Saturday, April 9, 2016

What Happened And Our Blessing.

After not properly sleeping for so long I should probably be in bed but I am not (true to fashion). So you will have to forgive any ramblings or bad grammar. I told Mike that when Jude passed I should probably stop my blog and he said that if he was reading this as a book he would be mad he didn't know the exact ending. I feel like some people may want to read this particular update and some may choose to move forward without this information. So I will leave this at your discretion to read.

I blogged on Thursday that Jude's health had taken a rapid decline and I am afraid this continued into Friday. After a week of Jude's nurse Charlotte lovingly trying to help him with his horrific lung pain,  Nurse Allen show up for his Friday shift. It wasn't easy and hospice came to check on Jude. Around 2pm I received a call from them and it's one I won't forget. I heard the words, "Honey I think this is it," and I melted into a ball of sobbing blubber. My friends and co-workers came rushing to my side holding me as I sobbed and spouted off statements about getting Emily to Dallas. It may sound like a ridiculous statement but we will get to that information. My friends were calm and collected and merely asked what they could do but I tried to recover myself. I realized I needed to pull myself together and make sure my kids were first. So I grabbed my purse, grabbed my keys, and with a tear stained face I explained I had to go.

I drove home my normal route down the windy country road laced with green grass and wildflowers. As I passed the cemetery I think is so beautiful I wondered if I would soon be reaching out to ask for residency for Jude in such an amazing place. Once I got home the hospice nurse was still there and nurse Allen looked blessed but concerned. I noted that Jude's breathing had taken a sharp turn for the worse and his tiny little hands were growing cold to the touch. The tears streamed from my eyes and I hugged him tightly. I began to tell him just how amazing he was and then I turned to the situation at hand. Emily is due to give up her Miss Dallas teen title this weekend and although unimportant in the grand scheme of things I knew this was fate. Her pageant family is amazing and with one touch and one phone call her needs were handled. Her amazing father stepped in and so did so many of her friends. Emily is being watched after and I rested easy on that stand point. I knew she would want to remember Jude as her smiley beautiful brother full of inspiration and hope.

Once Jude's weekend  night nurse got to the house we explained his grave situation and she was devastated. See our nurses are also our family. She kissed Jude, loved on him, bathed him and more. His breathing grew louder and I laid in my bed begging God to make him comfortable. Around 3am his breathing slowed and I could no longer hear him. I finally slept for an hour or so. When I awoke I would wander in my living room looking at all Jude's equipment and sat calmly on the couch hoping I wasn't disturbing them but yearning to be close. I would wander over and kiss Jude and tell him how amazing I thought he was. Finally at 7am Nurse Allen arrived and I walked over to Jude and the night nurse explained how she thought Jude was rallying and might make it. I walked over to his bed and leaned down, grabbed his head, and kissed his hair. I said, "Darling boy I love you with all my heart and soul but I never want to watch you suffer like this again. I will see you soon baby." and I went to bed.

Fifteen minutes later Nurse Allen knocked on our door with tears in his eyes. Jude's tiny little fragile damaged lungs could no longer keep up. Mike and I walked to Jude's bed and holding hands we kissed his tiny little face and told him goodbye. Despite how strong I think I am Mike was ever the giant in this particular situation and he explained to Jude that we will be there together soon to hold him. We then tried to curve information on social media while we called family and deflected information going to Emily until we could get to her.

Soon hospice arrived to pronounce Jude and amazing people came with tenderness and care to take him to his forever home. Mike and I then drove to Dallas. With the help of the amazing pageant family surrounding Emily we walked into a private hallway and as she looked at me perplexed I said, "Oh honey Jude died." and she burst into tears. She cried for a good 20 minutes as I showed her picture of  his casket and more. I knew she would want to be involved. Then suddenly she looked up and said, "Please tell everyone I said not to cry. When we cried it made Jude cry and he wouldn't want that." and she meant it. She text me later tonight and said she wanted to make sure no one thought she was being strange but to understand she is being positive which she thinks is important. She knows coming home will be very difficult because it's so very quiet here now.

It's been a menagerie of information today.  People want to help but honestly we don't even know where to turn yet. We have meeting tomorrow to set final arrangements and I can say that having a big turn out at this inspirational boys services will mean the world to us. I understand many people will relate this to their world and no one wants to lose a child. I just ask you to bear in mind that Jude was pretty amazing. Without speaking one word he touched thousands. How amazing is that?

While driving home tonight I remember thinking that I have been around death so much in my life that I am very cynical of signs. Then looking through my photo album I found this. Taken on 3/28 in his bed with full sides there is a strong light presence there. Jude truly had angels around him.

I think Jude had some pretty amazing angels and now he is one. Seven years, Seven months, and Seven days this boy graced the Earth. So many people think I should be devastated but look how I was blessed. How lucky was I?? "I am okay I am alright although you have gone from my life. "

I have read so many of the amazing tributes to Jude tonight. I have also read all those with small children who are confused. I guess I learned with Jude that bad things are just going to happen and although we have to handle them it's at your discretion how to approach them. Just let your children  know that Jude spread so many smiles. That giving to others is the best reward you could ever hope for. Please know I will post his service information here.

Love Always,

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know the details at this time of great sorrow. I don't know you and I don't have a special needs child, but I have followed your blog and Jude's story from the other side of the world. I appreciate you taking the time to update us all. Please continue to blog if it comforts you - we are all here to be an outlet for your thoughts. May Jude rest in peace xx

Annie said...

Anonomous said everything so beautifully. Please know that if you continue to blog your readers are here to hear about you and won't forget your special boy even if we never met him

Alisha Riordan said...

You and your your family certainly raised one brave little boy, Jenn! Sleep Sweet Angel Baby as you have touched so many hearts. Mine is breaking for your loved ones, but I know you will no longer be in pain. Love and Blessings 🌈

denise said...

I've been a long time reader of your blog from afar (the UK). You, your husband and Emily and all of this around Jude gave him the most wonderful life. Rest in Peace Jude, give strength to your mommy & daddy in the time to come xx

Jesika said...

My prayers are with you and your family during these hard times. You and your family are a true inspiration and your strength is beyond words. I met you once at a Scentsy party a long long time ago and have been following you ever sense. Sometimes in life we are handed difficult cards and we can either complain and gripe about it or make it into something positive and amazing which is what your family has done. You will always be in my prayers and what a gift you have left so many people. But the best gift of all is you beautiful angel God has bestowed upon you. May Jude rest in peace and keep shining. 777

Nicolie said...

As I said the first time I read your blog, thank you for sharing your heart, your life and most importantly Jude. He was a ray of light, one of God's most special. He is no longer suffering and God knew it was his time and there is peace that He gives us in these situations. I hope you're covered in that in the days to come. I know there will be a heart shaped hole in your lives where Jude will forever reside. Sending love and prayers for comfort and continued strength for you all.

susie4510 said...

So nicely written Jenn. So sad but it was his time........

susie4510 said...

Prayers for you all.

Jen Hershey said...

We don't know each other personally, but I have followed your blog for quite a long time. First off I want to extend my deepest sympathy for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Little Jude has touched so many lives and now his struggle is over. I do hope you continue your blog, as I know the people you've touched by sharing your journey will always be interested in how you and your awesome family are doing. God bless your sweet boy and wonderful family. I hope you can all get some peace and rest. Thank you for touching all of us with sweet Jude, 777!

charity said...

prayers for you and your family. jude was such a strong little boy who touched many lives

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog from over in the UK for a few years now and I am sitting here at 11.30pm with a tear rolling down my cheek. I just happened to stumble across your blog when my son was diagnosed with VM and I followed your story from then on. Your son has really touched so many lives, people all over the world are thinking about him and we can see how much happiness he has brought to people around him. He was a beautiful boy who will be in my thoughts for a long time to come. Good night and god bless Jude xxxxxxx

goodie girl said...

What a blessing to all of us who have followed your journey with a beautiful child, Jude. Thank you, as I pray for your new journey.

meme said...

GLORY! Jude is now strong and pain free he wont have to hurt anymore! you two are great parents and you did everything for him and he wouldnt want you to hurt forever just remember grief is the price we pay for love. you all will be in our prayers stay strong jude is strong and whole and free at last!

Tracylynn said...

You don't know me Jenn but I know your cousin Sarah and have followed your blog from the beginning. I am heartbroken for you and your family. What a blessing Jude was to so many of us. I hope that you continue to Blog as your life and family have become so close to so many of us.

Prayers and warmth your way. May God bless you.

Tracy

Adelaide Dupont said...

Thank you again for sharing Jude's last days.

And the book analogy that you and Mike used.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog since your pregnancy... I am so sad to hear of Jude's passing. Wishing your family peace and comfort.

Anonymous said...

I have been a long time reader of your blog and wanted to pass along my sincerest condolences. Your sweet boy touched so many lives. I know that he felt only love and that is something you all should be very proud of. Thinking of you.

Helene said...

I have followed your journey since the beginning. Thank you for letting us into your lives so graciously. Please accept my condolences and prayers.

Anonymous said...

ive been a reader for years. my deepest condolences.

Maureen said...

I have followed Jude since he was a very small baby. I very rarely comment but you have been in my prayers for years. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't wait until I get to meet Jude in Heaven, free of all of his earthly burdens.

Andrea Sincleair said...

Love you and yours Jenn!!! Your family is such an inspiration. Praying for peace for all of you.

Madeleine said...

I sit here with my 9 year old son comforting me. I have followed you since Jude was a baby. He truly touched me and helped me get through some very dark days with my son. I know it sounds strange to say that but he was an inspiration. My condolences to your entire family Jennifer. Thank you for sharing your family with us.

Renee Duchatel said...

What an incredible child to have touched so many, and incredible parents to have his voice be heard.
How far your amazing family have travelled by taking one day at a time and doing what you could. From someone who has checked in on you all from the beginning, thank you Jude. xx

brook said...

Thank you very much for sharing your family with me. I have followed your blog for several years. I wish I lived close enough to attend Jude's services today. Sending you prayers and comfort this day. I will always remember the sweet love Jude brought to the world. I will always remember the challenges you faced as you made sure Jude had the best opportunities and love in the world.
Love,
Brook

brook said...

Thank you for sharing your seet family with me from afar. I wish I could be with you today as you celebrate Jude. I appreciate all I have learned from you and your family. Sending you love, strength and prayers today.

brook

Stephanie Gill said...

Thank you for taking the time to let us know during your grief. I have been following since Jude was a baby and I am saddened by this news but also happy that his pain is gone and he's no longer suffering. You are an amazing family and I'll truly miss catching up with you will you keep us updated please? I too believe Jude had angels all around him since the day he was born. I pray he is running and playing right now and having a ball. God bless your family during this difficult time, I pray for comfort and peace, amen.

Alisha Riordan said...

Dear ones, I felt compelled to let you know that although I never was able to meet your sweet boy personally,he brought such a smile to me and my family every time you would post a pic or video. We looked forward to your blogs and seeing his beautiful face. I can only imagine the love and joy he gave to your family. Thank you for sharing him with us as he will never be forgotten. Many prayers on the hard journey that you will face, but I know he will always be with you. Much Love, The Riordan Family xo

Anonymous said...

I have lurked but not commented, since practically the start of this blog. Tears are running down my face, but not for Jude. I know he's loved, safe, and without pain. I am sad for your family that they'll have to live with Jude's absence... But he is certainly always in your hearts (and so many more people's.) Thank you for having shared his life.