A Stroke Scare

I haven't shared anything in awhile but I have a doozie to share tonight. Friday morning I woke up with my face covered in a rash and my right eye extremely swollen. When I say that my husband's term of endearment, "Quasimodo" was actually very kind I am being honest. To top it off I felt absolutely physically horrible but I dragged my carcass to work. I had my semi-annual review that day and I knew our manager had put a lot of work and research into our reviews. As my manager walked in he looked though my window and mouthed, OH MY and as I smiled I proclaimed; "I need to go home." My face was on fire and I just felt so bad.  

I don't remember much of Friday but I know I was in pain and couldn't really sleep, Saturday I drug myself up to work to finish a quote I had started that was on a time constraint. Sunday I slept most of the day and my husband congratulated me on being a total sloth. I am generally always on the go so he really was being funny. I had summed up that I had gotten into the poison Sumac that was growing on a door outside of my upstairs attic. On Monday when I got to work I felt so bad that I set an appointment with my primary doctor. I fully expected to hear a diagnosis that I had gotten into the Sumac and receive a prescription for a strong anti-allergy medication. When the doctor walked into the room he tilted his head to the side and said, "Hmm" and I looked at him wondering what "Hmmm" meant. He said, "raise your eyebrows", "stick out your tongue", "turn your tongue to the left" WAIT why are you doing a neuro exam?? I am very familiar with this. My doctor then said, "this is facial paralysis" what??? He pointed at my forehead and said, "See how you have zero wrinkle lines above your right eye that's an indication your muscle isn't working (note to self look into Botox). Which means you either have Bell's Palsy or a mild stroke. Even though I knew the first diagnosis was probably the right one I heard the word stroke and felt faint. Not because I could die and be with Jude but because I could be a burden, not work, or leave Emily. So the doctor put me on a steroid and set up an MRI for the next day. He said if I didn't feel better to go to the MRI. 

So today I was an hour late but I went into work to catch up on everything I could. I try to be right on top of my work and to handle everyone's issues as quickly as possible but I have felt off my game. I don't like that and I don't like feeling limited. I like my boss and I want to do the best job I can do. I just began feeling terrible which included loud ringing in my ears, feeling dizzy, and my face was burning. So I just decided to suck everything up and head to the ER. I had informed several close family and friends over the weekend what was going on so they could be praying for Bell's Palsy. After lengthy testing the doctors determined there WAS NOT a stroke. He said I had shingles and the virus had basically frozen my facial nerve resulting in the Bell's Palsy. It's not fun but it's something I can overcome. So tonight I was pulling my right droopy eye up and I would watch it fall back down again. They say my eye will eventually recover but they are sending me to a neurologist just in case there is residual lasting issues. 

Sometimes I wonder if negative situations follow certain families because it's gotten rather comical the situations that impact my family. People say they aren't surprised or just shake their head. So I began to wonder if we somehow request negativity to us but I don't believe that's accurate. We have been working hard to fill our life with love and positivity since Jude left us. So when the doctor told me this can be brought on by stress I realized I need to take a step back. We have had a HARD two years and haven't given ourselves the means to relax.  I was doing too much and I know I was. I had already started disbanding the dress store and saying No to many invites. Emily has really taken charge of Smile Boxes a lot more but with her leaving for college I know I will play a predominant role in the fundraising Casino night, so I am letting everyone know I need HELP! Work is fanfreakingtabulous but it's busy and I do mean BUSY! I am so grateful for the new business and I hope it never stops but I need to STOP during the day and take time out to blog like I used to because it's my outlet and my stress reliever. So note to boss make me take 20 minutes a day, lol. I realized it's okay I still miss Jude so much my heart hurts and that sometimes we need to follow the Beatles advice and, "Just Let It Be." I actually don’t look at this as a negative, it’s a positive because I can heal from this!

I need to take my vacation at the end of August, turn my phone off, and realize that no matter what everything will be here when I get back. Everything except a droopy right face, I hope. 

I hope everyone is well and know I have missed you guys. 

Mom's Of Angels

You know what people don't talk enough about in life? Mental health. You know what sucks for me right now? My mental health. I miss Jude and there is just really nothing that can be done about that. I guess the realization has set in that the further away we get from Jude's loss the fact we won't see him again in this life is really a fact. 

It's super easy to tell someone that is grieving that life will get better, there is so much to be happy about, at least you have a job, and you still have the rest of your family. I still don't sleep and it's still super hard to get up to go to work each day. I am grateful for my job but it's hard and I am not going to sugar coat it. I feel like we so often disguise our struggles! So I am here to tell other suffering with depression and anxiety over loss you are NOT alone! I know people want to help too but honestly, sometimes you just have to go through the trenches alone and dig yourself out. It may take time, it doesn't have to include medication, and all I need is patience from others.  Maybe someday I will see the sunshine again and life won't seem so absolutely overwhelming. 

So mom's of angels out there just know there are lots of us that know how you feel. Lots of us appreciate the good days and feel the bad days with all our many emotions. There are lots of us out there that cry at the drop of a hat! Those titled supermoms that used to handle life in a perfect format and are now thrown off by the littlest amount of stress. We are all forever changed, how could we not be? 

Have a good Monday! 

My Husband

I did pretty well on Mother's Day and I have to say it was really thanks to my husband. Also to Emily for sending me sweet messages throughout the day. Mike signed up for YouTube red and kept me busy watching "Cobra Kai" most of the day so my mind didn't wander. However, the night........the nights are always the worst and they have been since Jude left. The night is when your brain seems to go into overdrive, maybe it's the darkness that causes it. So when I asked late in the evening to go for a drive Mike really didn't question me and we took off in my little Beetle with the top down. It was a nice night and I was able to clear my thoughts a little. Then when I got back the sadness set in a bit again. I finally fell asleep but that didn't last long. I woke up throughout the night having dreams of Jude and not being able to fall back asleep. I texted my work that I needed some time this morning and as usual, they were ever accommodating.

Mike has been my rock during my grief. He always seems to know when I am down and what I am thinking. He also reacts to remedy a potential situation before I have time to react which speaks volumes. He knows me! He knows I hate highways and traffic so he takes the backroads and drives slow. He knows I love movies and a good series so he thinks ahead about items I might like. He loves me skinny, fluffy, happy, sad, you get the drift!  Someone recently told me I can travel without Mike and I remember thinking, I just really don't want to. I know I can but I prefer him to be with me. Don't get me wrong we have our moments and he has to go to his man cave and myself to my girl cave but overall I just prefer to have my husband at my side.  Yesterday in honor of Mother's Day he left me this profound message, "I know what a difficult day today can be. Today delivers twice the loss. To reflect on the loss of Child and Mother is far more than one should endure. Just know I love you and you have been the greatest Mother and wife." 

We have been through the worst. After the Jude passed I remember sitting in the funeral home having to make decisions about Jude's burial. I remember feeling blank and like I was just floating in a dream. I overhead Mike talking outside the door and said, "I just have to get my wife through this." I am always strong and always able to keep going in life but for the first time, I had someone realize I wasn't well. I was hanging on by a very small thread and that person dedicated their time to make sure I would be okay. I am forever grateful to him and very proud he is my husband. God knew I would need someone by my side and I am blessed.

I am also very blessed to be the mom of two amazing children! Hope everyone had a good Mother's Day.

The Dream

I don't believe this is something I have shared before. It's something I keep close to my heart and I have finally started talking more about the experience. 

After Jude passed away our house was very quiet and very lonely. I sometimes would crawl into his bed to sleep before they came and took his bed away. I was desperate for some sort of reassurance that Jude was okay. We all have our faith but that faith can be questioned when you lose someone so close. So here was my reassurance. I had a very detailed dream. 

I dreamt there were two angels that came to my bedside while I was sleeping. They were so tall they almost reach my ceiling and they were two large pillars of light. They had a face but no mouth because they did not need a mouth to communicate. They were intimidating but comforting all at the same time and they made it very clear I needed to come with them. I sat up in my bed and I walked in between them towards my window in my bedroom. Suddenly I was moving very fast without walking. I wasn't going up like they teach you in books and I wasn't going down either. I was moving horizontally and soon I was in a black mass of stars. I looked at both the angels for some sort of reassurance that everything was okay but they only looked forward towards their destination. Once we arrived I was on what looked like Earth. The angels were gone but I knew they were not far away. I began walking towards the lake on the softest grass I had ever felt. The air was crisp and clean, and there was nothing to fear in any way. Suddenly I saw Jude walking towards me and I started crying. When he walked up to me I just opened my arms and he walked over to me and motioned I sit down. He then crawled into my arms and laid down like he used to in my arms. I asked him, "don't you want to stand?" but he just shook his head no. He just laid there for awhile and I felt this amazing sense of calm. After awhile Jude got up and hugged me goodbye, he turned to walk away and just smiled, then he was gone. The angels reappeared and I remember in detail them taking me home the same way I arrived. 

I felt more reassured that Jude was safe and happy. I venture to believe this was real. 

We are raising funds to put a Buddy Bench in at Jude's elementary school which will help spread kindness. If you would like to help here is the link. 
https://www.gofundme.com/judes-buddy-bench?pc=fb_co_dashindex_w&rcid=r01-152509604502-b80359de3e5c4cac

Dear Jude,

Dear Jude,


I can't believe it's almost been two years since you left us, it seems like it was just yesterday. This week is a hard one and I am not sure I could ever put into words just how hard it is in a way that anyone could truly understand. It is physically painful to get up in the morning and get ready to come to work and to go home knowing your bright smile won't be there waiting on me. Since you have been gone there have been lots of changes in our lives. Not long after we lost you we made the decision to sell the house and move. After you left the home was just so quiet that it was overwhelming and all I could see every time I walked in the living room was your face so still and lifeless. The experts say you are suppose to wait at least a year before you make any life altering decisions after a tragedy. This is yet again an example of the fact that experts don't know everything and you need to do what's best for you. I felt better after we moved and I felt like you lead us to the home we are at today.


Your dad suffered a massive infection to his heart after we lost you which was very scary but he is doing better now! He immerses himself into gardening and gaming to occupy his mind. It's when your dad gets still that he gets so very sad without you.  Your sister went away to college and then decided to come home for a semester. She will be returning to the University Of Alabama in the fall and will be finishing our her nursing degree there. She has a hard time with your loss even though she doesn't really see it now. She cannot really talk about you but someday she will.


Nurse Charlotte, oh lovely Charlotte never went back to pediatric nursing. I think her heart literally broke in two when we lost you and it took awhile to piece back together again. She worked in elderly hospice for awhile and now as a new position at a hospital. Nurse Allan still texts every day he works, "Good Morning Glory" in his bright loud Goat way! He comes to see us when he can and he is caring for two new boys. He says in the early morning hours when no one is awake he sits and sheds his tears before his shift starts. Nurse Candice is as funny as ever and I get to keep up with her on Facebook. Oh and guess what? Dr Riela retired!! I told Mike you just made an impact on everyone.


The house we moved into has land that you would love! Since we have more room you know your dad found a way to get more animals! First we got Blue who ironically walked up during an outdoor memorial party we were having for you when we first moved in. He is a big brown dog and he just walked up and laid his head on your dad's lap. When your dad found the owner she didn't really want him anymore so VOILA we have a new dog! Emily adores Blue and is always spoiling him rotten. Next we got Buddy the pig, oh he is a stinker. Your dad calls him Boudreaux and he is so super smart! Lastly, we had a stray cat walk up who before we could get her fixed sh had kittens. So we have a zoo, we bought a zoooooo!


On Sunday we are having an Emily's Smile Box party in your honor where we will be putting together 250 Smile Boxes to benefit local hospitals. We have invited everyone we can to come out and remember your spirit and help us help others. Then on Monday I have asked everyone to do something kind in your honor and to please tag us. I have also asked them to wear their superhero outfits again!  I am hoping this will spread like wildfire and that many people hear the words, "I did it for Jude" Sunday - Monday. Your mom is taking off the day on Monday and I plan to just meditate in peace with your memories surrounding me.


It's the little things that get to your dad and I right now. It can be a song, walking pass a bottle of Pedialyte, hearing a baby giggle, or a simple beautiful Cardinal sitting outside our door. The tears just creep up and sting as we hold them back in public. The knot in our throat is sometimes hard to swallow back down but we manage. We live each day to see Emily grow and thrive and to get closer to seeing you. Death is no longer scary when you have lost a child.


We hope you are happy and thriving where you are at. I see your signs at times and I love every one of them. Well my lunch is over so back to work I go. I love and miss you always.




Love, Mom

Updates and Mass Shootings

This may be a long blog with lots of updates and my very unsolicited opinions. As I stated before I obtained a new boss in September.  I feel like this was a Godsend and something that was really needed in my life. I feel like I have a purpose again and I am able to get out in the field and market to obtain new business.  When I hurt my back the new boss paid to have a massage, he comes in and talks with me each day, and just seems truly interested in his employees well being. I think I needed this little push because I was so sad and lost without Jude. I still am but at least I now feel I have a reason to get up and keep going each day. I have been taking better care of myself and enjoying my time with my family too.

I do still have nightmares and anxiety, which is normal. Last night I dreamt the house caught on fire and I was trying to get home. By the time I got there all our animals were lost and then I saw Emily's car and she wasn't supposed to be home so I just started bawling. Typical dream of being afraid of losing others in my life. I still miss Jude every single day and sometimes I just let the tears flow but I know he is always near.

So let's move on to the controversial debates regarding mass shootings. Gosh my heart goes out to the family and friends of the victims in Florida. I cannot imagine burying my child because someone else took their life in a violent act. Last year, while Emily was completing her senior year at Byron Nelson High school in Trophy Club Emily, texted me the unthinkable. "Mom, there is an active shooter at my school. I am hiding in the theater closet behind clothes. I wanted you to know I am safe."  This was not long after we lost Jude. I remember looking at my phone and trying to comprehend what she was telling me. I slowly got up from my desk, walked to my bosses office, and let him know I was leaving. I text my husband and then left. My husband called the office and my boss seemed perplexed I left. My husband replied, "All I know is if your wife tells you there is an active shooter at your child's school and to go to the school you leave and go to the school." We sat on the corner in front of the school and watched every major SWAT team and bomb squad from the metroplex area pull into my daughter's school. Emily would sporadically text updates,

"They're saying its bombs and a shooter"
"Mom, I am scared"
"Mom if something happens to me I want you to know how much I love you"
"We are hearing the shooter is in the athletic haul"
"They're making us turn off our phones"

We were listening to the police scanner outside the school the entire time. We saw a few of the squad's drive around to the athletic haul. They began screaming BREACH BREACH BREACH and inside they went. Finally, after 9pm that night lines of kids began emerging from the building without their backpacks, without purses, without anything, and with their hands up. We scanned all the lines of children until we finally saw Emily's face and we all hugged for a very long time. We found out later a student inside the school was texting exact locations to someone outside the school so they could call the policy and inform them of movement of the fictional shooter/bomber. However, Emily still swears something else went on in that school.

It was ridiculous! It was a situation I had talked to Emily about and the school had practiced shooter drills. I had always told Emily if you cannot get out get hidden and the theater would be great. Sure enough, she found that little dark closet that locked. Our kids should NOT have to think about this. I truly believe Eric Harris (don't know him look him up) was the devil and started this mass chain reaction.

I know many will react to this blog but I really hope that everyone takes a second no matter what side of the debate you are on and just think things through for a moment. Not everything in life is black and white, there is a whole lot of gray! I feel like the two sides of the gun issues are so passionate about their stance that they cannot listen to compromise or focus on realistic solutions. I don't know the exact way to stop these massive tragic losses but I know it's time to do something. I am well aware there are other situations going on in America like abortion, Chicago, suicide at schools, etc but I am not talking about those situations right now. I am addressing mass shootings. I am addressing something that should never happen and that our children shouldn't worry about. My child should never have been cowering in a dark closet for hours fearing for her life.

So my ideas? They would take work and I understand they may seem a bit irrational but I believe this can be done.

1. Ban backpacks - Emily's school started a trend like this. No lockers and no large backpacks. All textbooks are kept in class and used there. I would take it a step further and ramp up the rule to match local stadiums. No purses or bags larger than a specific size. Atheltic bags stay in the athletic dept and musical instruments stay in the band hall.

2. Metal Detectors with a central point of entry. Yes, I know.......how do I expect schools to pay for this? I don't know the answer but I do believe if districts can afford massive multi-million dollar stadiums they can afford a few metal detectors with security guards in the morning or rotate teachers. If they aren't a big district then possibly the government could help, local citizens, or even make it a community service project for major sports teams. Somehow some way if your child was in a shooting you would find a way.

3. Follow Texas in the Protect Texas Children Act of 2013 and actively train and arm teachers. The Senate passed act allows 1 teacher per 400 children to be armed. The teachers go through 80 hours of intense training and screening. The schools then display signs (Look up Argyle ISD armed) that say "Our teachers are armed and will take any means necessary to protect our students." AMEN! The argument here is, what if the teacher snaps, what if a student gets the gun, and we cannot even afford pencils. My favorite ridiculous argument is the last one. First Argyle and many others have been fully armed since 2013 and not ONE of these districts has had an incident. It is psychologically proven that a criminal that wants a victim will rarely walk into a situation where he knows HE can be the victim. Therefore the signs are a huge deterrent because the armed shooter will know he could quickly be taken down before ever taking action. The only high school mass shooter situation stopped in the midst of the situation was the Pearl HS shootings. The VP ran to his vehicle and obtained his own personal weapon and held the shooter captive until police arrived.

4. Oh people are going to hate this one and I want you to know I come from a gun-toting, military, bad ass family. I believe we should ban AR-15's and other high caliber rifles. Before anyone starts in I know exactly what an AR-15 is. I know AR does not stand for Assault Rifle but Armalite because the rifle was named after the company that made them. I know it was first used in the Vietnam war because the M14 they were using was just too heavy and cumbersome. Put the M14 up against an AK47 and there was just no match. So it originally came out as the M16 and fully automated the AR15 is the civilian version that is semiautomatic. Now here is what I want you to think on, the AR can fire dozens of rounds in seconds and is a more accurate shot than many military weapons. It can also be customized, which we have all learned. I just see ZERO need for the weapons. Again keep in mind I am pro-gun and my family is armed and any gun family, if being truthful, will tell you an AR-15 is a killing machine. That's what it's built for. I can see maybe hunting hogs but besides that zero need for sports hunting..........unless hunting humans. I believe I can adequately protect my family without one of these weapons. However, I would also be okay with heavy regulation of these weapons. Did you know in Florida you can buy this weapon if you are 18 and have a clean record? There is absolutely no wait? I believe we pro-gun families should lead the way in making sure only responsible, evaluated, screened people have access to weapons.

So let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Will they ever ban these weapons, I highly doubt it. Will they ever ban guns and repeal our 2nd amendment, no way ever. It's just NOT going to happen and there are many responsible gun owners. I think we look at other solutions like I listed in numbers 1-3. Regardless we can argue all we want in America but the fact is these students and others are being slain.

I want you to think hard about what happened to these kids in Florida. We can point out the size of bullets used in the AR or other pointless information that if not combined with the total facts is useless. The smaller bullets and high velocity equal a bad outcome. These kids were assaulted, their bodies ripped by bullet holes, and their friends forced to watch. The school is soaked in blood, bullet holes through computers, and lives scarred forever. These parents are having to decide as they sit in a shock at a funeral home if they're going to cremate or bury their child. I have been in that seat and trust me it's a horrible decision to make! I know this is graphic but I believe it's going to take graphic to make a change. Come on AMERICA! Do something! It's time.

Jude's Unconditional Love

"Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism or complete love." Wikipedia. 

What is unconditional love to you? It's something I have thought over this past week as I guide myself through another thorny path in life. I mulled over all the times and situations in my life that would fall under unconditional love. I think we parents have a true understanding of the definition listed above and that we find this love in our marriages too. 

When Jude was so sick he would vomit on a regular basis. There were very late nights and early morning that I spent beside his bed wiping vomit up, changing sheets, and changing his pajamas. His medications would cause Jude to have very bad diapers as well so there was pretty much always a cleanup factory going at my house. Despite the messes and the lack of sleep my love for Jude was stronger than anything we would encounter. I would just stroke his hair, kiss him on the cheek (possibly get thrown up on), and get him cleaned up. This would repeat on a regular basis leaving me exhausted for work, but he was worth it. Jude was just pure innocence and anything he did he always had a smile on his face. He also loved everyone in his family with his entire heart. You could just see in his eyes how much he loved you! 

So when there are days that I may not agree with someone I love, I feel alone, or I am not sure my future I remember his big bright smile. I remember his unconditional love for me because I am sure I was very difficult sometimes. There may have been nights that I was so stressed that Jude was wondering what in the world I was doing but he still kept that smile. Jude never uttered mean words, he never questioned my love for him, and he was basically the type of person I would love to be. 

He is a reminder to me to not give up on those I love and to always give one hundred percent of my heart. That as trying as life can be sometimes there is always a suction to suck away what makes you choke, a light to help you see in the dark, and someone there to help you clean your mess.  There is always someone who will kiss your cheek when you are down, raise you up when you are low, and speak reasoning when there is no reason to find. 

Thank you Jude. 

You Will Want To Read This Update

I have been so busy at work I haven't been able to blog very much or even talk very much. I have a bit of a break today so I thought I would share a lot of items that are running through my constantly moving mind. Some of which some may find surprising and others exciting. 

First off I explained on my prior blog that Emily has transferred home. She started TWU this week and is going to spend a semester there before deciding to pursue her nursing degree at TWU or another TX.  Who know she may even return to Alabama. I won't get into too much detail because everyone deserves their privacy but Emily has hit that stage in life where she is trying to find herself. We have all been there and we can all appreciate the struggle that lies before her. Luckily we all know with time life plays out before our eyes and lays the path we are set to follow. Luckily she and Dan the man are doing great and he is a huge pillar of emotional support for her. We even included Mr. Dan in our Christmas cards this year. 

We also included Jude in our own special way. 

So before Jude left us Mike and I on multiple occasions talked about having another baby. I decided I didn't want to risk a child having another stroke so then we talked about adoption. We did a lot of research on the subject but in the end I made the difficult decision that although I wanted to expand our family it just wasn't right at the time. Jude's life was complicated and Emily already had enough time taken away from her. So we felt Emily and Jude needed to be our primary concern and we left out family the way it was. After Jude passed the subject came up again but I just wasn't ready. I struggled with the feeling I was "replacing" Jude even though I knew I wasn't going to be doing that because Jude is irreplaceable.  However I also knew we wanted more children and siblings for Emily.  Finally after long discussions and research our family has made the decision to adopt! It's exciting, scary, thrilling, and emotional all at the same time. With just our family knowing we have gone through the background checks, finger printing, financial checks, and more. We are now to the class stages and we even have the great Argyle Fire dept volunteering to help us with CPR classes and inspections.  We will look at children who have had their rights terminated so we will not endure court battles. This was a plan we have thought out and planned for awhile now. I wasn't sure the reactions I would receive so today I started making phone calls and I met with extremely happy and emotional "HOORAY'S" and tears. It was reassuring! We also received the most heartfelt amazing letter from Jude's neurologist that he sent as a reference. I was so touched I cried whale tears! So you guys will get to follow another journey through our blog. One that we feel compelled to participate in and help make a difference in the world. I feel Jude is guiding us and holding our hands along this path. It seems any time I need reassurance we are heading in the right direction I look up and see a picture of his smiling face. 

What I learned from Pageants and Jude

Well that's an odd combination of a title isn't it? However I was thinking recently how much I have learned from running a pageant system, being involved with Emily in pageants, and Jude's life. So in honor of Miss Texas USA (live this weekend online) here we go.

1. These situations were at times extremely chaotic but I learned that stress can cause a manageable situation to become unmanageable very quickly. So to keep myself in check I realized the world is not black and white that there are a lot of grey answers. So when I felt myself spinning out of control I would sit down and list the solutions for the problem at hand. Many times I would find there wasn't just one solution but multiple possibilities that could be implemented. This would temper my stress because I would realize this would work out and everything would be okay.

2. To be kind to everyone you meet. The old saying that everyone is fighting a battle is true. Some people have battles they are fighting like keeping a very sick child alive. Some are struggling with money, others with weight, some with depression, others anxiety, and many other situations. No battle is larger than any other battle. Plus you never know who you are dealing with so don't make assumptions. The person you may think is annoying may turn out to be a huge ally and have a heart of gold. The beggar you ridicule may be a millionaire just wanting to help someone else in need. While working pageants I reminded myself that the moms just want the best for their daughters and that many times their efforts to help are true and genuine.

3. Patience is a virtue.The car racing home really isn't going to save any time but only put others in danger so is the danger worth not having the patience?  Sitting in a doctors office for hours on end without any answers or reasons can exhaust a person physically and mentally. So this is where you have to get creative with patience. I constantly hear, "Your phone is HUGE!" I have an Iphone 6 plus. I generally just laugh to myself and refer to the line above about not making assumptions. If they only knew I purchased it so Jude and I could watch movies together in ICU.

Remember to have patiences with a child and this will prevent regrets later in life when you look back on your words and actions. Again I will reference an old saying that people may forget what you did but they will never forget what you said and how you made them feel.

4. If someone offers to help LET THEM! It took me awhile but I began accepting offers when people offered to cook for us, clean up, and help with laundry when Jude was so ill. It increased the quality of our lives. In addition one of the best oiled machines of the pageant industry (in my opinion) is the Miss Dallas USA system. The director has mastered the skill of utilizing the help of former winners, mother of winners, past contestants, and friends to make sure his pageant runs smoothly. Even having someone manage a simple job like selling program books can be helpful. When an event in life or on stage runs like a well played song it generally is with the help of many caring and interested parties. This kindness is given in return for your kindness and hard work that shows throughout your business and life. It's a true give and receive situation that is never ending

5. Don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously I cannot stress this enough. Those minimal little issues that will soon be remedied don't deserve the extra stress and sweat. I encourage others to stop when you feel upset and evaluate the situation. Is this truly something that deserves your tears, time, and trouble. If not move through it quickly and keep going. With Jude most everything was a HUGE deal but we quickly found that when something didn't need our worry it didn't get our stress. This applies to pageants too. Pageants are a form of sport and entertainment. They are there to better yourself and enjoy your time in life. If Emily lost or didn't place how she wanted I used to always give her time to be disappointing in our hotel room. Then I would tell her "Dust yourself off, congratulate the winner, thank the director, and decide if you want to try again. That's really all there is to it because once you walk out that door you don't dwell on it again." I feel this rule applies to many aspect of our life. We cannot always win everything and we cannot always be successful but if you try that's what matters.
Your commitment to a project in my opinion far exceeds the possibility of winning.

6. Stop nagging yourself and others. Whether it's a special needs parent with a nurse, your family, or a pageant director stop nagging. There are ways to express your thoughts in a clear and precise manner and a nice way to express them. This will make you happier and those around you much happier too. It will also motivate others to listen to you and product a more positive outcome. I now stop myself and ask myself if the situation is truly worth nagging or berating someone or can the situation be settled amicably and nicely. Can you leave the person you are talking with feeling better than when the conversation started? If so then why not choose that route. 

Other ways I found to improve my life when it was so chaotic is to not live in fear, push out the negative, gravitate to the positive, eliminate people that aren't nice, and try to add value to someone else's life. I know this seems like an odd combination and topic but hopefully you got something positive out of it today!

Happy Weekend!

Christmas Review

Christmas overall was nice. In tradition we had people over for Christmas Eve just like we did when Jude was with us. It's turned into our way of remembering Jude with friends and family through stories and just being together. We lit a large candle in the middle of our table for him that everyone sat around while we talked and ate our traditional food. 

Christmas day we started the morning with Emily and her boyfriend by opening gifts and eating a yummy baked french toast casserole. I then went back to sleep because my insomnia is horrible. It's something I have dealt with when Jude was alive and even more when he has passed. Jude used to get up every morning about 3-4 am needing to be turned and generally vomiting. We didn't have a nurse until the last year of his life so my body is just programmed to wake up at that particular time. So I slept for several hours before getting up to bake the lasagna to take to my family's home. It was refreshing and my body felt better overall. 

We held up pretty well overall during the holiday but on the way home last night I couldn't stop the tears. I realized that no matter how many holidays pass I will never go home on Christmas again to see nurse Allan's shiny smile and Jude's sweet face. I will never open the door the day after Christmas with sleep still in my eyes to nurse Charlotte waiting to see Jude. So I cried. That's really all you can do is just express your emotion through tears or anger. I choose to let my emotions flow freely through the tears that I mostly conceal but Mike generally catches the tears and understands. 

I guess it's rather normal to realize the holiday's will never truly be the same but I also understand they never really were after Jude was born. Jude could never run down the stairs to see what Santa had brought him and buying him gifts were sometimes a struggle. Jude would mostly receive two piece pajama's to accommodate his feeding tube and bright shiny toys with pretty lights. However Christmas was still precious to us and Emily always enjoys the holidays. So we have learned to be grateful for the blessings we have in what God has bestowed upon us. However there are times I lay in bed and wonder what it would be like to be the one that isn't strong anymore. To just have a freak out and say, I cannot life for awhile. I don't want to leave my house or participate in any facet of holidays, birthdays, work, or anything else that requires my full attention. I know this isn't me though so I have realized that PTSD doesn't go away. I still wake up ALL the time because Jude was up so much. I comfort with wine sometimes and I shut myself off to the world and I cannot stand overly crowded noisy rooms.. I can walk through a store and see two piece boy pajama's and I have to beeline behind a shelf while the tears fall freely. I freak OUT on highways and would rather take the scenic route. I have no idea the cause of the last situation except that the grief counselor said Jude's death triggered PTSD from a horrible car wreck Emily and I were in. So as much as people think I am superwoman I do have my issues. Mike said all women have issues you just choose which ones you can live with, lol! So I figure that parents of child loss don't ever truly overcome the PTSD they just learn to cope and live with it. The better I cope with it the better life is overall. 

I think I have learned what works best for my family and what doesn't. Sometimes we push the boundaries but overall I have gotten pretty good and navigating the emotional field of grief. If I don't think attending an event is in our best interest then we don't go. I have said before we tend to go to events that are close to home so we can bow out gracefully if need be and that's okay. If people cannot deal with it they tend to fall out of our lives and we have had multiple situations like that. It's sad but I understand sometimes people cannot handle our situation and that's allowable and understandable. 

I am not quite sure what 2018 holds for our family. Mike and I are still searching a bit for our purpose like we have been. We have talked more about adoption and we would also like to travel some. Regardless 2018 will have the same emotional holidays that we will tackle with love and hope. We pray for Emily's health and wisdom and for peace to all we love and those we have lost. 

After writing this blog I found a precious picture on me memory feed. One that seems to say, "In the midst of a storm you still have to smile." 

The Hard Holidays

Christmas is fast approaching and although our hearts are full of joy they are also laced with lots of hurt. The pain of Jude's loss does not diminish and it seems to become heavier as the holiday looms around the corner. A simple song, a pair of pajamas, a child's giggle, or a sighting of Santa can immediately caused tears to well in our eyes. I don't get the urge to scream like many people do after their tragic losses but I do get the urge to escape into a bath tub of warm water to shed many tears. I have heard people say they put on a mask each day to get up and just life. I fluctuate between feeling I have a mask on and realizing I am just learning to live without my child. It's just yet another new normal we have had to conquer and a cruel education on how to continue to function. So for the most part we are making each day work. I do however still get very irritated by those who are worried about what seems to be things in life that are just truly not that important. 

Loss does make you truly appreciate all those around you though. Despite how anyone may anger you at times death makes you realize you have to let go of that feeling fairly quickly. It also teaches you to be very grateful for each day with your loved ones you have and I am afraid it also makes you wonder when the next shoe will drop. Emily is home and has been experiencing times when her hands and fingers turn blue.........like BLUE! Not brrrrr I am cold but like her hands were dyed blue. The doctor today seems to think it's just a circulation issue but they have requested she see her primary doctor so I am working on that appointment. I can promise this situation sent Mike and I for a JOLT this weekend and does have me worried. Although I do know the parameters and my first questions were: 

1. Are you dizzy - no
2. Are you short of breath - no
3. Have you had a cough - yes. 
4. Are you cold? Not really. 

So who knows but I don't think it's anything pressing and we will get her in to get looked at by the additional doctor.  Emily has also (drumroll) made the decision to come home to Texas. She did OUTSTANDNING academically at the University Of Alabama and has ended the semester with a 3.48 GPA. That's based on her calculation but she is waiting to hear the final grade and still still hoping for the Dean's list. She has not excelled emotionally due to multiple circumstances including the great loss she has endured over the last year. So she will be transferring to TWU into their nursing program which is ranked 4th in TX. I have no doubt where ever she will go she will strive and this was a great lesson in learning to do what makes you happy in life not what people expect you to do.  She may stay there or transfer again but she will do what's best for her and what makes her happy. I am very proud of her for that! Emily will be making an announcement about this in the next few weeks but I knew my friends would be wondering what was going on. 

I still have a desire to be as honest and raw through my blog and actions as possible. I think it's important for people to understand the depth of grief and pain people can feel and that it's okay to have those feelings. Around holidays parents that have lost children can be short tempered, tired, sleepless, angry, erratic, forgetful, and they can be overly emotional. So just remember to extend a little patience if you know someone in this situation and to know as much as you want them to get better this can last a lifetime. They just need your patience, love, and understanding. I guess we all really need that in life and if we all took a moment to extend it the world would be a better place.

Oh those hard days.

Mike and I almost seem to be in sync in regards to our emotions. We can be having the worst Jude day and not say a word to each other that one of us is suffering. Then a little text will come in that simply says, "It's a hard day" and the reply text is always, "here too." I am not sure why it hits us both on particular days but it does.

Today we are both OVER what seems to be petty problems people complain about. We both understand they are huge problems to that individual person but in our aspect of the world of child loss they don't seem large to us. So we just try to remember everyone is dealing with something and to treat everyone with kindness.

I am sure it's because the holiday is approaching again and little boys with toys are running around with spunk. We cannot help but look at those little boys and dream of Jude. So today I will work on being grateful for the blessings in front of us and all the time we had with precious Jude.

The Silence

Gosh I have been so busy I feel like I am missing everyone. Being busy is a great thing though and I am making great strides at work which makes me feel accomplished. The holidays are fast approaching again and that always brings mixed feelings of sadness and joy. I am beginning to battle insomnia a bit again which I think I can directly relate to my feelings regarding the above. At night I generally wake up between 3-4 which is the exact same time I used to wake up with Jude. Sometimes I wake up thinking I hear Jude's oxygen pump whistling, his feeding monitor blaring, or his blood/ox alarm beeping. Mostly though I just hear silence so I run my bathroom fan to drown out how loud the silence is. It's amazing how deafening it can be to hear absolutely nothing. 

Yes it's still sad and yes we still miss Jude very much. However I can say we are starting to find laughter again and are making great strides to get back out and do things. I think work is helping us heal and being involved in the community is helping as well. I have to drag Mike with me but he does go and seems to enjoy himself. 

I am anxious for Emily to get home so we can put up the holiday and remember how much Jude loved the Christmas lights. Last year as people put up the trees they would post pictures on social media and tag them #IdiditforJude. If you think of him I think that would be nice again. 

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone. Be grateful for all you have because you never know when your have could turn into have not. 

Happy Halloween

It's Halloween and we know that's a hard day for us but one I can also look back on with love and smiles. We always had the Emily's Smile Box haunted graveyard, Jude was always dressed up, and a nurse would always stay late to help us so we could work the charity event. I miss those times. I just really miss Jude and his nurses. 

Our lives are getting a bit better and more easier to manage. We are venturing out more than we used to and trying to make an effort to participate in life itself. My work is so busy that I barely have time for many other ventures but that's a good thing. We have multiple charity events and other gala's I get to attend now and that keeps us busy. I still have terrible anxiety especially when I have to go anywhere on the highway in DFW. If you invite me somewhere and it requires us to drive across the metroplex I will be a RAGING mess by the time I get there. SO don't get offended if I say no. We tend to invite people over to our house so I feel more comfortable and in my safe zone. Hopefully people understand. We still pop in the cemetery to tell Jude hi and we notice everyone's little items they still leave on his grave and it's very thoughtful. 

So life is moving on and we are keeping up for a change. I am not sure what all lies in wait for us but taking life a step at a time is working for now. 

Hope everyone is well. 

A Mid Week Update

I haven't written a lot lately. I guess that's because I am doing okay. I have hard Jude days still but mostly my memories are good ones of him. I had someone describe the loss of a child recently and I thought it was a good description. She had lost a limb and said when she first lost her leg she always felt pain even though her leg wasn't there anymore. She would reach for it, try to touch it, and try to rub the pain away but there was nothing physical for her to relate to anymore. She said it was the worst pain she had ever experienced until she lost of a child. She mentioned how she could correlate of the loss of a limb with the loss of a child because physically they just are not there anymore. 

So I basically have a new job. My agent that I worked for has retired and our office was taken over by a new agent out of Colleyville. I really like him and I think our agency will grow rapidly. So if you have any quotes you need on home, auto, life, commercial, or other insurance agencies please let me know. 

We are trying to go through a refinance on our home so a few prayers would be great. As usual something always pops up. Taxes in Texas are just becoming outrageous so this refi would help. 

Emily is doing very well. I am working on getting her home for Thanksgiving. It will be nice to see her! I miss seeing her bright smile everyday when I get home. 

All the snimals on the farm are well and we are taking it step by step each day. Well short and sweet but that's the quick update. 

Update

It has been awhile since I posted and that's only because I wasn't sure how to phrase my post. I work at an insurance agency that was taken over by a new agent and the new agent is amazing. I have again been blessed!!! My ten year wedding anniversary is coming up and despite what we have been through my loving husband and I are still together. Emily is thriving at Alabama but she is a little homesick.

However for some reason I feel more alone than I ever have. Jude is still gone and I am still sad. Life is still marching toward as well it should but it marches without my Jude. I still need my friends and I feel like a huge burden and from what I have read this is a normal everyday feeling so I am just chalking this up to hypersensitivity and my own issues after Jude's loss. I imagine after a job change, the loss of a child, and major catastrophic storm that anyone would have some stress.

I think what happened in Vegas is bothering me. So many parents lost their children last night and they're just starting this horrible journey!!

Tears and Floods

I have taken on some new roles with the work I do and I am so busy that people aren't hearing from me much. Just know I am still here and love you all! Because I have been so busy Mike took me to dinner last night. While at our table there was the most adorable little girl sitting next to us. She had big beautiful brown eyes and the cutest bob haircut. She was with her grandparents and kept playing with her grandmother laughing out loud. At first I smiled because she was so infectiously adorable. Then the tears that generate out of no where just fell like Niagra Falls and I could not stop them. Mike joked that we couldn't get the waitress to pay for our bill. I said, "well hell no she's back there thinking I am NOT going to that table." And then we both laughed which is all you can do. 

Many of you know I am in Texas just merely four hours away from the devastating floods affecting the great state I live in. I've seen such horrible devastation and Mike and I both have family and friends affected. We ask that you pray and donate to those in need. This catastrophe will take years to recover from and we don't need to forget about those in need!  

I am currently watching the movie, "John Q" and man I can so relate! I would not go to those extremes but having a medically fragile child and trying to get medical help with insurance can be that frustrating. 

We are leaving for our short trip to celebrate Jude's life and his birthday on Friday. I am leaving our animal sitter with all our bad babies and I have informed him they're much worse than Marley on Marley and me lol. 

Have a good night! I am blogging on my phone so forgive my grammar.

The Circle Theory.

What does Graham Allen say?, "Watch out America because this one's going to sting!" It stung me but I learned from it. 

I have taken on a new position at work so I don't have much time to blog anymore. However I decided to take a mini lunch break today to check my Facebook and update my blog. 

About a year ago I posted a blog with the link to an article about the circle theory. Basically it works like this. If a person is affected by a tragedy or major situation then you place that person and their immediate family (spouse and children) in the inner most part of the circle. Then you draw additional circles around the middle which associates to the next closest people. So a circle for family, then friends, then co workers, etc, etc. You cannot dump anything negative into the inner circles and you need to refrain from getting involved more than you have been asked to with the inner circles. Even though last year we were the inner most part of the theory I decided to adopt this way of thinking in my regular life and I can report a year later it's been amazing! I figured this circle theory could apply to more than just tragedies and personal struggles. 

In other words I withdrew myself as much as possible from any negativity, drama, or tragic situations that I should not be personally involved in. If I have a friend or family member that has a situation going on then I let them know I am here if they need me and I step back until I am asked for help. I have realized people's personal tragedies and circumstances are not my own personal drama's. So if there is a divorce, a drug situation, a death, problems in a marriage, school issues, a separation, a child drop out of school, or other issues I realize it's not my personal drama.  Nor is my opinion needed or requested unless it's been personally asked for. My friends and my family know I am there if they need me but me sitting around participating in dramatic conversations that only lead to further frustrations doesn't help. Me sitting around being worried and stressed over a situation out of my control, does not help. So I take care of what I can in my own immediate family's life, I realize before I judge that my mirror is dirty too, and I let those I love know I am there is they want and need me there. 

I am not saying I won't speak up if someone is being abused or mistreated because I will. However eliminating situations out of my life that my opinion and decisions have no bearing on has had a significant difference in my personal stress level. I for one really like the circle theory! 

The Seconds

When I first lost Jude I heard parents who had lost children say that the second year is the hardest. I personally thought they were insane and disregarded their comments. I can now admit that the parents that told me this information were very well versed in grief and were spot on.  I think you spend so much of your life right after losing someone very close in deep shock and you don't truly FEEL anything. I personally ran from the situation and immersed myself into work, traveling, or having multiple glasses of wine. Now that I have a reign on my grieving process I feel very very alone. I'm not lost but I do feel alone and almost a bother to those around me. Simple tasks seem like MT Everest to me and require a lot of patience from others.

It's mostly all based on my own hang ups but I do see many other grieving parents struggle with the same feelings I do. The "seconds"'seem to far exceed the "firsts" in emotional turmoil. The second birthday is fast approaching and even though we are getting away it's still extremely sad. I realize that the tiny baby face I remember so vividly in my mind never really stood a shot at life as we know it. I also realize I am older and cannot have anymore children and I am not sure I want to adopt so I'm conflicted. While I watch everyone drop their children at the first day of school this week I realize Jude would be 9! He would be in the fourth grade and probably amazingly smart like Mike. This week of back to school has been a hard but one I share in joy and sadness with those around me. I watch your children with a smile while I try to cover my true pain but still smile in admiration at you're triumphs.

Some might think it's because of Emily is gone but it's not because I am so incredibly proud of Em! She rushed Delta Gamma this week (story for another day) and she's called me multiple times. Even though today's call was to find her laundry detergent, lol. I do miss Emily and seeing her beautiful smile each night on my couch but I know she will do so well.

I think in the second year I have also become more aware that we all have personal tragedies going on and I realize that even though I need people sometimes they just don't have anything to give and vice versa. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I have left in me but then I email or text a friend late at night and someone is always there with a smile.

So what's been the hardest part of the second year?
1. Not knowing where Jude went
2. The anger! Ugh I'm so mad sometimes especially at what I perceive as stupid pointless arguments in the world. So forgive me if I get wound up
3. I can't sleep... ever. I am still just tired
4. The doctors just say "this is normal"
5. Saying the words, "this isn't any easier" even though I thought it would be.
6. Eliminating those that just continue to drag me down
7. Realizing my life is just to much for others at times and respecting that
8. Realizing what's important to me may not be as important as I perceive it to be

So thank you to those that continued to understand. That knew I was fragile and didn't expect anything in return. I may be sad at times but you are appreciated.

Emily's At College and Jude's Birthday

So this past weekend I flew with my BFF Gina to get Emily's dorm set up. I seriously owe Gina like 400 hours of babysitting or whatever she needs for the past two weekends. She flew all of Emily's luggage to West Virginia for Emily's competition and then she turned around and helped me fly all her luggage again to Alabama. 

I am happy to announce that Emily was second runner up at the Teen International competition!! We were absolutely thrilled she placed so well. Her friend Carly teen CA won the entire event and she was just a doll!! 

So now skip forward to the past weekend and it was a whirlwind. Gina and I flew out very early on Saturday morning and got to Birmingham. From there it was about an hour drive to Tuscaloosa where we had to hunt Emily down in sorority rush week to get the key to her dorm. I made a joke to Gina that I hoped Emily's dorm wasn't on an upper level since we had so many items.......it was on the 5th floor, of course. Anyway, we set the entire room up while she was rushing and we joked via text that we didn't care if she didn't like it. When she got back she was thrilled and extremely grateful! We then took her to dinner and when we dropped her off "Aunt Gina" got a little teary saying goodbye. 

I on the other hand kept myself pretty composed until I shed a few tears on the plane. Not because I am leaving Emily behind because I know she will thrive but because it's another new normal. I should be going home to a son that I would be getting ready for the first day of school but I am not. There are no children scampering around my house this year getting ready for the fall full of Halloween and parties. So that's why I am sad. Emily I am proud of and I know she will excel. She will also be flying back in for the Emily's Smile Box Day in September. I will most likely throw a birthday get together for her at our house after the Smile Box event. 

Speaking of we are scrambling a bit to raise another $2500 for Emily's Smile Boxes for the fillers for the boxes for the event. If or your company would like to make a tax deductible donation we do accept paypal at Emilyssmileboxes@yahoo.com. It's getting to that time of year where we have to place the order for all the boxes, labels, postcards, and fillers for the event. 

So I also have some exciting news coming up that I will share with everyone soon but I will say it's a positive thing. :) 

Mike and I heading to Pagosa Springs CO for Jude's birthday to have some quiet time alone and relax with nature. I am looking forward to some time with him.