Jude had more good hours than bad hours this weekend and for that I am very grateful. He smiled, coo'd, and acted more like himself. The good times would be overshadowed when his oxygen would drop or his lungs would fill with fluid but overall it was a good weekend. Occasionally I needed some friends to talk to about his situation but I found a few glimmers of hope.
Tonight I unhooked Jude from everything. I turned off the oxygen meter, I unhooked the mask, I turned off his feed, and I pushed aside the new medication port. I gathered Jude up and told him we were going to have a little time to ourselves. We sunk into our spot that we have claimed on my couch and his head rested in my arms. He gave me a huge grin and I kept him there kissing his forehead for a while. Soon he would begin to gurgle so Emily brought me his suction machine. I was able to keep Jude on my lap until Mike got out of the shower. Then Mike helped me move Jude back to his bed and I hooked all of his lines back up again. His O2 was a little low but nothing to alarming.........in fact Jude seemed very peaceful and happy. I think he has missed me holding him on a regular basis and he was enjoying being held as much as I enjoyed holding him.
My blog mostly centers around Jude but sometimes I talk about others. Rarely do I talk about my husband so I thought I would spend a little time explaining how great he is. I know I have mentioned this before but my husband had a prior marriage. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't work out and he and his ex wife lost five babies via miscarriage. Skip to our marriage when I learned I was pregnant and Mike was so excited at the prospect of having a child. Our baby seemed to be healthy and thriving but then we learned Jude had suffered a massive stroke. I know the blow this gave me but I cannot even imagine the blow it inflicted on my husband. It hasn't been an easy road, but Mike said from the beginning that our relationship would not be another negative statistic due to a tragedy. When Jude was two years old Mike went through a severe depression and it was really hard on our family, but he pulled through.
Mike is my rock so he tends to keep me grounded when life throws continuous balls that I cannot dodge. When we met eight years ago I was amazingly fit! I worked out 4-5 days a week, my hair was perfectly styled, my nails were done, and I was confident. I have learned these superficial looks really don't matter in the grand scheme of life, but on the other hand I feel pretty gross. Sleep deprivation can affect every part of your appearance and I literally have zero time to work out between work and home. I am not making excuses and if any work out buffs think I am they can bite my tail. Despite my sweat pants, pony tail, and nail appearance my husband loves me unconditionally. Mike walks up behind me on a regular basis and hugs me saying "You are beautiful". I shake my head and repeat, "I don't know why you think that". He can be a huge pain in the tail when he wants pancakes or some other form of food, but overall he is an amazing guy. He never hesitates to take care of his son. Mike would do anything for Emily and he loves me with all his heart. He holds my hand, cuddles next to me on the couch, opens my doors, and keeps me on my toes. When I get tired, down, and I have reached my max I tend to snap angrily and Mike will simply reply, "Hey I don't need you snapping at me ... you need to watch yourself". He is 100% right and it makes me take a deep breath, think things through, and apologize.
Mike has taught me one of the best lessons ever. "Don't expect people to treat you the way you treat them because you will just wind up disappointed. Treat them well because you want to treat them that way and leave it at that". He also reminds me constantly that those that truly care about me will not need "validation or explanation" they will understand no matter what.......and he is right. He has taught me to reach out for what's important and leave the rest behind. "Everything will find it's way" he says........he is a smart man. He never holds back and he loves his family with all his heart and I love him for being here for us because without him I don't think I would have made it this far.