After not properly sleeping for so long I should probably be in bed but I am not (true to fashion). So you will have to forgive any ramblings or bad grammar. I told Mike that when Jude passed I should probably stop my blog and he said that if he was reading this as a book he would be mad he didn't know the exact ending. I feel like some people may want to read this particular update and some may choose to move forward without this information. So I will leave this at your discretion to read.
I blogged on Thursday that Jude's health had taken a rapid decline and I am afraid this continued into Friday. After a week of Jude's nurse Charlotte lovingly trying to help him with his horrific lung pain, Nurse Allen show up for his Friday shift. It wasn't easy and hospice came to check on Jude. Around 2pm I received a call from them and it's one I won't forget. I heard the words, "Honey I think this is it," and I melted into a ball of sobbing blubber. My friends and co-workers came rushing to my side holding me as I sobbed and spouted off statements about getting Emily to Dallas. It may sound like a ridiculous statement but we will get to that information. My friends were calm and collected and merely asked what they could do but I tried to recover myself. I realized I needed to pull myself together and make sure my kids were first. So I grabbed my purse, grabbed my keys, and with a tear stained face I explained I had to go.
I drove home my normal route down the windy country road laced with green grass and wildflowers. As I passed the cemetery I think is so beautiful I wondered if I would soon be reaching out to ask for residency for Jude in such an amazing place. Once I got home the hospice nurse was still there and nurse Allen looked blessed but concerned. I noted that Jude's breathing had taken a sharp turn for the worse and his tiny little hands were growing cold to the touch. The tears streamed from my eyes and I hugged him tightly. I began to tell him just how amazing he was and then I turned to the situation at hand. Emily is due to give up her Miss Dallas teen title this weekend and although unimportant in the grand scheme of things I knew this was fate. Her pageant family is amazing and with one touch and one phone call her needs were handled. Her amazing father stepped in and so did so many of her friends. Emily is being watched after and I rested easy on that stand point. I knew she would want to remember Jude as her smiley beautiful brother full of inspiration and hope.
Once Jude's weekend night nurse got to the house we explained his grave situation and she was devastated. See our nurses are also our family. She kissed Jude, loved on him, bathed him and more. His breathing grew louder and I laid in my bed begging God to make him comfortable. Around 3am his breathing slowed and I could no longer hear him. I finally slept for an hour or so. When I awoke I would wander in my living room looking at all Jude's equipment and sat calmly on the couch hoping I wasn't disturbing them but yearning to be close. I would wander over and kiss Jude and tell him how amazing I thought he was. Finally at 7am Nurse Allen arrived and I walked over to Jude and the night nurse explained how she thought Jude was rallying and might make it. I walked over to his bed and leaned down, grabbed his head, and kissed his hair. I said, "Darling boy I love you with all my heart and soul but I never want to watch you suffer like this again. I will see you soon baby." and I went to bed.
Fifteen minutes later Nurse Allen knocked on our door with tears in his eyes. Jude's tiny little fragile damaged lungs could no longer keep up. Mike and I walked to Jude's bed and holding hands we kissed his tiny little face and told him goodbye. Despite how strong I think I am Mike was ever the giant in this particular situation and he explained to Jude that we will be there together soon to hold him. We then tried to curve information on social media while we called family and deflected information going to Emily until we could get to her.
Soon hospice arrived to pronounce Jude and amazing people came with tenderness and care to take him to his forever home. Mike and I then drove to Dallas. With the help of the amazing pageant family surrounding Emily we walked into a private hallway and as she looked at me perplexed I said, "Oh honey Jude died." and she burst into tears. She cried for a good 20 minutes as I showed her picture of his casket and more. I knew she would want to be involved. Then suddenly she looked up and said, "Please tell everyone I said not to cry. When we cried it made Jude cry and he wouldn't want that." and she meant it. She text me later tonight and said she wanted to make sure no one thought she was being strange but to understand she is being positive which she thinks is important. She knows coming home will be very difficult because it's so very quiet here now.
It's been a menagerie of information today. People want to help but honestly we don't even know where to turn yet. We have meeting tomorrow to set final arrangements and I can say that having a big turn out at this inspirational boys services will mean the world to us. I understand many people will relate this to their world and no one wants to lose a child. I just ask you to bear in mind that Jude was pretty amazing. Without speaking one word he touched thousands. How amazing is that?
While driving home tonight I remember thinking that I have been around death so much in my life that I am very cynical of signs. Then looking through my photo album I found this. Taken on 3/28 in his bed with full sides there is a strong light presence there. Jude truly had angels around him.
I think Jude had some pretty amazing angels and now he is one. Seven years, Seven months, and Seven days this boy graced the Earth. So many people think I should be devastated but look how I was blessed. How lucky was I?? "I am okay I am alright although you have gone from my life. "
I have read so many of the amazing tributes to Jude tonight. I have also read all those with small children who are confused. I guess I learned with Jude that bad things are just going to happen and although we have to handle them it's at your discretion how to approach them. Just let your children know that Jude spread so many smiles. That giving to others is the best reward you could ever hope for. Please know I will post his service information here.