Tuesday, April 12, 2016

It's just Wednesday

In the past I have watched other parents before me grieve for their children and I could not relate to their emotions. Sometimes their posts were a bit overwhelming so I would bypass them with a heavy heart. This may be one of those posts some may want to avoid. I am broken hearted. I may seem like a pillar is strength but when I get home and the silence sets in I miss my Jude. Tonight when we finally arrived home from Jude's services I needed to take a bath. I turned to ask Emily to watch Jude and just sighed and touched my chest. Not only did I realize Jude is not there but I realized Emily is leaving soon too and Mikes father is still also very ill. It all became very overwhelming. I just wanted to take Jude out of his bed and hold him in our normal fashion while I smelled his sweet hair and kissed his forehead.

I remember when Jude was very ill or another pediatric stroke parent lost their child I thought the world should stop, but it doesn't work that way. I have a husband that feels alone because I'm grieving so bad my entire body aches and I have a daughter that cannot be alone at night. All this but tomorrow it will be just another Wednesday for most people filled with work and school.  Just another day of the week but the weeks march on and we must March on too. Tomorrow proves to be difficult as we donate all of his items to those that need them. His organs may have been to damaged but his equipment will help so many. Thank you to all that came to his service!!

Mike and I may go away for awhile. There are no final plans because I'm really tired but if it all comes together I'm shutting my phone and blog off for a few days. Thank you so much to all those that loved my Jude! I know we will get through this and Jude will be there holding our hands.


x o x o u i said...

Hi, Jenn--How is nurse Charlotte is doing? And nurse Allen?

p.s. After my dad passed, I was allowed to take whatever I wanted from his house, but I didn't take anything of real value. Instead, I took a lot of personal things that I just wanted around to feel "normal." Like...I took all the pens from his desk and put some in my desk, in my purse, etc. I took some of his blank greeting cards and put them in with my stash of cards (I'm big on sending cards). I took some of his wooden mixing spoons and put them in my kitchen--and I do use them. I just feel like...if there are "normal" things around, then he's still around in some way.

Of course, we also have Charley, my dad's sweet, old doggie.

sending hugs from Austin, Texas...

Anonymous said...

In Australia Wednesday is now all but over. It's 8pm and you're right - our normal day marched on and the world didn't stop. BUT I did think about Jude today and I pictured him smiling in his beautiful Superman casket and I hoped his service went well. Your son has touched the lives of people he never met in places he never visited. Your blog has given his life an extraordinary reach. I hope for only the best for you all. May the break you take help you to get through these difficult days xx

Reagan Leigh said...

You have been in my constant thoughts and prayers! People often ask how do you do it? How do you live this difficult life of special needs parenting under constant stress and going on little to no sleep. The more difficult question is how do you NOT do it, when that life is all you know! Ugh. Big hugs. 😢

Anonymous said...

You are in the thoughts and prayers of so many as you walk through this journey. Take your time grieving.

MsAshleyJohnson said...

Hi Jen,

My daughter, Anna, and Jude were in the same Gymboree class when they were babies. I remember Jude being such a little fighter even then! He was so strong during tummy time and loved the silly songs that we would all sing to our babies during class! I remember how gentle and sweet Emily was with her new brother and how wonderful you and Mike were with Jude. My Anna was born just a few days after Jude so I've always felt a connection to Jude and have prayed for him so many times. I always wanted to come up to you and give you a big hug but always thought better of it because you would wonder why this stranger was hugging me at a Gymboree class! I've kept up with Jude and your family through your blog and am so sorry for your loss.


Anonymous said...

Dear Jenn, my heart reaches out to you from Russia. I may have never met or known you and your family, and I started to read you blog already from the place where Jude died, but I felt I had to read the whole history, and I spent two days reading your blog entirely. Thank you for sharing it...you spent so much time and effort for Jude, even in the gloomest moments you rushed to save his life no matter what...this is so human! It is such a fine example for your daughter. My granddad spent 8 years lying paralyzed in bed, no lazy days were in that home right until his death..he was old, and he had lived his life to the full, and he passed surrounded by kids and grandkids, but the feeling of loss and relief was tremendous, it was so weird.. We cried from sorrow, and we felt relieved and happy that he went to heavenly Father... But half of our routines were lost with his death, and we had to find what to fill the gaps with.. We felt so lazy at first. Sounds crazy.. Please dont stay alone too much, grieve and cry but please find something to do with the time which is now free from Jude's routines..you cried already so much in your life, and you are so wonderful and pure, so human. I dont want you to cry more. Please smile. Please enjoy food..please spend time with husband. Take your time to breathe! Just go with the flow for awhile... I am sure the story is not over. and you became much better a writer than at the beginning of the blog..please think about it. Your boy changed you so much...but only because you are so good and you let the change make its way.. I admire you as a mother, as a woman, as a generous gifter of your story to the world.