Jude has been doing better since we cut his sedative back a bit at night. He seems to be awake again and is lifting his head more. He is also very smiley these days. When I get home at night Jude has a tendency to get very vocal until I pick him up. As I sat there last night holding him I admired how long he is. If Jude could stand upright he would be to my hip......and he is only approaching 3! I think he takes after my grandfather who played football and was 6'4. I also noticed Jude has such a sweet demeanor about him and it takes a lot to make him angry. I like to think he got that from me.
The other night my cousin came by and brought the foster children she is keeping. She had three little boys with her and they were so cute. I watched them run and play. I listened to their giggles and their questions. Then when they left I went in to check on Jude who was sleeping quietly. I am used to Jude's quiet ways. I know longer wish for him to run around like I used to. Not that I wouldn't want that....I just accept who Jude is and I love him the way he is. I guess that's a reason I don't blog as much anymore. I went through my stages of grief and I hit acceptance. I explained to Mike that I selfishly grieve now for our loss. Mike and I cannot do the things we dreamt of without a lot of planning. I want to take the kids to Orlando next year, but I don't see that happening with Jude's condition. It's to hot for him and I don't think it's possible to take a nurse. So is it selfish to admit I want to vacation and do the things Mike and I talked about when we got married. Probably so, but I am admitting it anyway so parents will know it's normal to feel that way. Does it mean I love Jude any less? NO. It means I love him so much I would do anything for him. I just sit at night and talk to him as he falls asleep just to see him smile. He has the most infectious smile and it makes my heart happy that when he hears mommy's voice he gets a huge grin. He knows me....he really does. He even spots me now and will smile which is such an accomplishment. I am proud of him. I tell him "You are a smart boy Jude", because people do not say that to him enough.
You're a smart boy Jude, I love you.