Grief

Over the past few days I have been so busy I have barely had time to think. When I did think I don't think my brain functioned properly so my blogs have been laced with various emotions. Overnight and this morning we finally got some sleep. I woke up numerous times but early this morning I snuggled in and got several hours of good restful sleep. When I woke up I felt a bit refreshed but still conflicted and sad. I decided that I have always promised to be completely honest on Jude's blog and always share everything I felt. I now believe part of that is sharing our journey in grief. Other families need to know what it is like, but they also need to know that everyone grieves their own way.

This morning when I got up I still didn't eat. Our refrigerator is filled with food from friends and family but nothing sounds good. So I just immediately went to work and turned on some music as I sorted through Jude's room. Some people decide they prefer to keep their child's room the same but I decided seeing the medical equipment and personal items hurt me worse. I also knew all of his items could help families more than they I could help us. I started with his clothes which I knew would be the hardest and I pulled everything out of his wardrobe. I pulled out the items I knew I would want to keep and the ones that still had his smell. Many times throughout the day I smelled those particular items very deeply. I had called the oxygen company on Sunday but I had not heard back from them. I finally called them in tears today begging them to come take their equipment and they showed up today. The gentlemen actually showed up explained he had lost a child too and he hated he was here to pick up Jude's supplies. Around 2pm my doorbell rang and my best friend Gina was standing on the steps. She immediately stepped in to help with boxes and bags and help me sort through every single piece of Jude's items and his equipment. I also received help from my other Gena who found a faith based medical supply company that said they would pick up all the other equipment. Watching the oxygen leave my house was difficult because it sustained Jude's life. I found an amazing home for Jude's bed through a friend so I know it will be well taken care of and I am very grateful for that. Trust me that I miss him and wish I just had a few more seconds to hold him close.

Later in the day I was settling down to watch TV when I heard the doorbell. I answered the door and it was our normal trustworthy Fed Ex lady delivering Jude's supplies for the month. There sat boxes full of items and I just gasped, which Mike heard. He yelled, "Ninja's??" and came running. He calls the items that hurt our heart Ninja's. As he ran to the door I asked our Fed Ex driver if she could return the boxes to the sender and she just looked at me perplexed. I said "He died on Saturday" and I could tell her heart broke. She said, "Of course!" and she began loading the truck back with our help then she hugged Mike and went on her way. Tomorrow we have more supply companies arriving to obtain their items we had leased and then the major donation should be Friday. Then hopefully Friday night we will leave for some time away because the nights are killing me in this house. I am easily frustrated right now and I just need some time to act like my normal self.

Mike drove by the cemetery today to see Jude's mound with all his flowers but I have not been able to drive by yet. Today I really didn't want to leave the house until night set in and now I just want to run away. I know grief well because we have become very acquainted over the years. I know this horrible hole in my stomach that's filled with hurt will only lessen as the hole is filled with time. It won't even fully go away but it just takes a different shape and form.

Our nurses are grieving too and we miss them dearly. I think they probably find some comfort in the fact they provided Jude with the best care possible but I know their hearts are still aching. One thing that has been helping me is watching the video my friend Cristina made of Jude. We started his service off with it and each day as I crawl into my hot bath I put the video on and watch it several times. It's so comforting and makes me smile. So know throughout this grieving period I will be here and share with you my memories of Jude. It's my honor to share his life and the love that surrounded him every step of the way.