I Am Grateful For.......

Next weekend is Thanksgiving. For the first time in years Mike and I will spending Thanksgiving at home. We will fly out Saturday to watch Emily compete for Texas teen. I admire her tenacity and strength to compete again knowing that with 114 girls the outcome may very well be the same. However Emily seems extremely confident and has worked VERY hard for this. I also know Jude will be with her the entire weekend holding her hand and giving her strength. 

So as we head into a season of being thankful I reflect on my blessings. 

I am thankful that I have a beautiful daughter inside and out. Someone who has a level head on her shoulders and who is soulfully years older than the age of her body. A girl that is smart, level headed, genuine, and kind. Also a bit silly and always makes me laugh. 

I am thankful that I got to spend 7 years with the most adorable little boy who just loved to be held and cared for.  I will always cherish Jude's smiles, laughs, and hugs.  I will always be grateful that I was chosen to have Jude and care for such a remarkable spirit who educated so many on the true meaning of love. I am eternally grateful for the nurses who helped us care for him and their everlasting friendship. 

I am thankful for my husband who is my very best friend. Who still loves me after all these hard years we have endured together. Who looks at me with love rather than judgement after all my body has suffered. He is someone I love spending time with and he is my steadfast rock. 

I am grateful that Mike and I both have good jobs that allow us to be in a nice house and put food on our table. 

I am grateful for the best friends a girl could ever have. Friends that know what wine I drink without asking, that I love bubble baths, and who show up without being asked. Friends who rescued me cowering in the bathroom when I was in a full blown panic attack at Jude's funeral. Friends who showed up to pack Jude's items with drinks and food in hand. I may very well be the most blessed person I know in the friendship department. Friends like these who even on my very worst day can make me smile for a picture. 

I am grateful for my family who step in even in times that no one knows they've stepped in. Family who endured years of our heartache and pain with Jude. Family who said Jude's purpose was to just make everyone better and isn't that an amazing purpose. Family who each individual person consists of beautiful personalities and souls intertwined within our own beautiful branching tree. 

I am just grateful for it all. 

Christmas

Emily and Mike have been planning the decorations for our new house for Christmas. As I mentioned before I have not been the least bit excited about Christmas. In fact walking through the stores laced with decorations just makes my heart hurt. However last night I finally got it. Mike was pointing out to me how he wanted to wrap our trees with lights and the decorations he wanted to put out. He said he wanted to light it up so Jude could see it in heaven and be proud. 

Tears. I got it. So we will be decorating the house beautifully. 

Rather over it all!

I am over the election. I am over people being mean and being nasty. Why do American's insist on being cruel to each other? It's just not necessary. Responding to a negative situation with a negative response only breeds more cruelty and less understanding of anyone's situation. The only thing I believe we can do is come together as one despite religion, race, or sexual preference. We must stamp out darkness with love and spread a more positive message. It is possible for people can stand up for what they believe in without being cruel. It's possible to make posts or speak to others with respect and generally if respect is given it is returned. I truly understand people are fearful and that makes me very sad, but I will pray and be hopeful that no ones rights are infringed upon in anyway. We cannot predict the future but we can pray for it. I have a multitude of friends that I would stand behind if anyone tried to infringe upon their rights but until that point we are only guessing. However just know I will stand with you. 

I am tired of people posting and telling others they are grieving and mourning over the election, it makes me very upset. I read it again TODAY for probably the 15th time that someone was in mourning (and they were not joking). I read another post that, they weren't going to let it ruin their life. Without anything transpiring yet could it have truly RUINED your entire life?? I mean really? You personally, not someone who has been attacked but YOU. I am over it. I will tell you what ruins your life, having a precious baby suffer a massive stroke. Hooking up feeding tubes, not getting sleep, and constantly battling with insurance for 7 years. Then watching your seven year old child take their last breath and their body begins to change colors and turn ice cold..............that RUINS your life. An election result that you don't agree with is called a disappointment that you are upset over and something that can be worked through.  I guess because I have been through such a tragedy I can look at a situation and say while I am upset I can still get through this with dignity and grace. Most of my friends are choosing this reaction which makes me proud. 

I have deleted and blocked some people on social media and I may just take a break until this all calms down. I scroll past most posts but the grieving and mourning posts just wash over me with anger. I completely understand people are upset and have a right to be! I am very upset we were not given a better choice of candidates but I also realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about that physically. However I can get down on my knees and pray.  I pray that our nation comes together and loves one another. I pray our new leader will be instilled with the knowledge, power, patience, and understanding it will take to make a positive impact during his presidency. That's what I feel I can do. I can join hands with all my brothers and sisters and pray for a positive outcome. I admire Hillary for wearing purple during her speech, a blend of blue and red thus encouraging everyone to unite and make a difference. 

In the end the reality is people's posts and perceptions are nothing to truly get upset over but sometimes life becomes heavy and venting helps. Explaining to others that mourning is actually a much more complicated avenue to maneuver. True mourning is nothing anyone wants to be a part of and once you are a part of it (which you will be) the definition takes on a much deeper meaning.  I hope maybe this blog will inspire someone to be more positive today and be kind. 

On a more positive note Jude's bench will be placed on Friday. I plan to go at lunch and provide everyone with a picture of their amazing contribution. I cannot wait to sit on it and tell him I love him and miss him. 

Target and the Election

I went to Target today to pick up some items Emily needed for her pageant in three weeks and some snacks she requested. As I walked through the aisles everything was beaming with Christmas tidings. My heart broke again and as I stood in the aisle tears began streaming down my face. Oh the holidays are not easy. If it were up to me I would skip Christmas this year but as mentioned before Emily loves this time of year. We have promised to light our house and put up decorations that she will enjoy. Someday's I look at pictures of Jude and it doesn't seem real that he is gone but then the memory of his last breath crawls back into my mind. I plan on lighting a candle for Jude this Christmas and leave it burning throughout the day. Won't you join me? 

So the election was last night and we have a new president elect. I will be honest in admitting I lived through one Clinton presidency and I did not want to live through another. However I do firmly believe the Democratic party would have won last night if they had chose Bernie Sanders as their candidate. I am rather astonished at social media today and the cruel vile words spewing from peoples mouths from behind their computers. We all have opinions on the election but we should strive to treat each other with respect and dignity. Despite the outcome I would have respected our new president elect and I would respect all those around me. Our children are watching us and are learning how to react as adults. Stop and ask yourself if your behavior is one that you would want your child to mimic? 

We are running a booster for Emily's Smile Boxes. We are trying to sell 32 hoodies. If you would like to help out they are $35 a piece and you can see them here. 
http://www.booster.com/emilys-smile-boxes-parade-and-fundraising-hoodies?ref=copy-link_social_desktop-campaign-page-share-bottom-v2&utm_campaign=desktop-campaign-page-share-bottom-v2&utm_content=emilys-smile-boxes-parade-and-fundraising-hoodies&utm_medium=social&utm_source=copy-link&type=1&side=front

Life

I know my posts sometimes upset others but I post them because they are real. There are others suffering out there and I promised to be raw and honest in this blog. When people wonder why I struggle I often ask them, "how long would it take you to get over the death of your child?" That generally puts things in perspective.

Anyway, it's a better day today and as Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day"

So until then.......

It's Halloween

Oh what a hard day today is. I have shed so many tears that I am sure my makeup is mostly gone and I may look a fright at work. It's one of those days that I will probably excuse myself and go home early. It's Halloween.........our first Halloween without our baby cow, our little shark, our tiny Elvis, our fire fighter, our Jude. No special haunted cemeteries are being set up tonight in our yard and there are no nurses staying late. 

It's a hard day. They happen. 

Tears and Pictures

Yesterday was rough, there is just no sugar coating it. Jude was on my mind a lot. I also felt pressed for time like there are not enough hours in the day. I know many people feel that way in the hustle and bustle that we call everyday life. As the sun was setting and my day was still going I stood in line at the grocery store. While waiting my turn I looked to my right and my eyes drifted over the packs of gum and down to the magazines. There sat a front page that beamed with Halloween decorations that beckoned parents to try to imitate them and gorgeous children dressed in cute homemade costumes. My heart began to hurt a little and then my eyes continued to scan the shelves. Next up was a holiday magazine with the front laced in beautiful Christmas decorations and that's when the tears began to fall. I missed Jude and I began to think how unfair it is that he is not here and could never truly experience the holidays. A natural but selfish reaction.  I quickly tried to wipe away the tears streaming down my face before I reached the checkout and upset the clerk. Once I had paid I breathed a sigh of relief and began walking to my car. On my way I saw a big burly man with a tiny little daughter skipping beside him. She had on her dance outfit and had her daddy carrying her plastic doll carrier. She was humming with a large Halloween balloon trailing behind her that her dad had purchased. As she slipped her tiny hand in his large open palm I just smiled and remembered how amazing life can be. 

This morning I was silently still struggling but on my Facebook feed there was an adorable picture of Jude and his father at therapy several years ago. I smile every time I see this photo because I can literally hear Jude questioning what the therapist was planning to do. 

I also received several of Emily's senior pictures. I think that's another issue I am struggling with is Emily is a senior and will be leaving home soon. I am so incredibly proud but as time has passed I continue to parent her but she is also one of my best friends. We tell each other pretty much everything. I look forward to watching her flourish as life marches on. I think these pictures truly capture Emily's personality and I love the one with Felicia our chicken! If you ever need photography I highly recommend Sarah Miloud Photography. 

I look forward to getting Jude's bench in December so I can go spend some time sitting with him at his resting place. 

Jude, Emily, and the Weekend.

I thought a lot about Jude this weekend and I thought this picture was fitting. Mike was talking to me about Christmas and I told him I just don't want to celebrate this year. He explained Jude would want us to and was encouraging me to participate. All I could picture was Jude lying in his casket versus lying in his bed smiling at me on Christmas morning. I know that in time these images and feelings will begin to dissipate a bit. We took some mums to Jude's resting place last weekend and put a watering bulb in the planter. If anyone gets buy and could refill the bulb with water that would be great. We only get to go on weekends. 

Emily flew to Orlando with her father this weekend. She received an award from the National Caring Institute for being one of the most caring youth in the nation. It was a very great honor. We also just learned that Emily is being honored by the national stroke association but I cannot release those details yet. However, that is exciting. After all the work promoting pediatric stroke awareness we are THRILLED they contacted her. Emily doesn't need accolades because she only wants to give back but she knows the accolades only help her promote her charity more. 

We bought our tickets to go watch Emily compete for Texas teen again in November. We don't know if the results will be any different than before but I am proud of her for not giving up. Her tenacious spirit always makes me smile. 

This weekend I worked a craft fair for Perfectly Posh. It started off a bit slow but overall this small craft fair turned out to be very successful. Not very many people had heard of Posh which solidified my assumption that not many consultants exist right now so it's a great time to have signed up. The people that had heard or tried Posh raved about it! I even had a gentleman that makes the organic raw materials for large makeup manufactures pass by my booth. He picked up an item and started reading off the contents. Despite my knowledge on the product I cannot easily spout off pronunciations of ingredients. Anyway he looked at every single ingredient and said, "this is a really good product." Which made me smile. I am having a mystery bag opening party tonight which is so fun! Three bags are already gone but I have 4 bags left for women and 1 bag for men. If you would like to join us tonight I will be opening them live at 7:30. The bags are $30 and have more than $30 in product in them. Just claim your bag here then you can paypal. https://www.facebook.com/Jennsperfectlypamperedpeeps/photos/a.253781148354455.1073741828.253776848354885/282278708838032/?type=3&theater

Also at the craft fair I had Jude's book with me. I only sold one copy but Jude's book is not for profit it's for awareness and education. Awareness that pediatric strokes exist and education that love truly conquers all. What was amazing is that multiple people stopped to talk to me about the book including people from Shriners. Everyone that stopped had questions, listened, cried, and were inspired. The Shriners even asked me to come speak at their next meeting. So Jude did amazing work, as usual. 

We also planted Jude's tree from nurse Allan and nurse Charlotte. We placed the marker they had engraved in front of it and put it in a spot where we will see it everyday. May it bloom and grow for years to come. 

I am blessed. I miss my boy more than anything but I am blessed. 

A Day In The Life Of Jude

I ran across these pictures again today that my friend Sara took. It really reflects how our daily life was with Jude and what he was used to. As crazy as it sounds I miss every part of this. I wouldn't want this for him again but I would proudly do this again in a heartbeat. 

The Hard Worker

Recently I mentioned that I have started a side business selling Perfectly Posh. So far I have had great luck because this is a great product. This has reminded me of the days I sold Scentsy when Jude was younger and my family was struggling. Mike had to abruptly quit his job to care for Jude which left our young family in a lurch. We survived off my income for about two years before Mike was able to go back to work. It took awhile for us to play catch up and to get in a better position.  I have signed a few special needs moms up underneath me to sell Posh. I watch their Facebook posts and what an amazing job they are doing trying to launch their business. I would like to encourage people to support their business whether it's Posh, Scentsy, or another multi marketing company. See that was me once. I didn't want to ask for help financially so I worked as hard as I could to build up a side business to help support my family. When people ask what they can do to help another special needs family I encourage support. 

Help promote their business by sharing their posts.
Help by purchasing Christmas items from them if you can.
Share their business cards with others and tell them about their products. 
Offer to host a part for them, I know it's a pain but it will mean the world to a hard working mom who just needs a break.
Remember the products are normally amazing!

These simple steps can help encourage and uplift mothers who already have a lot on their plate. There are of course other ways to help special needs family's but I wanted to point this one out because I watch these women. I admire them! 

If you cannot do this then maybe one of the following;

1. Call to say hello because that mom probably has zero time to think about calling someone else. 
2. Be graceful if she forgets your birthday or cannot make it to an event. Give her the benefit of the doubt. 
3. Stop by and see her. One of the greatest things for me was Gina coming by and just sitting with me and watching TV. She knew I couldn't leave Jude and she never once complained. 
4. Another great thing was a friend hired a housekeeper for me for three months. I know this isn't feasible for most people but MAN that was amazing!!!  
5. Listen to them when they cry. They don't need advice they just need to vent. 
6. Try to make things easier for them because their life is already hard enough. 

I hope this inspires someone. 

The Pendulum

I have read that grief is like a pendulum, one day you feel hopeful and happy but the next you are struggling again. I related to the analogy and thought it was well expressed. Yesterday was a pretty good day despite the looming septic replacement. Today everything seems trivial again in comparison to Jude's loss. I am also having anxiety about the upcoming holidays. As the stores line their shelves with smiling pumpkins, cornucopia's filled with glittering fruit, and bright sparkling ornaments my heart just sinks.  The holidays were always difficult because Jude could not participate the way we wanted him to but now he won't be able to participate at all. It's back to the realization that the child I birthed will never be embraced in this lifetime again. As I watch everyone's Facebook posts showing happy smiling children in their holiday and fall apparel I smile but cry. Halloween is around the corner which is always a holiday we went overboard with. Jude participated as long as he could sitting outside with us as we ran the Emily's Smile Boxes haunted graveyard. This year we gave all our Halloween items to friends because it was just a reminder of the loss. 

I also truly have zero desire to put up my Christmas decorations this year but I will for Emily. She is very excited about decorating the new house and this is my last year before she heads off to college. Emily is also going to go stay with her father the week of Christmas so I would really prefer just to go somewhere. The idea of waking up on Christmas morning without Jude's precious smile is almost to much to bear. However with the septic problem I doubt getting away will be a possibility but we will see. 

On a more positive note my grandmother called me to tell me she had read Jude's book. She was so positive and sweet and said she had never been more proud. This made me smile. It meant a lot coming from someone who was an educator for so long. 

Tomorrow I am sure the pendulum will switch again and my sadness will be replaced with hope again. It's just the process. 

This was the quote I had found. 
"Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who have endured one of life's most frightening events. Rise up with us." http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html

Septic Woes and Picnics.

So today the septic company number 3 came out to the house. This was a referral from a friend and honestly the first person that sounded professional and educated. After a complete inspection and inspecting the soil we didn't get good news. Around noon I texted Mike asking if he would like to go to an anniversary dinner on Saturday. He simply texted, "we can't we will be broke." I knew what was coming next. Mike called and explained that the soil at the house had failed and cannot support the septic system and the lateral lines we have. We would need a completely new system put in a different part of the yard, don't google the cost it's scary. I cried for awhile, I wondered why we cannot catch a break, and I thought a lot of Jude. Then I began to financially calculate everything and figure out the next steps. 

This will work out just like it always does. I told Mike we will have a bologna sammy picnic for our anniversary out under the pecan trees (far away from the septic). I then emailed Emily's dad and explained the situation and asked if he could cover Emily's hair for Miss Texas in November and I would take care of the rest. He didn't say a word and just sent a large amount to cover everything for her so I wouldn't have to worry. He is an amazing father. 

I sat back and wondered how we could have prevented this in a new home. We would have had to actually collected soil samples and had them tested.  All I could think of was me in a white jumpsuit scraping soil samples into a test tube and running it to a lab for analysis and then I laughed. I mean that's all you can do is laugh. 

So we pray that nothing catastrophic happens in the next two years that would require a large sum of money while we catch up. The good thing is we have access to cover this, it will increase the value of our home, and we shouldn't have septic issues again. So again it will work out. We are blessed with that positive.

Things like this can compound grief and vice versa. So if you are a parent who lost a child know that feelings of being out of control and crazy when a stressful situation arises is normal. Trust me I need a bat and a foam room.........and maybe some plates to break. 

God Bless. 

I just LOST it.

Mike and I took Emily to finish up her wardrobe for Miss Texas yesterday and then we had a day to ourselves. We decided to go have lunch and then we came home to finish working on the chicken coop that's being built. Doesn't sound like an exciting day but it was nice to have time with each other. We have both had very sad moments over the last few days so we needed some down time. Then............the septic in our new house started having issues again and I just lost it. I am not sure what it was, the grief, the move, the items breaking, but I officially lost it. I just bawled, screamed, and panicked. To be honest I have no idea what's going on with the septic but I do know we have had an inspector and multiple professionals out here looking at it and so far no one has caught the major issue. We keep thinking it's been fixed only for it to happen again. So my guess is it's either a complete failure or something wrong in the leech field. Regardless it's a lot of money. Just a fluke weird thing that no one could have seen coming.

I had hit my max last night. I guess that can be normal especially after this year. Emily's birthday party was suppose to be today at our house but we had to cancel for obvious reasons. I guess on your 18th birthday there is nothing better than to learn to be an adult and that parties are secondary to a crisis. At least she will have lots of cake left and it's her favorite.  Sometimes I feel like we can never catch a break but then again it could be worse and we know that all to well. So at least we have water, a home, and hopefully a working septic soon. Oh and we have chickens, chickens make me happy.

Nightmares and Social Media

I went to a birthday party for a friend last night and it was nice to get out to do something other than work. We enjoyed good conversation but ended up going home a bit early to tend to our animals. Overnight was not as great. I started waking up around 1am with horrible nightmares. They last most throughout the rest of the morning and I would randomly wake up from them. Everything from a demon in our house to Jude being trapped. It's not easy dealing with these and it makes for a very tiring day at work. My co worker explained that the mother of her boyfriend that died dealt with nightmares for years. Ugh, I hope they don't last years. I am not sure what the trigger was but I have it narrowed down to three things. 1. Emily is sick and cannot seem to shake whatever it is and that has me worried. 2. I had to pick up a birthday card yesterday and standing in the aisle I just bawled when I saw a "Happy Birthday Son", card. 3. I fell asleep with the TV on which I never do. 

We watched "Speechless" again last night and if you have not seen this show I highly recommend it. I was perplexed how they would turn a TV show about a family who has a disabled son into a comedy but they have managed to do it and do it well. We relate so much to this show and I just cannot recommend it enough. Catch it on Wednesday nights. 

Now on to social media. Lately I have bombarded social media with information regarding my new venture in Perfectly Posh. First, I know it can be annoying and I know some people have probably even unfollowed me. However I appreciate those that have stuck with me. I don't post as much on the blog since Jude passed so Facebook tends to be my outlet. I also received multiple emails from people after we lost Jude asking how they could help. I appreciate those who recognize that keeping myself busy and trying to improve our life is important. I appreciate those that support the new venture or just choose to listen. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

On a funny note my co-worker Chandi signed up underneath me to sell Posh after she saw how great the product was. So today when I came into work obviously broken and exhausted she brought me over the impish eyes she had in her purse for the mile long bags under my eyes. She said "here you need this," hahaha. It's worked a bit because believe me they were terrible.  

We are heading into pageant countdown mode with Emily. This is where she steps up her work outs and more. We get all the final alterations done and pick up all the final outfits. However Emily has been overwhelmed with school and the SAT tutoring lately so I know that has impacted her a bit. School is more important so we will just hope for the best.  

An Update On Our Life

Mike and I went out to dinner the other night and "Here Comes The Sun", by the Beatles came on. This is literally how my brain works now. I thought of my friend Linda (whom I miss) who lost her precious Aiden and how they loved that song, then I thought of Emily who adores the song and picked it for her final walk at Miss Dallas teen. Then I thought of Jude because she walked to the song the day after he died.......and then I cried. It's like my mind moves in lightning fast speed with pictures. Mike looked at me and immediately knew what I was thinking and he teared up too. There are triggers in the smallest of actions. I still miss Jude very much and I still do little things to soothe the loss. When they delivered the shirts for the pediatric stroke run there was a tiny one that was Jude's size. I could not help but take it and put it aside. I take it with me sometimes when I lie down, I guess it makes me feel closer to him. I know that sounds sad but you do what you need to. 

I have started a diet of sorts and will be working out when I can. I have struggled a bit with this and this is why. I have sat on a couch for the last 7 years holding a terminally ill child. My weight is NOT what I want but I also don't feel bad about it, does that make sense? When others questioned my work outs or weight I still felt confident. At one point my husband told me, "I know you aren't happy with how you look but no matter what size you are you will always be beautiful to me." That's the support I needed. So primarily I am going to start exercising again to help my emotional well being versus a physical well being. I am sure I will eventually work on the physical too but I believe the other is more important right now. I also know that despite how I look I am still me and I am still beautiful the way I am and so are you! So hopefully between life and it's never ending schedule I can fit 3-4 work outs a week in. 

So I have started a new venture and I would truly appreciate your support. I am finding a way to supplement our income since Emily is graduating and we lost additional income we had when Jude was here. Stop by and check out my site. https://www.perfectlyposh.com/Jennjennortiz