Something has become very apparent to me this week and that's the fact I am not as strong as I used to be. I have always been extremely resilient and I tend to take the lead in stressful situations. However we had a nursing situation come up today and my husband recognized that my stress level has officially overflowed. My guess is that he may have recognized it months ago. Regardless when I mentioned the situation to him he took over without hesitation and even told the agency that they should no longer call me. Then tonight Emily was watching a funny you tube about a mom who could not handle her child being stubborn after his wisdom tooth surgery. She jokingly said "that would be you". I suddenly felt very overwhelmed with a sense of failure because it's obvious I have shown weakness when I needed to be strong. I began obsessing over the fact my child thought I was not good enough but then..... I decided to stop obsessing.
I halted everything and realized that my life has not been easy and it's okay that for once I just hand everything over to someone else. I realized that I don't always have to live up to what I think people expect me to be. The truth is my true family will love me no matter who I am. It's okay to allow my husband to be in charge and I promise to not judge the fact he forgot some of Jude's medications tonight, lol. As I held Jude in my arms tonight I felt little pressure to do anything else. The dishes, the laundry, and the messes will be there tomorrow ... but we may not. So it's okay to shut down and let someone else take the load. It's understandable and it will all be okay.... eventually.
I guess this coincides with the blog I posted about changing who you are due to a tragic situation. Sometimes that change isn't easy but if you pay attention you will realize the change is needed. If people don't understand you just have to believe that they will at some point.
Jude is pale and sleepy but he is full of smiles so I will consider this a good day!