Christmas is fast approaching and although our hearts are full of joy they are also laced with lots of hurt. The pain of Jude's loss does not diminish and it seems to become heavier as the holiday looms around the corner. A simple song, a pair of pajamas, a child's giggle, or a sighting of Santa can immediately caused tears to well in our eyes. I don't get the urge to scream like many people do after their tragic losses but I do get the urge to escape into a bath tub of warm water to shed many tears. I have heard people say they put on a mask each day to get up and just life. I fluctuate between feeling I have a mask on and realizing I am just learning to live without my child. It's just yet another new normal we have had to conquer and a cruel education on how to continue to function. So for the most part we are making each day work. I do however still get very irritated by those who are worried about what seems to be things in life that are just truly not that important.
Loss does make you truly appreciate all those around you though. Despite how anyone may anger you at times death makes you realize you have to let go of that feeling fairly quickly. It also teaches you to be very grateful for each day with your loved ones you have and I am afraid it also makes you wonder when the next shoe will drop. Emily is home and has been experiencing times when her hands and fingers turn blue.........like BLUE! Not brrrrr I am cold but like her hands were dyed blue. The doctor today seems to think it's just a circulation issue but they have requested she see her primary doctor so I am working on that appointment. I can promise this situation sent Mike and I for a JOLT this weekend and does have me worried. Although I do know the parameters and my first questions were:
1. Are you dizzy - no
2. Are you short of breath - no
3. Have you had a cough - yes.
4. Are you cold? Not really.
So who knows but I don't think it's anything pressing and we will get her in to get looked at by the additional doctor. Emily has also (drumroll) made the decision to come home to Texas. She did OUTSTANDNING academically at the University Of Alabama and has ended the semester with a 3.48 GPA. That's based on her calculation but she is waiting to hear the final grade and still still hoping for the Dean's list. She has not excelled emotionally due to multiple circumstances including the great loss she has endured over the last year. So she will be transferring to TWU into their nursing program which is ranked 4th in TX. I have no doubt where ever she will go she will strive and this was a great lesson in learning to do what makes you happy in life not what people expect you to do. She may stay there or transfer again but she will do what's best for her and what makes her happy. I am very proud of her for that! Emily will be making an announcement about this in the next few weeks but I knew my friends would be wondering what was going on.
I still have a desire to be as honest and raw through my blog and actions as possible. I think it's important for people to understand the depth of grief and pain people can feel and that it's okay to have those feelings. Around holidays parents that have lost children can be short tempered, tired, sleepless, angry, erratic, forgetful, and they can be overly emotional. So just remember to extend a little patience if you know someone in this situation and to know as much as you want them to get better this can last a lifetime. They just need your patience, love, and understanding. I guess we all really need that in life and if we all took a moment to extend it the world would be a better place.