contemplative

Last night as I sat on the couch holding Jude we both just stared at each other. He is reaching that point where a baby really studies you. They also begin to realize their is a baby in the mirror when they pass one, and suddenly jerk their still wobbly head around to look. He is becoming aware of everything it seems....the kitty can testify to that since she is minus 2 whiskers. So I looked at Jude, and he looked at me and I got a huge smile from him! It melted my heart and I realized for the first time that I was breathing easier. My worries, trauma, and crises mode seemed to be drifting away. Maybe it's an acceptance of whatever may lie ahead, or maybe it's just acceptance in general. I have read posts on the microcephaly board all week, and I realized just HOW lucky we are. We all know that Jude's neurological issue may present itself at any time........but then again it may not! Why is it he is ok right now? Is it faith? prayer? random luck? Is it karma? Is it that we just don't know his issues? Who knows the answer, and if I start going into all that then I question why these other kids are suffering as newborns, and we were given a reprieve. Why they have temperature control problems, eating problems, cannot smile, cannot sleep, etc. Then when I question why I really start going a bit crazy. Therefore, I think I have let it all go. I was stressing so much over Jude's medical needs, work, Em, medical bills, and just everything. I just feel different inside. I also feel like I may just see Jude run, and play. I wouldn't let myself think about that before just holding out that there would indeed be something wrong due to the fluid. Not because I didn't believe in him, but because my heart had been hurting for so long. I ached every time I heard more terrible news to the point I think my body shut down. So last night when I watched him smile, coo, and communicate in his own tiny way I felt so grateful. I am truly blessed.
Em has been having a bit of trouble with her school work which is unusual so we are working on that. It seems she has an attack of the lazies at school and home. She is a great kid though, and when I say trouble she is not struggling by any means. My point is Em is an honor roll student, and has no reason not to be on the honor roll. She just needs to take her time. I remember hearing that a million times as a child "take your time!". Now I am repeating the same thing to Emily. We all assume the parental role huh?

Well everyone have a great and safe weekend.