Friday, September 14, 2018

Life Update 15 million

It is lunch time so I thought I would take some time to update my blog and all the updates surrounding our life. Unfortunately, Mike's father did pass away and yesterday we had his funeral. He had a beautiful Catholic mass followed by an awe-inspiring burial at the National Cemetery in Dallas. I had to smile several times at his services when the little children attending were acting up, running up an aisle, or making noise. I noticed their parents would get flustered but I could hear Mike's dad say (in his gruff voice), "You leave them alone they're alright!" He loved his grandkids and great-grandchildren. Mike seems to be okay but he does bounce around between emotions and I think he knows the next month is going to be very stressful. I won't go into the details because some things are better kept private but it's going to be a thorny path. I was incredibly grateful to my friends and family that shows up, sent items, and were so supportive of my husband and his family. It was very touching! 

I know people are wanting updates on my health and I don't know much more yet. The doctor did a battery of autoimmune tests the other day and so far the Lyme, Ana Wreflex, Rheumatoid, and C reactive are all negative. I am pending several other results. That's good and bad. It's great there is nothing showing up but it's frustrating we still don't have an answer. The doctor did have a reaction to an event the other day at his office. I explained I was overall feeling better or that I have learned how to manage the situation. I do feel better than I did so that's a positive! Anyway, I explained the night my husband's father died my eye began swelling and drooping again. By the time I got home, I had a throbbing headache and eye pain. He looked at me and said hmmmmmmm that's a stress reaction which leads me to believe this isn't viral." I replied, "neurological" and he shook his head in agreement. He then insisted I get the MRI. Which I know I have to get and yes I have delayed it because I cannot find an open MRI and I am extremely claustrophobic. I know they will probably have to medicate me and just booo. 

My emotions and my brain seem to be wrestling with each other lately. My emotional self-tells my body that if it wants to be well it CAN be well. That if I want to be the storm like in the meme below I can be a hell of a hurricane. That I don't need a diagnosis and I can heal all this with some goat yoga and more. Then my brain steps in and takes over my body and like at the end of the funeral events yesterday it reminds me something truly is going on. My eye began to droop, my body began to ache, my head began to throb and my daughter said, " Mom your face!! We need to go!" It's a very weird feeling to feel out of control of your body. I feel for those that suffer for so long without answers, mines just been two months. 

The rest of life is going well but still chaotic. Mike's niece who I adore just had a baby. I have always felt like babies come to the world when we lose someone we love because the one we lost opens a place for them on Earth. I feel the person we lost leaves an imprint on the child, it may sound crazy but it's just my thoughts. Anyway, his niece wound up back in the hospital with a bad infection so I am saying some prayers for her! 

I have a family member that is a youth pastor, I will save the name for anonymity, haha. Anyway, she said during prayer time at the church she filled out a card for my family that said " I am praying for all the shit to stop" and the pastor read it out loud. I guess the pastor knew that sometimes there are just no other words. 

Overall I am still very grateful for our blessings, I miss Jude with all my heart, and I am so happy I got to see Emily for a few days. There are always silver linings. 

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