It's been a long year and one that's been filled with a lot of stress and heartache. However throughout that heartache I have always tried to find the positive in each situation. I believe it's up to us as individuals to find the road that leads to the most positive outcome. It may take me a few days to find the silver lining but I eventually tackle the problem that lies ahead and find my way to a better attitude. Today I am rather disheartened and I know it's because I am close to Jude' one year but I am also aggravated. Yesterday I kept complaining that I was having sharp pains in the left side of my chest above my heart. I have had these before and I am fairly medically educated due to Jude and know sharp pains when resting don't normally signify anything to worry about. However they lasted throughout the day and at night they became increasingly worse. About 2 am I got up and went to take a hot bath and took some medication to make myself feel better. I am SURE what happened is I was having some muscle issues and scared myself into an anxiety attack. Anyway, I calmed myself down and finally went to sleep. We women have a way of worrying ourselves silly.
However just to err on the side of caution I did decide to go see the doctor today when the issues persisted. The doctor did an EKG and when I saw her scanning the computer for awhile I felt like I was back in the hospital with Jude. Sigh "What?" I asked point blank. She told me my EKG was abnormal. "Well of COURSE it is!" I said, "You know 2016 wasn't great and 2017 is really beginning to irritate me." She knew I was serious but being light hearted so she asked me a battery of questions and explained the EKG showed something about abnormal artery flow. So here is the run down. Three things were mentioned a build up of plaque, stress, or lupus. So the doctor ordered a calcium test and passed me along to the other side of the office. Once completed the nurse said my heart and valves show ZERO plaque build up and look great for my age (yay me). Then she talked to me about stress and was super sweet. She acknowledged our family has had an unusual amount of high stress issues and that what they see in women is that women are strong and hold up great during the actual stressful situation. However then they see the woman's body start to fall apart and it's their job to not let that happen. She said "One day a woman looks around wondering how she wound up in the hospital when she was perfectly fine. It just takes a toll." The third option discussed was Lupus. I have MANY of the symptoms relating to this disease and it's a high probability. It could even relate all the way back to the blood clotting issue I had with Jude. However it takes batteries of tests to diagnose this and I am not even sure I would want to go through that to have a label on something. I remember Jude's doctor once telling me when I asked him if Jude had Lennox Gestaut that he didn't like labels. He said "Jude has seizures and no matter what label you put on it he has them." Could it help knowing? Maybe. It helps my friend but I think I will just continue to try to live a healthy life. I am increasing my walking each night and the doctor told me if I ever get winded then that's when it gets serious and that's when we have a big issue.
I felt aggravated today more than concerned and if something did happen to me someday then I will be with Jude. I was however very frustrated with work, Jude's loss, and just being a woman (ha), all the claims, and my claim are taxing. It seems like there aren't enough ours in the day to get everything done from working and taking care of the home. Is it really possible for women to reduce the amount of stress they have because for me it's not the big things it's all the little things that add up. Today I went Office Space on the printer while my co-worker just looked on. That darn printer had it coming!
I don't need anyone concerned or worried I am fine. I am just venting and fielding more texts or calls would just increase my anxiety but it's nice to get it off my chest. So why put this on a blog, because it's just like Jude and it helps me spread informational items at once. It's all good. I still live in a beautiful all be it damaged but beautiful home. I have my family and my animals and they all make me happy. I have FAITH that eventually my life will calm down and I am saying that in Jesus Name!