I am currently learning about personal boundaries and how to improve my life. I didn't write this to call anyone out but rather I am writing this to share what I have learned and maybe help someone else going through grief. I found this quote on one of the informational sites I have been reading and it resonated with me.
“You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough that you have to.” ~Unknown
I want you to imagine having an injury that has affected a nerve in your body. That nerve is frayed, sensitive, and every time it's touched a shock of intense unbearable pain runs through your body. That's how my grief is right now. It's new, it's fresh, and my emotions are at their very peak. So anything even trivial can become a very big deal in my little world. On Saturday I had a terrible experience when I went to the movies with my family. I had a situation/argument escalate out of control. Because I didn't lay the groundwork for the foundation I needed for my boundaries I was enveloped in drama. I wound up on the side of the building bawling while my family sat inside. My husband eventually found me and although comforted me he also scolded me for allowing my emotions to escalate the way they did. That's right I allowed it. It wasn't anyone else fault that I allowed the situation to exhaust me and take over. I allowed an outside situation to ruin the evening with my family and they suffered for it.
I read an article about checking your own personal engine lights and I found it fascinating. If you are in a situation that is not desirable then ask yourself what's causing the issue. Is the person draining? Are you draining? Is the situation worth losing a relationship? Is it worth losing yourself? What lights are going off on your personal dashboard and are you ignoring them? When we don't check our engine lights and find the root cause of the issue then we are just giving away wasted energy. I was not checking my own personal engine lights and because of that I was suffering from anxiety and over emotional responses. I wasted energy I could use to heal my heart from losing Jude and energy that I could use to mend my family who has suffered so much over the past year.
My husband is an expert at setting and maintaining boundaries both personal and professional. He will warn anyone that begins to cross the line with him but if they keep crossing they get bitten (metaphorically speaking of course). I am not good at this and never have been. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it has cost me severely. I am not good at being assertive, I fear people's responses, and I care to much about what others think. I do this in my professional life and in my personal life. However with Jude's situation I did get a bit better about saying "no." One of the number one complaints I read in my loss forum is the parent who lost the child feeling people are crossing their personal property line. They want to throw up a no trespassing sign but they feel guilty or afraid to do so. So how to we implement a no trespassing sign in times of grief in a way that we don't hurt the other party? I learned to have compassion for the others and understand they have feelings too. Then firmly and respectfully set your boundary and their response is not your responsibility. All you can do is take care of yourself. I learned if you do this both professionally and personally then your life, emotional state, and physical state improves. So that's my quest to follow this program.