I have read that grief is like a pendulum, one day you feel hopeful and happy but the next you are struggling again. I related to the analogy and thought it was well expressed. Yesterday was a pretty good day despite the looming septic replacement. Today everything seems trivial again in comparison to Jude's loss. I am also having anxiety about the upcoming holidays. As the stores line their shelves with smiling pumpkins, cornucopia's filled with glittering fruit, and bright sparkling ornaments my heart just sinks. The holidays were always difficult because Jude could not participate the way we wanted him to but now he won't be able to participate at all. It's back to the realization that the child I birthed will never be embraced in this lifetime again. As I watch everyone's Facebook posts showing happy smiling children in their holiday and fall apparel I smile but cry. Halloween is around the corner which is always a holiday we went overboard with. Jude participated as long as he could sitting outside with us as we ran the Emily's Smile Boxes haunted graveyard. This year we gave all our Halloween items to friends because it was just a reminder of the loss.
I also truly have zero desire to put up my Christmas decorations this year but I will for Emily. She is very excited about decorating the new house and this is my last year before she heads off to college. Emily is also going to go stay with her father the week of Christmas so I would really prefer just to go somewhere. The idea of waking up on Christmas morning without Jude's precious smile is almost to much to bear. However with the septic problem I doubt getting away will be a possibility but we will see.
On a more positive note my grandmother called me to tell me she had read Jude's book. She was so positive and sweet and said she had never been more proud. This made me smile. It meant a lot coming from someone who was an educator for so long.
Tomorrow I am sure the pendulum will switch again and my sadness will be replaced with hope again. It's just the process.
This was the quote I had found.
"Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who have endured one of life's most frightening events. Rise up with us." http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html