"How are you?"
I keep getting that question and I know people mean well but I wonder if they really want to hear the answer. I reply " I am good if I am out busy." However I normally don't add that I am NOT good if I am sitting at home, if it's night time, or if I am working. Work is the hardest and it's taking a HUGE toll on me emotionally. I am doing my best and servicing my customers but I honestly feel today that I am not sure I can do this. Then I remind myself that I have to for my family. I am also having terrible nightmares which I have been told is normal but still scary. No I don't want to take sleeping pills so please don't suggest them.
I feel like someone has reached inside my body and pulled every single nerve ending through my skin and left everything on the outside. That's how I feel. That's the best description I can give and since I have always been raw and open on this blog I figured I should continue that. Every single part of my body hurts and I just want to see Jude's smile again. I know I have pictures and his smile in my memories but I want to walk through the door and cuddle Jude like I normally would. I miss his nurses too.
Hearing people happy or making plans grates on my nerves which is not what Jude would want but again how I feel. I don't want to hear complaints because everything you could possibly say seems extremely minimal to me right now. I wanted to start eating right and working out today but I have no desire anymore so I will just walk the dog.
Grief is dark and it's sad and I hate it. I don't want to ever experience it again. I have traveled this road before but again not with a child. I have lost my mother, grandparents, a boyfriend, friends, but this............this one a child.......... trust me it's SO much worse. I pray every night and let God know that I don't want to lose Mike or Emily. I hope he listens to me.
It takes time.