Monday, April 25, 2016

How Are You?

"How are you?"

I keep getting that question and I know people mean well but I wonder if they really want to hear the answer. I reply " I am good if I am out busy." However I normally don't add that I am NOT good if I am sitting at home, if it's night time, or if I am working. Work is the hardest and it's taking a HUGE toll on me emotionally.  I am doing my best and servicing my customers but I honestly feel today that I am not sure I can do this. Then I remind myself that I have to for my family. I am also having terrible nightmares which I have been told is normal but still scary. No I don't want to take sleeping pills so please don't suggest them. 

I feel like someone has reached inside my body and pulled every single nerve ending through my skin and left everything on the outside. That's how I feel. That's the best description I can give and since I have always been raw and open on this blog I figured I should continue that. Every single part of my body hurts and I just want to see Jude's smile again. I know I have pictures and his smile in my memories but I want to walk through the door and cuddle Jude like I normally would. I miss his nurses too. 

Hearing people happy or making plans grates on my nerves which is not what Jude would want but again how I feel. I don't want to hear complaints because everything you could possibly say seems extremely minimal to me right now. I wanted to start eating right and working out today but I have no desire anymore so I will just walk the dog. 

Grief is dark and it's sad and I hate it. I don't want to ever experience it again. I have traveled this road before but again not with a child. I have lost my mother, grandparents, a boyfriend, friends, but this............this one a child.......... trust me it's SO much worse.  I pray every night and let God know that I don't want to lose Mike or Emily. I hope he listens to me. 

It takes time. 

Just time.


meme said...

dont slide into a depression it can come up on you quicky aslo talking to a grief doctor might comfort you its going to be hard and long road!

Jennifer Ortiz said...

I am seeing someone. Thanks!

x o x o u i said...

After Dad died (by his own hand) it was very difficult to not tell people that "I'm fine, you effing a*****e." So, I would alternate with "hanging in there" or "I'm having a hard time." Or I would flat out tell people that I just didn't want to talk about it now and "maybe later, but thanks."

(Did I mention...? I was a real robot at the a Stepford Wife robot with this weird plastic smile on my face. Afterwards, and even now, I don't deny myself from being a mess...I will have an ugly cry in public, if I have to!)

I am not religious, but GriefShare did help me a lot. It was structured, and that's what I wanted. (You know us insurance people...we like procedures. haha) You meet with a group and follow along with a workbook, videos, and discussion. I've made life-long friends, too.

They also have a structured daily email, too: