grabbed my hand and said "It's so wonderful to meet great parents". I teared up.........I teared up just typing that. I offered my gratitude and he said " No really it's so great to meet nice genuine people who truly love their child and want the best for them". Thank you Doctor Anson.........thank you! You turned our scary horrible night that went with our bad week into something with a nice memory with one sentence.
Thanks for Sarah for being on standby with Em, Kay for fielding a load of texts, and lil Jude for being so good on the table.
Have a good weekend all. I am off to have a bubble bath, and hibernate. Tomorrow little Juders is going to play with his Grandpa Steve and Grandma Kay while we go to Sarah's house for Johns 40th bday. Em is going to her Best friend since kindergartens bday party. She is finally feeling so much better, and after today she deserves a break. I won't let her play softball out in the cool weather, but I think staying with Maddie at her house will be ok.
Good night everyone.