One Step At A Time

I had someone ask if my grief was any easier knowing Jude was so sick. It isn't. If anything it's been really difficult because Jude required so much attention and depended on us for everything. Our schedules literally revolved around what Jude needed.  If you can close your eyes and think about your child then imagine coming home and never hearing from them again. Never touching their face, never kiss their lips, never hold their hand, or tell them you love them. It's just silence. Not only that but we feel like we lost four people because the nurses are gone too. However you learn to move forward. You put one foot in front of the other and you just live. Mike quotes Shawshank all the time, "You get busy living or get busy dying." We choose to live.  We choose to honor Jude's memory by trying to crawl out of our grief and helping ourselves and others! We can do this, we have faith! 

We are getting our house ready to place on the market. We hope the change in scenery and putting our attention elsewhere will help us recover some. We aren't even sure where we are going and may rent for awhile but we are making steps to move. At first I was worried I would be leaving Jude but Mike pointed out he is always with us. So a step forward.

Emily has started working out again and she is doing pretty well. She misses little things like we do such as Nurse Allan singing Spongebob Square Pants at the top of his lungs. She misses seeing Charlotte when she gets home from school and of course she misses Jude. She posted something on her Facebook that I thought I would share. 

"I have realized over the course of my brothers passing that too many people are upset at the wrong things in life. Going to prom with the right date should not matter, getting mad because someone did not answer a phone call should not matter, and so many people do not understand what my family is going through. We barley can comprehend the fact Jude is not here. I lost my brother. My inspiration. My friend. Someone who was so innocent and lovable he was aware at every moment what it meant to be living! Please don't stress about work or getting something on time that it ruins someone else's day be positive and enjoy life because it's the only life you get and make a difference. Just understand my parents are not doing well and would just like a couple days to sit back and realize the precious little angel that they lost is no longer here physically. So thank you to advance, but we lost someone very important and it's hard to hear people complaining about small things."

She is pretty amazing. 

I keep telling people I don't feel like I'm receiving any signs Jude is okay. However I had to recant that tonight. I realized that every night when I go to take my bath and I turn my music on that of all songs... "Tomorrow" from Annie plays. We can thank Emily for the song being in my play list. She loved it when she was younger and I just never deleted it. Also my friend Sarah loves singing it very loudly so it makes me smile. However I have such a large plays list that I rarely hear it but literally every night it's played. So maybe I just need to be more open and listen. Jude loved musicals despite his dads protest. 

The cemetery will allow a granite bench at the foot of Jude's grave and I have some sweet friends trying to obtain one for him. https://www.gofundme.com/2asz7uwk

Anyway, back to work.